Page 46 of About Time

“What? You mean they were hit or something, right?” I ask to clarify.

His face falls. “No. I’ve been told by the Harriston Police Department that it had started raining really hard while they were out tonight. On their way back to Harriston from Centralia it started raining harder, and it appears they lost traction and hita tree. I’m told that they died on impact. I know it doesn’t mean much right now, but they did not suffer.”

This doesn’t make sense. My sister can’t be gone just because it rained. That’s not the way someone like Elisa leaves this world.

I don’t even have it in me to correct him that Elisa is my sister. Was. Elisa was my sister. Fuck, I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with this. The fact that the courts basically let my sister adopt me and change my last name doesn’t mean fuck all right at this moment.

Then it occurs to me, they didn’t say anything about Wren. I know that Lis and Martin were out for date night, but sometimes they came back and did something as a family after they got home. Maybe it’s selfish to hope my niece was just made an orphan, but Wren is all the family I have left.

I look back at the ceiling and do something I rarely do anymore, pray. “Was there anyone else with them?” I finally manage to ask after several moments.

The older officer looks through his notes before he shakes his head.

I clear my throat. Then clear it again, because it feels so thick I don’t know if I’ll actually be able to speak. “Has anyone informed my niece that her parents are dead?”

The lines on his face have deepened in the time he’s been here with me. I can’t imagine what kind of toll it must take to tell people they’ll never see their loved ones again. He’s obviously done it more than his partner since he isn’t backing away from my distress.

He’s nodding his head slightly when he says, “The Harriston officer that asked for Clearwater Police Department was on his way to speak to her when I got the call from my Sergeant.”

The officer turns to Clark. “Will you be able to stay with her for a while?”

In other circumstances, I might have argued with him about being able to care for myself, but I don’t want to. Right now I’m so grateful for Clark. I don’t know what kind of state I’d be in right now without him.

He shows the police to the door, and I break. There are so many things to deal with right now, but I can’t see. All the moisture in my body is working its way out through my eyes, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop.

“What do I do now? She was my rock. How do I figure out life without her there to help me? They are so young.”

A shuddering breath escapes me. “Were young. Fuck. I don’t want them to be a were or a was.”

He wraps his arms around me and lets me soak his shirt. Damn me for wishing different arms were holding me now. And fuck him for never being what I needed.

“Why don’t you go change into comfortable clothes? I’ll get you a plane ticket home. I can come with you if you want me to. I have PTO I can take,” Clark offers.

For a moment I almost take him up on it. Then I realize I’m not ready to let him in that deep yet. As much as I’d like his support, until I am ready to take what he’s been offering me, I can’t bring him home.

Not that it will feel much like home without Elisa. I’m older than she was when she and Martin took me in, but I am not like them. How am I going to take care of Wren when I’m such a mess?

The light for my messages is flashing on my phone, and I grab it without thinking. Without thinking I pull up my messages.

“Hey sis! Oh my God, that was the best show I’ve ever seen. Martin is so getting lucky tonight. We’re skipping dinner to go home because it’s starting to rain really hard. Wren is supposed to be out with her boyfriend, so maybe we can even get somealone time before she comes home. Love you, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Except I won’t. I’ll never get to speak to her again. I missed my chance. I don’t know that talking to her would have changed their fate, but I think I’ll always wonder. Maybe they would have seen how hard it started raining and gotten a hotel room instead, or even just went ahead and got dinner while waiting.

The phone drops out of my hand and skips across the floor. I fall to my knees, pick it up, and cradle it against my chest. This is my last connection to her. If only I’d heard my phone I could have talked to her for a few minutes. It may have done nothing to save them, but at least the last time I heard her voice wouldn’t have been over a voicemail.

Images race into my mind. I see myself following her around when she was in high school, standing next to her peering into Wren’s bassinet, and holding on to her when our mother died. She’s been my safe harbor for every rough patch I have experienced, and now I feel adrift. It’s all just too much.

I scramble to the bathroom and throw up everything inside of me. Once my stomach is empty I let go of the dreams I had of her standing next to me looking at my own kids. I give up the visions I had of her helping me get ready for my wedding the way my mom and I helped her the day she married Martin. I let everything slip out with the tears I can’t stop shedding.

When I feel like nothing more than an empty husk, I lay down on the cool tile and give in to the blessed reprieve of numbness. I know from experience that it won’t last. Sooner than I’ll be ready their loss will slam into me all over again. That’s the thing about grief, it comes in waves, and you’ve got to fight to keep your head above the crests or you’ll drown.

I turn on the message again, and hear her say she loved me over and over. She’ll never be able to say it to me again. Thatknowledge is like a burning pit in my stomach, and I know at least for a little while I’m going to drown.

We were supposed to have a lifetime sharing our lives, but that’s the thing about time, sometimes it runs out before you’re ready.

Chapter Twenty

Charlie Past- Age 36

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