Page 65 of Pretty Broken Promises

“Then come and see me. I need to give Benji some space for a bit until we can define the line between what our friendship should be and what it was.”

Tracy gives me a disappointed look. “Is Ford asking you to do this? Personally, I think it's pretty shitty of him to ask you to distance yourself from one of your best friends.”

I shake my head adamantly. “He wouldn't do that. I know he doesn’t love the idea that Benji and I are still so close, but he would never tell me I couldn't talk to him. And I'm not distancing myself because of some misguided attempt to appease Ford either. The things that Benji said that night felt disrespectful to me. I am the one that needs him to respect my relationship. By him putting Ford down over and over, it's like he's telling me he doesn't trust my judgment and doesn't respect my choices.”

She shakes her head, and I can tell she's about to argue with me. I hold up my hand and turn my head away. “Just save it, okay? You and I don't need to argue because of something going on between me and Benji. He's a big boy, if he has a problem with something, he can come and tell me himself.”

She throws her hands up. “Yeah, okay. He's just had my back, you know?”

“I do know, and you're a good friend. Things will get normal again. Trust me, weirder relationships than this have been repaired. Eventually, Benji and I will go back to normal, or at least find a new normal. Hell, he might even become friends with Ford. Anything can happen.”

“I wouldn't hold my breath on that last one. Bennett and Ford becoming friends is probably the most unlikely scenario that I can imagine,” Tracy comments.

“I would've said Ford and Sin becoming friends was the most unlikely pairing ever, and honestly, I think that Sin has replaced Shane,” I tell her.

“Sin, was he the tall, dark, and scary guy with jet black eyes, or the tall, dark, and scary guy with the bright blue eyes?” Tracy asks.

I forget, she hasn't spent as much time around them as I have. I guess I've slipped more into that world than I realized. The whole time I was in Playa I kept thinking I needed to come back here where I belong, and now I feel like as much of an outsider with Tracy, Lydia, and Benji as I once had with Ford's friends there.

“The tall, scary guy with dark eyes,” I answer her.

She fans herself. “I know I'm trying to get over bad boys, but that guy was hot.”

“The tall, scary guy with bright blue eyes, is his brother-in-law,” I tell her.

“Seriously? So the tiny chick that was there when we went to the club that night, the one who was hanging out with us, they’re married? Wasn't she like nineteen?”

I raise my eyebrows and nod. It feels good to be talking about something lighter than all the heaviness we've been dealing with for most of the last year. Catching Tracy up on all of the craziness that surrounds Sin, Raven, and Lucien could fill many conversations.

“But why would it be less likely for Ford to become friends with, did you say his name was Sin? You were engaged to Bennett. How could it be worse than that?”

“Well, his name is Jackson, but everyone calls him Sin. Trust me, it fits. And to answer your question, I think it has something to do with Ford sleeping with Raven before they got together. Of course, this is also because Sin talked me into having sex with him outside so that we would be caught by Ford and Raven. Not my brightest decision.”

She scrunches up her chin. “Well, that explains why you hightailed your ass back to Seattle convinced you and Ford were done forever. I'm kind of jealous. That guy was hot. He wouldn't have had to work very hard to convince me.”

“Well, don't say anything like that to Raven, because not only is she a good friend now, but she's got this thing with throwing sharp objects so I’d just stay on her good side,” I advise her.

We talk for a few more minutes before she heads back out. It's nice to see she's starting to get out of the apartment. We make plans for her and Lydia to come over for dinner one night during the week. That makes me feel better since Ford will still be busy with practice. I remind myself that this is what we came here for, so he could get to play football at a higher level and I could reconnect with my friends. Sometimes it's just hard getting what you want.

Around six, Carol kicks me out. “Even I don't want to stay here this long, and I own this place. That man of yours has to be home by now, go.”

The thing is, I texted Ford to let me know when he got let out of practice, and I haven't heard from him yet. Since Sin and Raven still haven't brought my car here, I've been relying on public transportation to get to work. It solves the parking issue, which is always a struggle in Seattle, but sometimes taking public transportation can be a little scary.

I take my keys out and lace them through my fingers so I have a makeshift weapon handy, and head down to the bus stop. There's no direct route to my apartment so I will have to change buses and wait at another bus stop. The moment I walk through my apartment door, I exhale. I'm always surprised at how tight my muscles are and how much tension I'm holding the moment I click the lock in place. It doesn't matter that it has been every night this week, somehow I managed to convince myself that I am braver than I am.

I slump against the door and put my hand over my racing heart. I listen to the apartment and it is silent and dark. Once again, I'm here alone. I expected football training camp to be grueling, but I didn't expect it to last twelve hours a day. But that's because I didn't realize he would also be taking summer school classes. Apparently, they want him to lighten his load during football season by taking some of his classes over the summer.

He's at the training facility by seven o'clock every morning, and although he's done with training by four in the afternoon, he still has a mandatory study group that lasts until six or sometimes later. They have a nutritionist at the training facility and they've put him on a special diet for the season so he has eaten almost every meal with the team. Which means for the last three weeks we've done virtually nothing together except sleep.

I could go to my mom’s for dinner, but for some reason, I'm reticent to let anyone know how much time I'm spending alone. The tension between Benji and me has left me even more isolated. In the past, I would have turned to him, but that feels wrong now. It would be sending him the wrong message and it would make Ford uncomfortable. Neither is something I want to do. I do hope Tracy is able to convince Lydia to come out. It's been a while since it was just the three of us.

It's been a long time since I've spent this much time alone. I had forgotten how loud my thoughts can be when they are the only things keeping me company. I realize I've been fooling myself into thinking that I've been healing when really what I've been doing is distracting myself. There are very few distractions for me now, and I'm practically crawling out of my skin. That's why I've been spending so much time at work.

I dig through the fridge and throw together a simple salad. I'm not much of a cook, and without someone overseeing self-care, I don't put much effort into taking care of myself. Most of my meals I eat standing up over the sink. This one is no different. I quickly wash my dishes and put everything away when I'm done.

Seven-thirty is too early for me to go to sleep. I pace back and forth in the apartment. I've left most of the lights off and there is an orangish glow coming in from the streetlight shining in my window.

I don't know what I want to do, but I know that I'm not doing well. That feeling is welling up inside of me. The one that makes my skin feel too tight, like it's stretched to its limit across my bones. I can feel the poison spreading through my veins. Intrusive thoughts spring into my mind showing me vivid scenarios of me cutting myself. My hands shake, and I spend far too long, staring at the block of knives on the counter. Long enough that I scare myself.

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