Page 30 of Pretty Broken Promises

FORD

Tessa hasn't stopped smilingfrom the moment the car we ordered dropped us off downtown. We don't really have a set itinerary, so we are just wandering around aimlessly. I pull her to a stop every time I see her face light up. It's never what I would expect. There are so many famous tourist attractions here, but my girl always finds beauty in overlooked things.

It's the things other people take for granted that she finds fascinating. The murals painted on brick walls, the ones people walk past without acknowledging, musicians playing on street corners for change, any store that sells something vintage or not mass-produced she wants to stop inside. I love the smile that stretches across her face every time she discovers something new, or gets a chance to show me one of her favorite things.

That fire that has been suppressed since she came back to Playa is once again a raging inferno. I can't deny that she's alive here in Seattle. My bitching about the rain aside, I have to admit it's a beautiful city. I think I can get around to settling in here, especially if being here puts that look on her face.

Weight seems to shed off her shoulders the longer we walk around the city. By early afternoon, she's practically skipping down the side street. We're in an artsy district and nobody pays her a second glance. I feel less self-conscious here too, not that I ever gave much of a fuck about other people’s opinions.

Her excitement seems to be building, and our aimless meandering starts to have a specific destination, but she's being very tight-lipped about where she's taking me. I'm not a big fan of surprises, but I'll enjoy this one just to watch the pure joy she's exuding.

Another block down, she grabs my hand and practically drags me down the sidewalk. “Come on, hurry up. You're a giant, you should be much faster than this.”

“I could be a lot faster if I actually knew where I was going,” I remind her.

She points about another block down. “You see that red-faced shop over there?”

I nod my head, and she continues talking. “We're going there.”

I sweep her up into my arms, and she squeals. “That's all I needed to know.”

Tessa tips her head back and laughs. “That's what I'm talking about. Use those giant legs!”

People must be very weird in this city because nobody gives us a second glance. I thought it was Portland that was proud of being weird, but I guess there have to be some similarities between the two Pacific Northwest cities.

I set her down outside the doors of a coffee shop. For a moment she goes rigid and I remember what she told me the night before. Without even thinking, I pull her close and hold her against my chest. Then I remember her aversion to being touched, and I hold my breath praying that she doesn't panic.

She grabs both hands in my shirt and buries her head between my pecs. I take that as a good sign and cradle the back of her head with my hand. I lean down, kiss the top of her head, and whisper, “I've got you, Vixen. I swear on my life, I will never let you down again.”

Tessa shudders and breathes deeply like she’s smelling me. “I won't let them take this place from me. They've taken enough.”

My hands go to her shoulders and hold her back just a little. “I will help you get back everything that was taken from you.”

She shakes her head. “That's not possible. I'm not being defeatist, or refusing to try and get through this. That was the one part of therapy that I was starting to grasp. I have to learn to accept that my life will be different. It doesn't have to be worse, but I am a different person now. Every experience we have in life changes us somewhat. If good ones can change us, bad ones can change us too. That doesn't mean that I have to let the change be for the worse. I get to decide how I change.”

I stroke my hands through her hair and allow her words to sink in. I'm different since the night that my dad beat me to within an inch of my life. Probably not for the better, at least I haven't been up to this point. She's right though, I can never be the person I was before that night. I made a lot of fucked up choices after that. I do deserve the blame for most of them.

She stretches up on her toes and kisses my cheek. “You're just figuring out that not everything that has happened between us is your fault aren't you?”

My throat is too thick to speak, so I nod again instead. “I know I said I didn't want us to make each other any more promises, but do you think maybe you can make me one more?”

I don't even think about what my answer will be. “I already told you, Vixen, whatever you want it's yours.”

“I know that I need to go back to therapy. I'm still struggling with finding healthy coping mechanisms. Sometimes the dark days seem to swallow me whole and I just don't know how to fight them yet.”

“What is the promise you want me to make?” I ask her, but I'm pretty sure I already know.

“I want you to try therapy too. You keep saying that we have to talk if we're going to make it work this time. We have to learn to communicate better. I think you're right, but I don't think all of the talking necessarily needs to be done with each other. After I unloaded all of that stuff on you last night, I'm seeing a little bit clearer now. I've been so afraid that you were going to judge me for all of the bad shit that happened to me that I overlooked the fact that you've lived a life of bad shit happening to you. We never had a chance to be anything but toxic because that's all we've ever known. You want me to trust you again, but don't you think our problem is that you never trusted me?”

Stabbing me would hurt less. I take a step back, and I feel the anger heating up from my chest and starting to form words on my tongue. Thankfully my brain has come on board and I bite that motherfucker hard. Still, I want to argue with her and deny everything she said, but I can’t because she's right.

When I saw her talking to her ex when we were in high school, I immediately assumed she was going back to him. I thought she was flirting with Shane. I accused her of trying to leave me over and over again before the night she actually did it. I kept expecting her to leave and I think that I manifested it. Then there’s all the bullshit I've pulled since she came back after high school. I'm the one that kept her at arm’s length, all she's been doing lately is giving me a dose of my own medicine.

There's a bench off to the side of the building and I lead her down so we can sit before we go inside her coffee house. Grabbing her hands, I pull her to sit next to me. “I have so much to make up to you. Way more than I can probably ever do. Why are you giving me another chance?”

I don't deserve it. That's clear now. My heart slams against my ribs. I'm going to lose her. I should lose her.

Her hand strokes the side of my face until I open my eyes and look down at her. “It isn't your choice if I forgive you or not, just like it's not my choice to love you. Believe me, if I had a choice I would've chosen differently. Tracy told me once that you are easy to fall for and hard to love. I'd say she nailed you.”

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