Page 16 of About Time

So yeah, I probably am drawn to Charlie a bit because he’s older than me. I’m not stupid enough to allow myself to slip into some kind of girlie fantasy that he and I will fall madly in love and live happily ever after. I’ve got plans for my life, and I won’t let a man derail me the way my sperm donor did to my mother. She dropped out of college to have Elisa and never went back. It’s a pretty common thing here in Harriston, and no matter what, I’m going to finish school.

That doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy my life while I’m pursuing my future. Life is too short to put off living it for tomorrow. I doubt Charlie would like the fact that I think of him as some item on my bucket list, but he told me himself that we are going touse each other and nothing deeper than that. As long as I keep that in the front of my mind, I will leave him with a smile and a memory to hold on to for the rest of my days. That’s all life is really, a bunch of experiences we bank in our memory. When I take my last breath, I’d rather regret the things I did than the things I was too afraid to try.

This daring attitude does not, in fact, mean that I am actually brave. By six, my room looks like it was hit by a tornado that destroyed my closet and threw the contents around my room. I am alternating holding up two different tops in front of my cheval mirror when my phone rings.

“Yeah,” I answer my phone, still focusing on which shirt is sexier. The answer is neither of them because I have two modes, sporty and pajamas.

Elisa calls me several times a day. I guess some would find it annoying, but since we only had each other, I think it’s security for us. “We’re going to watch a movie, do you want to come over and join us? Wren got to pick, so it’s the Sandlot again.”

While I do love a good baseball movie, she’s watched that one half a dozen times. “Yeah, I’m not sad that I’ve got plans.”

“Yikes, because I’m kinda outside your door.”

I open the door and let her into my studio apartment. She gives me a mom look. The kind with one blonde eyebrow raised and a look in her eyes that speaks an entire conversation. Sometimes, she looks so much like our mom that it’s hard to breathe. I exhale slowly and shove those emotions down. I won’t cry right now. It’s been years since mom passed, and it still cuts just like it did when I was eleven. I’m not sure you ever get over losing someone like that. Not that young.

“And who are these plans with? When are you going to be back?” Elisa asks.

I copy her facial expression and lean against my dresser. “Really? I’m nineteen, Lis. Do you really need my full itinerary? I didn’t keep you updated when I was in Florida.”

My fingernails dig into my palm while I wait for her to answer me. I am a shit liar, but telling her the truth is out of the question. If I let it slip now, this thing with Charlie is over before it even begins. Somehow, I feel like if I pass up on this time with him, my life won’t be the same as it should be. That’s silly because there’s no way I should be putting that much emphasis on a fling, but there is something critical about the time I will get to spend with him alone.

Elisa rolls her eyes. “I guess it’s time I start to act more like your big sister than your mom. I knew we’d get here eventually, but I wasn’t ready. You have to help me keep Wren from growing up too fast. I won’t survive her not being my little girl anymore.”

This is not a conversation I feel emotionally prepared to have now. What I need is a good distraction, so I go over to my giant pile of clothes and hold up the tops in front of me. “Well, big sis. Which one is sexier?”

She shakes her head. “Nope, I was wrong. It’s too soon. You’re still twelve in my head. Don’t you still have overalls in there?”

A hysterical laugh explodes from me, and for a moment, I am afraid she knows where I’m going. How many times had Charlie poked fun at my overalls? It would be a surefire method of birth control, that’s for sure.

Elisa sighs. “I hope whoever he is, he treats you right. You could tell me about him if you want.”

I’m shaking my head before she’s even finished speaking. “There’s no one. It’s just a group hang, but I would like there to be the possibility of someone. I’m tired of being the only girl that doesn’t get looked at twice.”

She smiles a sad smile at me. “I wish you could see how beautiful you are.” A single tear slips free, and she brushes it away. “Stunning, just like our mom was.”

There goes that lump again. I can see that Lis is losing the fight against it too. “Will it ever get easier, you think? Her being gone?”

Elisa shakes her head no. “I think we’ll learn to live with it. At least, I hope we will. Every time I feel insecure as a mom, I want to ask for her advice. Or, I’d just like to show her how smart you are and how amazing my little girl is. We should have gotten to share all of that with her. Wren should have gotten to make cookies with her like we used to do.”

I can almost smell the warm sugar and chocolate. “You made cookies with her. I ate batter. You’re the one who taught me.”

Lis smiles. “Let her be a kid for a while longer. I don’t want to admit that she’s old enough yet. I have this fear that I won’t have enough time with her.”

“I think that’s just because we lost Mom too soon. For what it’s worth, I think you should bake with her.”

She waves me off. “I would, but I feel her every time I’m in the kitchen. I can’t get over feeling cheated that Wren doesn’t get to, so I have made other memories with her. I’ll get over it, but I’m not ready yet.”

Elisa shakes off the melancholy that comes every time we talk about Mom, and starts digging through the pile of clothes I’d discarded.

She grabs a top from the pile. “This is the one. You look good in red. It’s simple, but that’s good because you don’t need anything taking away from your beauty.”

I smile at her. “Okay, big sis, it’s time for you to go start that movie night. I need to get dressed, then I’m heading out.”

“Fine. I get it. Use me for my fashion skills and kick me out. I see how it is,” she teases me.

I shake my head at her. “Drama queen. You better get going. Otherwise, Martin is going to pick the toppings for the pizza.”

“Oh, shit. He’s going to put pineapple on it. Love you, sis,” she says and blows a kiss to me at the door.

---