Page 81 of Pretty Broken Promises

I can't even make it through one day without a completely normal interaction sending me into a complete spiral of panic. A normal person would have stopped and talked to Shane when he put his hands on her shoulders. Not me. I froze, and had to be talked down like some kind of wounded animal.

Here's Ford, dominating the football field and bringing his struggling team back from the brink of a disastrous season in one afternoon, and I can't even watch the game without having a meltdown. Why is it that everyone else can see that he's better off without me and not him? How selfish do I have to be to hold onto him when I can see everything he's giving up for me?

The answer is really fucking selfish. We’re past the point where I can live without him. I know that, but that doesn’t mean he needs to be punished because he’s with me. There has to be a middle ground.

I don't know what the answer is. I do know that I promised him I would not run again. I fake a smile, and try to look happy, even though inside I feel like I'm dying. It isn't fair for me to bring down the rest of the afternoon. Ford should be celebrated for this achievement. I'm proud of him, it’s just that I'm afraid after watching this I have to let him go, or at least appear to.

When the game is over, I try and convince everyone that we should just slip out of the stadium and not try to see Ford. Shane won't have it though. He hasn't seen Ford this trip, and doesn't want to leave without at least saying hi.

Of course, Mitch must have suspected that we hadn't left, and is hanging around the hallway to catch a confrontation between myself and Ford. I just don't have it in me to put on an act right now. It probably seems like I'm depressed because I think my boyfriend is cheating on me, exactly what he wants me to think, but in reality I'm upset because I know there's always going to be someone judging Ford because of our parents’ marriage.

College isn’t even under as big of a microscope as professional football. I am sure if it's a big deal now, there will be teams that won't even consider signing him because of it. Maybe this really isn't our time. We've waited this long, maybe in a few more years, once he's had a shot at a professional career, then we can be together out in the open. Being with me shouldn't take away from his life. That's not how it’s supposed to work. I will have to put an end to any thoughts of traveling with him, and there may be times he will have to take other women to events, but I believe we can make this work.

I'm not sure how long we wait in the hallway. I'm too mentally numb to keep track of time. When he does come out, the girls from the owner’s box are there. Now they look nervous, especially Kylie. She likely has no idea that I already know she's lying. Whatever arrangement she has with Director Daniels seems to be dependent on me believing she's had a fling with Ford. I'm not thinking clearly enough right now to call her on this bullshit, not without talking to Ford first. On my list of priorities, she doesn't even make the cut.

I can see the exuberance on his face as he exits the locker room. He was always high on adrenaline after a game in high school. It's been a while since I've seen him play. I forgot how much he lights up after he's won a game. It further cements my resolution to do what is best for him. I know he won't be happy with me about it. I do know he cares for me, loves me even, but I love him too much to let him sacrifice everything for me.

He zeros in on my face and his smile falls. He rushes straight over to me. There are people in the hallway, calling out his name, and he ignores all of them. “Vixen, what's wrong?”

“One of the jersey chasers told her that you guys hooked up last night. That's probably what's wrong with her,” Shane explains for me.

In all of the excitement and switching seats, then with the game starting, we somehow neglected to explain to Shane why we were sure that Kylie and her friends were lying.

Ford knows that I couldn't possibly suspect him of cheating on me last night, which means something else is wrong. Predictably, he is not going to let go until he gets to the bottom of it.

“Tessa, baby, you know I didn't do anything with her last night or any other night. What is really bothering you?”

My voice wobbles as I tell him, “You were really great out there. That's where you belong, you know? The Director found us in line, and made sure I overheard Kylie talk about hooking up with you. He thinks I'm upset that you're cheating on me.”

He inhales slowly, his nostrils flaring. “Which explains why Coach Greer finally put me on the field. Son of a bitch tried to give me some story about Jefferson's grades being down or some shit. That kid might suck ass on the field, but his grades are as good as mine. I think they knew that I wasn't going to blink first so they went on to Plan B. I've been expecting them to do something.”

Ford grabs my hands and gives them a slight shake. “Why don't you look more relieved?”

“Because this has nothing to do with them wanting you to appear single. I don't think they care if you're in a relationship, they just don't want you in a relationship with your stepsister. That is bad for PR. You know what, I'm sure that pro teams are going to think the same way. Yeah they're dicks, but just because we know that we didn't grow up together, and that we were together first doesn’t mean shit. Nobody else is going to see things that way, and they’re not going to take the time to find out either. Being with me is going to hold you back.”

“Stop it,” he commands.

I waved my arm toward the field. “What you did out there was like art. Every member of this team is depending on you.”

“And I will walk away in an instant. If you so much as think about sacrificing our relationship in some misguided attempt to try and save my future of playing a fucking game, I'll give it up. You might not even come back to me, and I will still walk away. You promised me, no more running.”

A tear slips down my cheek. “Don't you see? All I do is ruin things for you. But you’re right, I’m not strong enough to let you go. Not anymore. But, I can be your secret.”

“Like fuck you can. I’m done letting others dictate what kind of relationship we have. You aren’t running from me, and I will not hide you like you’re some dirty secret I’m ashamed of,” Ford grits out.

Shane comes up next to us. “Tessa, since the moment you strutted your spoiled ass in front of his truck demanding he do something about his mom he’s been yours. Growing up in the Park you meet a lot of kids with daddies that are men with families living in the suburbs. If you’re asking him to keep you a secret so he can play a game, you are underestimating how much more he cares for you. I’m sorry I haven’t been more supportive.”

Ford cradles the side of my face. “You swore to me that we would find solutions together, and you wouldn’t leave me again. Not even if you thought it was what was best for me. If I can’t love you openly, it will feel a lot like when we were lying to ourselves and trying to fuck without feelings. I don’t want half a life with you. I want all of it, and I’m not going to sneak around and pretend in front of the world that you aren’t the center of mine.”

I dare myself to be brave and look up into his hazel eyes. There's so much conviction in them. “You’re right. I just?—”

He kisses my forehead and holds me against his chest. I can feel his heart racing against my cheek. “We both have a lot of trauma to untangle, and we will. I’ll tell you every day that you are my priority if you need to hear it. This game is just that, a game. I’m not going to piss away forever for something kids do for fun. I want our fifty or sixty years together. I want kids and grandkids. The ups and downs, I want all of it, and I’m not going to miss a lifetime with you over a few years with a ball.”

A red-faced Coach Greer storms over to us. “What is going on over here? I believe I've made our position very clear, have I not, Ford? If you are confused, I believe there are pictures and video that I can show Miss James here. If you won't correct the situation, I'm willing to bet she has enough pride to do it for you.”

Ford drapes his arm around my shoulders. “What are you talking about? What pictures? Video of what?”

The athletic director pushes his way through the crowd, but I do notice a few of the boosters tagging along. “Jake, perhaps now is not the best time or place to be having this conversation,” Mitch says.

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