Page 18 of Pretty Broken Promises

“It took you weeks to figure shit out. I've been fucking this up for years. I have a lot more to be forgiven for, but I think she's going to give me a chance to try,” I tell him.

He points his finger at me. “Then you take that chance and you run with it.”

ChapterTen

TESSA

Benji callsme not long after Ford talks to him. I can tell he's hurting no matter how hard he tries to hide it. He's always looking out for me, even at the expense of himself. I think that's part of the reason that we could never work out. The difference in our socioeconomic background is not really that insurmountable. After all, I grew up pretty rich, and if I quit being stubborn, I could probably have access to a pretty comparable trust fund once again. However, pigs will fly before I ever speak to Wendall James again.

No, the problem that would always have kept Benji and me from really having a romantic relationship is that he was always playing the savior. I don't want to be a damsel in distress. I want to be in a relationship with equals and when I met Benji, I needed someone to save me, and he likes being that person. He's a white knight, and someday he will find a tower and a maiden to save. That girl is not me. And he deserves somebody who wants him as much as I want Ford. To settle for him wouldn't be fair for me and especially not for him. Because Benji is the best of us, and I'm not putting myself down when I say he's too good for me because he's too good for this world.

For some reason, he still cares about me enough that he wants to be my friend. I am afraid that that will fade off. I'm terrified of losing him, Ford was not wrong when he said that. He was wrong when he said it's because I'm afraid of being alone. I can handle being alone, but now that I know Benji, I don't want to not know him.

Now that I know that Ford and Benji have spoken, there's really nothing keeping us from moving forward. I just don't know what moving forward looks like after two years of being apart. Maybe it's the coward’s way out, but before Ford can come back into my room, I seek out Jen, Amber, and Raven.

I can't find Raven when I go out into the main part of the house, but Jen is messing around in the kitchen. Seems like Jen is always doing something in the kitchen. Not because she's waiting on the guys, but because the girl genuinely likes to cook things. I don't have a domestic bone in my body, probably because I grew up with a maid and a housekeeper. If you stuck me in the kitchen, I could probably burn water. I am that talented.

I hop up on the counter, swinging my legs back and forth, and wait for her to finish what she's doing, so I don't interrupt her. “Hey, Jen, whatcha doing?”

She gives me a suspicious look, because it's pretty obvious what she's doing, and holds up a spatula. “Solving world peace.”

“Oh ha ha. Obviously, you're cooking, but why? Are we having a party or something?” Please say we're having a party. I mean there's always something going on here. Either there's a game or a movie night. Maybe there's a game night. Not that this group is big on board games, but I'm sure Raven is down to throw something sharp at a board of some kind.

Instead of answering my question, she gives me a concerned look. “Are you okay?”

I swing my legs faster, my anxiety trying to work its way out of my body. “Mmm hmm, yep, just fine.”

“That was a lot of bullshit. You’re wound tighter than a clock. Do you want to tell me what's going on? I know I've been a shit friend to you, but I do want to make it up to you,” she says and I believe she means it.

A hysterical laugh escapes my lips. “Everybody's wanting to make stuff up to me today. Did I win the apology lottery or something?”

What I need is to get out of here. I wish I had my own place, or I was living with people that I was comfortable with. Tracy and Lydia are still in Seattle, and I doubt they will ever come back here. Not that I blame them. After everything that happened here I don't want to be here either.

“Did you and Ford talk?” she presses, trying to get to the root of what is bothering me. You think she was the one studying psychology, not Ford. She's going to make a damn fine nurse.

“Yeah, we talked.”

She puts down the spatula and turns off the stove. “And that is what has got you buzzing out of your skin?”

I shrug. The real answer is yes, but then I would have to get into it, and I'm not really feeling very talkative about what's going on between Ford and me.

When it comes to Jen, it's not necessary to actually speak the words. She somehow divines the truth anyway. “I'm going to take that as a yes. What do you need right now? Just say the words and I'll do what I can.”

I lean closer and lower my voice. “I need a buffer. I'm not ready to be alone with him yet. I don't know what he wants. I mean I knowwhathe wants, but I'm not ready to jump right back into the middle. It's been two years, and I just need some time.”

She bobs her head in agreement. “That makes complete sense. Anyone would need a beat to catch their breath after the two years of absolute bullshit he's put you through. He's lucky you're giving him a second chance. He can give you a minute.”

“You sound angrier at him than I am,” I reply.

She cocks her head to the side. “Are you still angry at him?”

“I—well, that is—I don't really know,” I admit.

“I think that's totally fair. Just because you have feelings for him doesn't mean some of those feelings aren't anger. You can love someone and be mad at them at the same time,” she tells me.

Jen is a very wise woman. “Lord, don't I know it. I've been both mad and in love with him for so long. I don't know how to separate the two feelings right now. I just don't want to fall back into old patterns and we had a really bad habit of hate fucking during the time when we were broken up. I don't think that would help us develop a healthy relationship.”

“Yeah, no. I think that would be the opposite of a healthy relationship. I mean, we both know the boy has skills, but you want to enjoy them for a lifetime not a short time,” she jokes.

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