Page 16 of Pretty Broken Promises

“Why are you crying?” she asks.

In the past I’d have probably shoved her off of my lap and done something to deflect the fact I have emotions, but not now. I want her in my life, all the way in. I wipe my face and lean against the bed. Might as well get comfortable physically, because this conversation isn’t going to be an easy one.

“I was remembering the first time I really fucked up with you. When I was lying in that hospital bed and refused to talk to you. I didn’t want you to see how broken I was. It never occurred to me that you’d walk out of my life, I just wanted you to leave the room.”

I take a deep breath. “Actually, that’s not true. I wanted you to curl up next to me and tell me everything was going to be okay, but I was too scared to let you. I stupidly thought I could somehow protect myself from getting hurt worse, but I was a fool. I had no idea how much worse it would hurt for you to be gone completely than when I thought we were just breaking up.”

“We’ve both handled things badly. I should have stayed, but I was afraid of what my dad would do to you.” Her eyes drop down and she chews on her bottom lip. “I really believed he would have you arrested. I couldn't be the reason that your life got destroyed.”

We sit together in silence, and I just run my fingers through her dark hair, tucking it behind her ears, and enjoying the fact that I can look deeply into her dark brown eyes once again. So much that I took for granted before. Never again will I waste these moments.

“I've missed you, Tessa,” I admit. It feels good to finally get it off my chest and be able to tell her what I'm feeling. I’m glad to stop all this bullshit pretending she doesn't mean anything to me.

“Can we be friends?” she asks.

I scowl at her. “No. I don't want to be fucking friends, Tessa. We have never been, and we will never be just friends. I could lie to you right now and tell you we will be friends. The only thing I would be doing is luring you in, giving you a false sense of security, to get in between you and that fuck-face Bennett. I’d do all of that so that I could undermine your relationship and get rid of him.”

She huffs, and it's very obvious she's irritated with me. “Then what do you want from me?”

“Don't play dumb, Tessa. You know damn good and well what I want from you,” I snap. So much for trying to get on her good side. Even when I'm not mad at her, we can't go more than five minutes without fighting. I love her, but she drives me up a fucking wall. Basically, nothing has changed.

“I know you think you want me back. We haven't been together for two years and even then, we were together for barely five minutes. I don't think you even really remember what it's like to be in a relationship with me. If you can even call what we had a relationship. We were teenagers in high school. How do we know that what we remember was real and that we aren’t just looking back at our past with rose-colored glasses?”

“I think you're being a coward,” I accuse her.

Her mouth falls open for a second before she snaps it closed. “How am I being a coward?”

My fingers dig into her hips holding her in place because I know any second she's likely to try and run away. “I think you're so scared of being alone that you'll hold onto him because he's a sure thing. You're so afraid that we will fail again, you don't want to try so you'd rather marry the safe choice. But I don't think you're going to be happy with a safe life, Tessa. It might be secure, but you need to live. You're far too passionate, and you have too much desire inside of you to go down the easy road. I know you're tired right now and you've been through a lot of shit lately, but he won't make you happy like I can.”

“He won't piss me off like you can either,” she grumbles under her breath.

I find myself nodding my head agreeing with her. “You're absolutely right. And do you know why? Because I make you feel. Not just good. I make you feel everything. I always have. I make you happy. I piss you off. I've made you sad, and I'm so unbelievably sorry about that. I will probably make you feel all of these things all over again. If I'm lucky and you give me another chance, I’ll make you feel for the rest of our lives. I'm begging you, Tessa, give me another chance. I just need one more, and I promise you, baby, I will not waste this one.”

A single tear slides down her cheek. “I want to believe you so bad, but I'm scared.”

I lift my hand and gently wipe it away. “I know, Vixen. But I promise eventually you'll understand you can trust me. I will prove it to you.”

“That's a really pretty promise, Ford.”

“Take a leap of faith, Tessa. Just one more time.”

She exhales slowly and looks down at her fingers. She's twisting them and I can see the anxiety mounting. I don't know what's going on. There's an internal struggle that I can't seem to follow. I put my hand over hers to make her stop. “What's wrong now?”

“I can't believe I'm even entertaining this, but I feel like if I don't the what-ifs it will gnaw at me for the rest of my life. There are a lot of things that I am going to regret, but I don't want not giving us another try to be one of them,” she says. But there’s still a heavy dose of anxiety in her voice that doesn't seem to match with what she's saying.

“Okay,” I draw out the word. “What you're saying sounds good, but why does it sound like it's stressing you out? Do you not actually want to be with me?” Saying those words hurt, but I don't want her to be with me if that's not what she wants. That would be like having half of Tessa and I want a hundred percent of her.

She takes a slow, deep breath in through her nose. “I'm going to hurt him, and hurting Benji hurts me. You're right, I don't love him like I do you, but I do love him. I know you don't want to hear that, but I can't deny it either. I hope you don't think that I'm going to cut him out of my life, because that's never going to happen.”

I clench my teeth before I say anything. Past reputation aside, I don't actually share very well. Correction, I don't share Tessa very well. As in not at all. I don't know exactly what their status is, but I won't lie and say that I am comfortable with them continuing to be in each other's lives. However, I am the one who blasted a hole in her life that he fit himself into. He's the one that put her together again. I have a very strong suspicion that without him she wouldn't be here right now. If for no other reason than that, I need to get right with this guy, and get used to him being around. I might not ever be friends with him, but I need to be friendly with him. That means I need to man up and make a phone call.

“I won't say I like it, but I do understand it. I was wondering, would you let me call him? You said you were pre-engaged, whatever that means, and I think he would want you to be happy, right?”

Tessa nods.

“He did tell you to figure out where your heart was or what you wanted, right?” She nods again. “In that case, would you mind if I called him and told him directly how I feel about you? I'm not going to ask him for permission to be with you because you're not a possession that either of us can pass back and forth. I am, however, going to ask him to make it easy on you to follow your heart. And I will promise him in return that I will not stand in the way of your friendship, just like I'm promising you the same thing right now.”

She throws her arms around my neck and this time she's the one holding me tight. I put my hand behind her head, brush my lips across her cheek, but before they could meet her, she puts her finger against my mouth.

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