Page 29 of Pretty Broken Promises

He clears his throat. “I'm not sure I want to know.”

I don't have a lot of relationship experience. In fact, he is the entirety of it. I don’t think Jace, that loser I dated for a few months during my junior year of high school, counts.

My parents didn't have the best marriage, not that his did either, but I didn't even have an example like he did watching Shane's grandparents interact while he was growing up. I am completely out of my depth.

His eyes flick back and forth over my face, and I know he's reading me. He's always doing that. He nods his head like he has come to some kind of conclusion. “Right, I guess we're not supposed to shy away from the hard things. This is going to take some work on both our parts. What did he say?”

“He seemed to know that you were the only guy I had ever been with,” I admit.

Ford’s mouth drops open. “You mean, during that entire year we were apart, there was nobody?”

I shake my head. “I was still holding out hope that Shane would convince you to come and talk to me.”

His face falls. “I'm going to punch myself in the dick. You may as well continue. How did this observation convince you to fuck him so that I would catch you?” His words are crass, but this conversation is pouring lemon juice on a still open wound no matter what words we use.

“He said something like I would never be able to move on as long as you were the last guy I had been with, and that you would always be able to hurt me as long as that was true. I just really wanted it to end.”

He holds me to him tighter. I loop my arms around his neck again and we just hold each other for a while. This is the second time that I can feel his body shake and know that he is crying. I don't judge him for it. So much time lost, so much pain and suffering, all because we have a hard time using words.

Ford clears his throat. “You don't have to tell me, I know you were engaged to the guy, but have you and Bennett?—”

“No,” I answer quickly. I take a deep breath. “You know it hasn't been just you and Sin. I wish it had, but I didn't get a say in that.”

I look down at my lap. My therapist had gone over and over about how it was not my fault. Nothing that happened makes me dirty or any of the other negative feelings that I have. You can know something intellectually and still not feel it emotionally.

“Hey,” he says, stealing my attention back. “I know you're struggling with this. I can see it. I'm going to say that you have only chosen to have sex with me and Sin. That was your choice. Anything that was not your choice, that was rape, not sex. The mechanics might be the same, but you did not choose it, so it doesn't go in the same category.”

I tip my head to the side. I've been so focused on the mechanics as he says, how many men have used my body, I never thought to classify them into two categories of those I chose, and those I didn’t. I can work with this for now.

Ford takes a deep breath and exhales. “Well, I've been about as gloomy as the weather. I'm going to go take a shower, get dressed, and then you can show me around your city. Sorry, I mean the place I will be calling home.”

I can't help it, a wide smile stretches across my face. I wasn't sure he meant what he said last night and I've been afraid to bring it up. “You're really going to move here?”

He raises one eyebrow. “Are you?”

“I really want to. It's not just that I love this city, and I do, but aside from you, everything I need is here. My friends are here. The only family that I recognize as family is here, or at least she'll be back soon. I have a life here where people don't look at me like I'm a pariah, or someone that they have seen on a video.”

His fingers dig into me once again. “As soon as we get back to Playa, I am going to have Sin help me scour the internet for any evidence of videos of you. I'm good, but he's a genius. You know how they say what goes on the internet last forever? Well, those people didn't know Jackson Sinclair. I didn't protect you then, but I will look after you now.”

“Thank you,” I whisper and kiss the side of his mouth. It is something that worries me daily, that one of those videos that they took will somehow come back to haunt me. It's part of the reason why I feel like I'll never escape that place.

“Back to your question,” he redirects the conversation. “If you are serious about moving here. And of course you are, I can see that you are lighter here. I want that for you. I can be happy wherever you are, so if this is where you want to be, this is wherewewill go. I told you, where you go, I go.”

“God, I love you.” I slap my hand over my mouth. I didn't mean to say that. I feel it, but I didn't mean to reveal it right now. I'm ninety-nine percent certain he feels the same way, but my confidence is not exactly rock solid. I live in a constant state of fear that something is going to scare him away.

I know he thinks that I was holding him at arm’s length because I'm mad at him, mad present tense. I think he's partially right. There is some part of me that is angry, and I need to let that out so I can start to let it go. But I think he also underestimates how big a role my poor self-image plays.

I know he's not a saint. I put Benji on a pedestal that he probably doesn't deserve to be on. IknowFord doesn't belong on one. I see him as a normal man with flaws, one who's made mistakes, but I still see myself as undeserving. I'm not choosing Ford because I feel like I deserve someone who has mistreated me. If anything, the easier path would be to choose Benji because I feel less for him, but I love him enough to know he deserves more.

Ford peels my hand away from my mouth. His eyes sparkle, and he stares at me with amazement and complete joy. “Say it again,” he urges.

“I love you, you big dummy.”

“I could've done without the last part. I love you too, you giant pain in my ass.”

I smile at him and love how he always manages to lighten the mood. “Awe, baby, you say the sweetest things.”

ChapterFourteen

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