Page 25 of Pretty Broken Promises

Tessa follows my eyes, looks down at the sweatshirt, and even in the low light, I can see her cheeks redden. She shrugs. “I told you I never intended to leave you, just give you space.”

I march across the room, grab the bottom of the shirt, and tug her to me. “I've had all the space I could ever want in this lifetime.” I'm careful with her. There's still a wariness in her eyes every time I get too close or try to touch her.

“Put on something warm,” she insists and skillfully extracts herself from my reach. “And if you have something against getting wet, there are umbrellas in the downstairs closet.”

“I much prefer making you wet. Your way is a lot less fun,” I grumble.

She squeaks but otherwise doesn’t acknowledge my dirty comment. I am just trying to gauge how far I can push her, and what’s more, pull her back to me.

I skip the umbrella, but I did pack a waterproof windbreaker with a hood and I throw that on over my sweatshirt. She takes no precautions, just as I expected. We walk through the house silently, even though we’re the only ones here. She grabs her keys, locks the front door, and we walk out into the dark toward the edge of a cliff.

As we get closer I can see it's a small park with a lookout spot. Further down there's more of an open area that looks like a classic park, but the spot she chooses looks like you're sitting on the edge of the world looking out on the city. I can see why she likes this spot. From here, you can feel both alone and part of something. I can't, however, understand why we are sitting in the rain.

Tessa turns her face up to the sky and sighs as the precipitation gently falls on her skin. She's not a religious person, but this looks as close to a spiritual moment as I've ever seen her have. She breathes in the rain as if the answers are falling from the sky, and when she exhales, I know she's preparing to tell me whatever it is that I both need to know and don't want to know at the same time.

Without looking at me, she pulls up the sleeves of her shirt. The moonlight casts a glow that makes the scars on her wrists and forearms stand out as silvery lines against the rest of her skin. Then she traces another pair of scars that encircle both wrists. She sees me looking at them and drops her finger.

“Rope burns,” she says, confirming what I had asked many weeks ago. She clears her throat. “I know it's still a question for everyone how I ended up at that horrible party where Raven was almost attacked by Jesse and Kyle. I know how it looked because I know how Jesse wanted it to look. He wanted you to think I was there helping him. That I was complicit in the plans to help him separate Raven from the rest of you. And since all he knew about me was the reputation I had with all of you, of course, he assumed that would be believable.”

She bites her lip and takes a deep breath in through her nose. “After that horrible weekend at the cabin, I?—”

There's a long pause as if she's not sure she wants to divulge everything that happened during that time. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to hear it. We did a lot of damage to each other, perhaps too much to undo, but I'm sure as hell going to try. I just hope she's going to try with me.

“You kind of fell off the face of the Earth after that weekend, Vixen.”

She rolls her eyes. “Yeah, I'm real sure you were looking for me.” She might not realize it, but there's still some bitterness in her tone. I’ve been picking up on it, and I need to make her face it before we can get past this.

“You know how Tracy was usually the one who followed after a guy and would be gone for weeks or months before finally showing back up?”

I nod. I've been a shitty friend, because the last time she took off, I let her stay gone. She had been playing that disappearing act, in and out of my life for so long, that I just let her disappear. When she did come back, I didn't make any effort to renew our friendship. I was tired of people leaving me, and I didn't feel the need to bring her back into my circle only for her to do it again.

“I'm fully aware,” I finally say.

“Right, well this time Lydia decided she was going to follow her heart and get out of town. At first Tracy and I were supportive. She'd always been so secretive about her family life, but we both suspected it wasn't great. We thought she deserved an adventure. When she didn't call and didn't return any calls, we both started to worry. Tracy managed to find someone who knew someone who had seen Lydia. It was so convoluted, but it was enough for her to set out on the road to go find our friend.”

She sighs. “I didn't worry at first. Tracy had gone out on her own so many times that it never occurred to me. Something bad could happen. And then the shit went down at the cabin, and I tried to get a hold of her, but she didn't call back. She always called me back. I kind of spiraled after that.”

I narrow my eyes. “What does that mean?”

“That means I'm shit at taking care of myself, and I stopped doing it for let's say three or four days maybe. I'd have to ask Benji to be sure, but he doesn't like to talk about it.”

My fists clench. I know he's important to her. One of her best friends even. Picking a fight with him would not do me any favors. “Why would you have to ask him?”

“Because he's the one who found me, sitting in a stupor, alone in my apartment, delusional from having starved myself for like I said, an unknown number of days. While Tracy and Lydia weren't answering my calls, I apparently ignored his. Not on purpose. Most likely because after a couple of days, my phone died and I never charged it. He wasn't having that though, and he just came and got me. But none of you seemed to notice or care that I wasn't even in the state.”

“I don't understand. How did Jesse know you weren't in Playa?” I can tell immediately that was the wrong thing to ask.

Her usually warm, chocolate eyes harden and darken to jet-black orbs. She practically jumps off the bench and paces in front of me. “If you really believe that I would ever help that slimy piece of shit, why are you sitting here with me right now? Do you really think I would be alive if Sin thought I helped him? How is it a stranger can see so clearly what has been going on and you are so fucking dense? I already told you most of this shit. You know he had me taken from Seattle. I’m sure somehow they got the information from Tracy or Lydia, and after my time with them, I don’t blame them in the least.”

It isn't that he knows something I don't. It's that I haven't been able to accept what is right in front of me. Ignorance is a defense mechanism, but it doesn't matter how I cope with this because I’m not the one who survived whatever nightmare she keeps reliving. I’m ashamed to face how badly I failed her.

When she starts speaking, it feels like she’s jumped topics. Her frantic movements match with the radical shift in what she’s saying. “I had a job at this coffee house. I'll take you there later. The owner is this really cool grunge chick who was big in the music scene back in the nineties. I first worked there in high school, and when I came back with Benji, she hired me back no questions. I was really settling back in. He forced me out of the house and I was starting to?—”

This one hurts. “You were starting to get over me.”

She nods. “Eventually, you have to learn to let go of the things that only bring you pain. That's what everyone kept telling me at least.”

“And that's all I did, bring you pain?” I know the answer is yes. Listening to this, I don't even know why she bothered bringing me here. Looking back over all of our interactions since she walked into Carlo’s bar after being gone from my life for about a year, I have to admit, I don't come out so good even in my own memories. I don't know why she has given me chance after chance. I haven't earned a fucking one of them.

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