Page 20 of Pretty Broken Promises

His eyes narrow. “Do you have a problem sleeping now?”

I look away from him, but he won't let me run away even this much. Gently, he puts his hand on my chin and turns my face back until I'm looking him in the eyes again. Quietly, I answer, “Yeah, I do.”

“Okay, Vixen. If a group date is what you need, then let's go bowling.”

* * *

Sin and Ravenare better allies than I anticipated initially at creating a buffer between Ford and myself. When he comes over, they find some reason that we all need to hang out together. The next time he suggests we go out they manage to tag along.

Ford is not a very patient man. After a little more than a week, he loses his shit.

“Is there some reason you refuse to be alone with me? Am I the only one interested in giving this relationship a real try? You have to let me know now. I can't go on like this.” I can hear the vulnerability in the way his voice cracks at the end.

There are many times, especially over the last two years, that I haven’t particularly liked myself, but I would say this moment right now is one of my lowest. It's notthelowest. That prize goes to the days right after I survived Jesse. Those days get shoved into a special box that have been shoved very deep inside myself, hopefully never to be opened again.

Benji is right, getting pulled out of therapy for all of this drama surrounding my friends really hasn't been great for my mental health. Granted being kidnapped, beaten, sexually assaulted, and then falsely accused of a whole litany of offenses also hasn't been good for my mental health.

I’m hanging on by my fingernails, but Ford doesn't exactly know that. He won't if I don't tell him, but that would require trusting him. I might love him, but I am not ready to make the leap to trusting him yet. The thing is I want to, but I don't know how to repair everything that has been broken between us.

Saying any of that out loud feels like it would make it worse. Instead, I choose to continue the conversation we had before we went bowling. “I meant what I said the first night we went out. I want us to get to know each other again. I feel like if we take things too fast, we'll be right back here. I don't ever want to be here again, Ford.”

“Is this more about how I don't know you anymore? There might be some details that I've missed over the last couple of years, but I know your heart and the stuff that matters. The same is true in reverse. The fact that you like shitty beer and bad pizza now isn’t going to make me fall out of love with you. If anything, it seems like we grew together while we were apart,” he argues.

There's this voice in my head that keeps telling me when he finds out everything he's not going to want me. I can't risk it. I need to tell him everything and see how he's going to react, and once he knows and can make a decision with all the facts out in the open, then we can move forward. I just don’t think I have the strength to tell him here. My courage is back home with the only three people in the world I trust completely, who are probably drenched and not loving it like I would be. I have to take Ford to Seattle.

Ford’s hands cup both of my cheeks, and he has a look of concern. “Where did you go just now?”

I bite my lip. “You want time alone with me, yes?”

“Is that really a question?”

I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. “Will you take a trip with me? I don't feel like me here. I don't fit in here anymore.”

He looks down. I can see a look of remorse cross his features. “And that is my fault. I did that.”

This time it's my turn to tip his face back up to mine. “Hey,” I say softly. “I'm not looking to assign blame to anyone. I'm just stating a fact that this does not feel like home to me anymore. And yes, okay, you are part of that. But so is Shane, and my dad. Not every reason for me feeling more at home in Seattle is negative. I think if you're to really understand me for the person I am right now. I need to show you who I am there. So, will you go to Seattle with me?”

Ford nods his head. “I would love to.”

“I only have class Thursday morning and I don't have class on Fridays,” I tell him.

“Well, then we'll leave right after your class,” he says.

I narrow my eyes. “You don't have the same schedule I do. Can you just leave on Thursday morning? My class is early.”

He shrugs his shoulders. “I'm ahead in all my classes. And if you haven't noticed, I'm kind of a god around here being the quarterback and all. I'll email my instructors, it'll be fine. What you are going to figure out soon is that you are my priority. Nothing and no one comes before you. If my girl wants to leave Thursday morning, that's what we do.”

My lips twitch. “Your girl, huh? That's a little presumptuous isn't it? What if you find out things in Seattle that you can't live with?” I try to say it in a teasing tone, but I think he sees right through me.

He gently grabs my arms, pulls me in close, and holds me tight to his chest. “That's the real reason you're holding me back isn't it? You know you can tell me anything? Nothing you say is going to make me leave. Tessa, I can't live without you. No matter what you tell me, we will handle it together. The only thing I cannot accept is not having you in my life.”

“I promise I'll tell you everything in Seattle.”

We stand holding each other tighter. We have both made each other promises in the past, and our relationship is surrounded by a pile of broken ones. It’s time for us to start fresh somewhere not littered with the carnage of what we once were.

ChapterEleven

FORD

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