Page 47 of Pretty Broken Promises

A wide smile spreads across her face. “It is pretty hot actually.”

Maybe I'm naïve or I'm just really bad at putting the pieces together, but I can't figure out how I fit into this story. “Not that I'm unhappy about our girl bonding time, but why are you sharing this particular detail about the restaurant we're going to tonight?”

“Because I saw your face when you found out about the night that—” She trails off, having a hard time, saying the words.

“About the night that Ford watched you and your husband fuck? I mean it's not the most comfortable feeling. Especially considering I was pretty much ostracized and then you three just have some sort of kinky make up ritual and afterwards, everything is hunky-dory,” I rant. The words come pouring out as if I opened a release valve and there is no turning it back off.

Raven jabs her finger on the comforter. “That's exactly what I mean. I'm not denying that we fucked up. You felt left out because youwereleft out. And I know that to other people what happened between the three of us seems really strange, but it really helped Sin put away his jealousy over what happened between Ford and me. I know there is still some lingering animosity between us, and I think this could tear down that wall.”

I think about what she’s suggesting. It's weird, but it does have a twisted kind of logic to it. Instead of being this painful memory about a night that tore apart my relationship, it can become something that cements a bond between the four of us. Maybe I'm just trying to rationalize this because there's a part of me that wants to be as free as Raven, and I think they can help me get that back.

I chew on my lip as I think about that. “I'm not sure. It's still so hard for me. I want to get to where you are. When Ford and I were in Seattle we finally?—”

Raven starts bouncing on the bed. “You totally got it on. I could tell, you had a glow that no lotion or makeup can give you.”

I roll my eyes. “Yeah, so, the thing is, I couldn’t let him take control, even though I wanted him to. I am not a take charge kind of girl in the bedroom.”

“You’re submissive. I am too,” she comments with a shrug.

I wonder if I have some kind of sign or tell. She says it so matter of factly that I must be broadcasting it somehow. It was pretty easy to determine for me that she was based on how much she was enjoying Sin’s hand necklace.

I chuckle. “I noticed.”

“I’m going to say something and I hope it’s not crossing any lines,” she begins.

I hold my breath, and motion for her to speak.

“Ford is pretty dominant. How did he handle giving you that much control?”

“He struggled at points to not take over, but he was pretty great about it. It's not like I hated it. There were parts that I would want to keep, but I want to get back that feeling of safety to be able to hand over that trust to him and not seize up when his weight is on top of me.”

“We don't have to commit to do or not do anything. Let's just find the sexiest dresses that we own, put on some really slutty underwear, and go out to dinner with our men. From there, we're just going to do what feels right. Promise me you will try to stay in the moment. Don't get lost in your head and worry about what's going to happen next. Know that the three of us have your back no matter what. Whatever feels natural and feels good that's what we go with.”

I nod my head. “I can do that.” Or at least I would try.

* * *

I feelnaked in the dress Raven picked out for me. It’s one I’ve had for years, and never had the guts to wear. I’m not even sure why I ever bought it. Where did I think I was going to wear a black, backless dress that looks more like a slip?

Whatever the reason was, I’m wearing it now, along with a pair of silver spike heels studded with tiny rhinestones. My hair is down, with loose curls that Raven painstakingly made to look like what she called, “sex hair.” She completed the look with a smoky eye and transfer-free red lipstick. My stomach gives a little flip thinking of why I would be worried about my lipstick smudging on something or someone else.

The image of Ford’s cock with my lipstick smeared on it flits through my mind, and I definitely don’t hate it. That’s because I still feel some kind of primal need to mark my territory when it comes to him, and I’m not sure when that feeling will go away. Even here with our friends, I wonder when he’s going to get bored with monogamy and move on. We never have been great at maintaining commitment for long stretches of time.

Sin is giving me an odd look, not in a sexual way, but I still feel like he’s peering deep inside of me. He has a really creepy way of stripping a person down to their basic motivations. It’s like being emotionally naked. I’ve had sex with the guy, and being friends with him feels more intrusive than that. I wonder sometimes how Raven can handle someone as intense as he is. If he’s like this with someone he’s barely friends with, I can only imagine how he must be when they’re alone. I don’t even mean sexually. The way he must consume her every breath when they’re alone, I’m jealous. I’ve always wanted Ford to be that taken with me the way the two of them are with each other.

Maybe then I wouldn’t feel disposable. I know he’s been trying to prove to me that he’s all in, and I try to believe him. He says to give him time, and I guess I don’t have a choice. I couldn’t run away or push him away now. I might not believe he needs me, but for me, Ford is the air I breathe.

I stumble on my heels when I get a look at him. Ford in normal jeans and a T-shirt can and has brought women to their knees, but in a pair of tailored black slacks and a fitted dress shirt is lethal. The dark gunmetal gray shirt somehow makes his hazel eyes stand out even from across the room. Sometimes I can’t believe we’ve been given this second chance, and I find myself holding my breath for when we’ll fuck it up again.

They’re all looking at me, and I realize I’ve been lost in my head for a lot longer than I thought. That’s something that has happened a lot since my abduction. My therapist called it a trauma response, but I call it fucking annoying. It’s just another thing that makes me feel like I’m broken. I can’t even be with my boyfriend the way we used to, the way I want to, not without having a breakdown and freaking out.

Ford moves to stand in front of me. His hand slides around my waist, and some of the anxiety swelling inside of me retreats. “If you aren’t up for this, we don’t have to go,” he says.

“She’s fine,” Sin intrudes before I can speak. His dark eyes latch on to mine, and I see understanding in their dark depths. “Sometimes the thoughts inside our heads get too loud to ignore.”

Sin turns to face me and gives me the full weight of his attention. “We’re just going to dinner. Ford can tell you that he wants you to be happy. Raven and I can tell you we consider you a good friend, family even, but words don’t mean shit to people like us. The only goal tonight is to make you feel comfortable and included. We will all follow your lead.”

“That’s a mistake, because I’m fucking lost,” I admit. It’s probably the most honest thing I’ve told anyone about how I’m feeling except for Benji. Maybe I am starting to see them as my friends, and that scares me. Letting more people in means I have more people to lose.

---