Page 68 of About Time

“I hope he’s listening to you, because I’m certainly not going to change that for you. Can we stop doing this over the phone now? I’m hungry.” And I don’t want to be alone anymore.

“Are we really doing this?” I can hear the vulnerability in his voice.

Clark’s heart is precious to me. I had to make sure I was ready to commit to him, completely before I ever accepted more with him.

“Yeah, we’re doing this,” I say seriously.

“Then I’m on my way to come pick you up,” he says and then we get off the phone.

Chapter Thirty-One

Hattie Past- Age 32

Wren followsGriffin home after a few days, just as I predicted she would. There’s a hole in my world without her around, and I can’t stand being alone anymore. The ice around my heart has thawed enough that the emptiness of my home is haunting.

Work doesn’t give me the same distraction that it did before she came. I am growing restless, like waking up from a long nap and having way too much energy. All the hopes and dreams I had when I was younger have reemerged and I find myself wanting everything all at once.

For once I’m not overthinking every move I make. In fact I stop thinking whenever possible. It’s clear that I don’t make the best decisions when it comes to my own life. I was already accustomed to spending my free time with Clark and our friends, only now the context has changed.

Three weeks is all it takes for things to move to the next level. And by that, I don’t mean sleepovers. I have managed to keep our physical relationship mostly PG-rated. I can tell his patience is wearing thin. He might have been pining for me for the last decade or so, but he didn’t do so with an empty bed. I don’t judgehim for it, but it’s clear that Clark is ready to take things to the next level.

He mistakes my reticence to become more physical with a desire for a permanent commitment. I know there’s something up the night he takes me down to the beach for a picnic. Everything is set too perfectly. There’s a bonfire and a table set up with caterers and everything. Soft music plays in the background, and at the end of the meal he gets on one knee.

“Hattie, you know I’ve loved you practically since the moment we met. I’ll love you forever, for the both of us if I have to. I know you don’t love me the same way I love you, but I won’t stop trying to win your love.”

I bite my lip. It probably comes across as coy, but really I am trying to stop myself from telling him that I’m not a prize. I’m not something to win, or to work for. Loving someone should be as natural as breathing, but I feel like if I tell him these things I’ll lose him forever. I am not ready for that either. Instead I find myself nodding.

My hand shakes as I hold it out to let him slip the ring on my finger. It’s a stunning two-carat princess cut in a platinum band, but I find myself glaring at it constantly. It’s a reminder that I’ve found the life that Charlie thought I should have, and I still don’t want it. If anything it makes me angrier at him.

I’ve been trying to get used to this ring for the last week. Most of the time I wear it strung through a necklace, and whether on my hand or around my neck it’s heavy. Too heavy. It’s not just physically too heavy. All of it is a bit overwhelming, to tell the truth.

I keep trying to tell myself that there’s power in choosing the direction my life will take rather than letting fate carry me along. The problem with that is that every morning I wake up I have to make the same choice. I’ll have to keep making this choice every day for the rest of our lives.

There’s something to say about fate. Being with Charlie was as easy as breathing. It’s being apart from him that takes effort. But just because I think he might be my one, it doesn’t mean that I’m his. I can either wait around for fate to strike me twice, which seems like being struck by lightning twice, or I can do whatever I can to at least try to be happy.

Not everything that has happened over the last couple of months has been so stressful. Wren and I have been keeping in touch. There has to be something good to come from all the hurt and pain she went through. I envy her. When my heart broke I ended up alone and with nothing but work to keep me going.

Now instead of worrying about the example I am setting for her, I’m following my niece’s lead. I’m going to live, and this time if I fall, I’m going to get back up and keep pushing ahead. Life knocked me down, but it’s my fault that I stayed there. I will remember to pick myself up from now on.

Clark is spending the afternoon with me at home. We’ve been doing this a lot since he proposed. Watching movies with him used to be a normal, relaxing activity, but now, every time we’re this close, I get tense. While he watches the movie, I sit here glaring at the obnoxiously huge engagement ring weighing down my hand.

He pushes pause on the remote and sets it on the table. “What’s got you thinking so hard? I know not working all day is a hard concept for you, but I’m enjoying spending time with you.”

He holds his arm out, and I snuggle up to him. So far, other than the ring on my finger and a few kisses, our relationship hasn’t changed much. Logically, I may have decided to be with Clark romantically, but I can’t seem to translate that decision into a physical reality.

There’s a look Clark gets when I can tell he wants to move us to the next step. His eyes dart to my lips, and his tongue slides across his bottom lip. Objectively, I can see that he’s good-looking. Actually, I’ve heard some of his exes refer to him as painfully hot, but to me, he’s always going to be the awkward eighteen-year-old guy I met in Freshman English. The same one who listened to me cry over Charlie for the first year after I came back to Florida.

My heart starts to race when he gets that look on his face. The one that says he’s planning on kissing me. I brace myself so I won’t flinch when he makes a move. This is something that I need to get comfortable with if we’re going to have a normal marriage.

Clark’s hand slips into my hair, and he cradles my head. His lips brush gently against mine. They’re warm, soft, and dry. They don’t fit with mine the way Charlie’s did. I try to slip out of my head and be here in this moment. The key word is try, because I’m not succeeding. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to get out of my own head enough for this to work.

His tongue slips into my mouth, and my response is slow and stiff. You’d think this was my first kiss by how awkward my response is. Clark moves closer to me, not stopping until I’m underneath him. His kiss grows more urgent. The level of his passion should thrill me. He’s a good man, kind and giving. It is an honor to be chosen by someone as special as he is. At least it should be. It feels like a burden though, and it’s not fair to him.

Someone needs to deliver that message to my body, because the moment I feel his weight on top of me I freeze. Clark doesn’t realize it right away, and he doesn’t stop immediately. One of his hands is on my hip and slides up until it slips under my t-shirt. I let out a squeak and instinctively push him off of me.

Clark rolls off the couch and falls on his ass on the very hard wooden floor. “What the hell, Hattie?”

“I’m so sorry. I just reacted and?—”

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