Page 15 of Pretty Broken Promises

“Do you really love her?” Shane asks me.

I turn on him and narrow my eyes. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Of course I love her. I always have.”

He takes a deep breath. “Then you are going to have to decide if you are really what is best for her. If you really love her, you might have to let her go so she can be happy.”

“Would you let Jen go if it would be the only way to make her happy?” I counter.

I can tell he wants to tell me he would, but I know he’s just as fucked up as I am. I love Tessa, but I’m a selfish bastard. If being with me won’t make her happy, then I’ll have to change into what will, because the only thing I won’t do is let her go.

ChapterNine

FORD

I knowTessa well enough to know when to give her space. Not too much though, because knowing her, she’s likely to sneak out a window and disappear into the night. I give the others enough time to go back to their previous conversations or pay attention to the game on the TV before I creep down the hallway and slip into her room.

Her back is to me when I close the door, but I can tell she was expecting me by the stiffness in her posture the moment she heard me enter the room. She drops the shirt she’s holding into a bag on the bed but doesn’t turn around. “What do you want, Ford?”

I can hear exhaustion and resignation in her voice like she’s been waiting for me to come in here and confront her. I put my hands on her shoulders and turn her around. She needs to see me so she can start to believe it will never be that way between us ever again.

“I want you, Tess. I thought I made that clear.”

Her head is shaking slightly, denying my words before they’re even all the way out of my mouth. “How exactly did you make that clear?” She gestures emphatically toward the door. “Was that what you thought you were doing out there? I think we’re better off going our separate ways.”

I reach for her hand, but she clenches it closed so I grab her wrist instead. Her skin is warm and soft. It’s been so long since I’ve had even this much contact with her that I can’t stop myself from tracing the blue lines of her veins underneath. When I brush across the scars there it’s hard to breathe. They remind me that the ring on her finger isn’t the first time I’ve come close to losing her.

“You think this is about me being jealous of him. That I’ll just go back to hating you as soon as he’s no longer a threat,” I say while still rubbing my thumb back and forth across the thick line of skin crossing over her delicate veins.

“Sounds about right,” she says in a voice barely louder than a whisper.

“Seeing you with him isn’t the reason I want you back. I never wanted you gone.”

She gives me a look of distrust. “Oh, so pushing me away and making sure everyone around you hated me was your way of making me feel welcome? If that’s true, you’re more fucked up than I thought.”

Her words sound harsh, but there’s little heat behind them. She’s also not fighting to get away from me. I can’t tell if she’s giving up, or she’s just waiting for me to leave. If it’s the latter she’s going to be disappointed. I’m never leaving her again.

I tug on her wrist and pull her closer to me. My breath catches as her unique scent of ocean and citrus invades my nose. For a long time after she left, I would hold a sweatshirt of mine she’d worn up to my face and inhale deeply. For those few seconds, she was there with me. But, eventually, the smell faded from the sweatshirt. It was like losing her all over again. That is what the last couple of years have been, losing her in pieces, and I stupidly thought I could guard myself from feeling all of the pain. Keeping my distance, always holding her at arm’s length. The only thing I’ve done is prevent myself from really being able to hold her.

The loneliness, pain, and torment of being without her for the last couple of years suddenly becomes too much. I fell in love with her and lost her when I was eighteen. Maybe now, a few months past my twenty-first birthday, I’m man enough to let go of the hurt and drop my defenses to finally let her in. Somehow, I have to show her what she means to me and start making up for every promise I’ve broken.

Right now, I’m desperate for her. She’s still not close enough to me. I’m not sure she could ever be close enough. I need to be inside of her again soon, and not just because I’m not as big of a whore as everyone seems to think I am. After hooking up with Raven at the cabin, and the shitshow that followed, I haven’t touched another woman. If I couldn’t make it work with Raven, I had to face facts. I am hopelessly in love with Tessa. The forever kind of love. Her name might as well be tattooed on my heart because there’s no way anyone else will ever have a claim on it.

Tessa stumbles and falls against my chest. Her lush tits press against me for the first time in ages, and I have to force myself to remain still to keep from scaring her away. This is what I need, to have her in my arms again. I know she’s not ready for more, and despite all the bullshit that spewed from my lips over the last couple of years, Tessa is actually one of the most loyal people I know.

As much as I wish it would, sex won’t fix what’s broken between us. For me, it would be about the connection but for her, there are too many bad memories. All the times I used her body like my own personal fuck toy flash in my mind. I couldn’t stay away from her, no matter how hard I tried. I never lingered long after we were done, because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to walk away. I should have just stayed and saved both of us so much heartache. Every time I left, I saw that flash of hurt in her eyes.

The only time I didn’t was the morning everything went to shit, the morning we went to the cabin. She rolled away from me first, and I learned that as hard as seeing her pain was, seeing her indifference was worse. The next time I touch her, she’ll roll into my arms, and trust I want her there. She’ll know that every breath, every molecule of her delectable body is mine. I’ll worship her daily, and she’ll never feel insecure about my love for her again.

We aren’t there yet, and if I tell the truth I don’t know how to get us back there. I can’t stop the reel of our worst moments from playing in my head, and I hold her too tight, crushing her against my chest as if that could somehow make the memories stop. Maybe if I hold onto her now, I can prevent myself from losing her then. I've lived through many traumas in my life, it's hard to say which one was worse than another, but I would have to put losing Tessa up there with the worst of them. Pain like that leaves a mark on you.

The headliner is the night my father beat me while I slept. I had been kicked out of her dad’s house and told I couldn’t see her anymore. I was so pissed at her because she didn’t fight for us. At least that’s how I saw it then. Now I know all she did was fight for us, and I’m the one who threw everything away.

When she came to see me in the hospital, I didn’t want her to see how broken I was. Instead of reaching for her and telling her how much I needed her, and I really fucking did, I watched her reflection in the window of my hospital room as she turned and walked away. If I’d known then everything that would happen after, I’d force my bitch ass to roll over. Even though I didn’t want her to see the pain and fear I was dealing with, anything would have been better than enduring it without her.

“Hey, Ford, what’s wrong?” Tessa’s voice sounds soft and soothing. It’s the voice she uses when she’s trying to comfort someone in pain. The voice I heard her use on the phone recently with Lydia, and hearing the tone catches my attention.

Her hands stroke my face, and I look at her confused. Somehow we’re sitting on the floor. She’s straddling my lap, and I’m clinging to her like she’s my lifeline. Then the most miraculous thing happens, she kisses me softly on the cheek.

Instinctually, I reach up to touch the spot and come away with wet fingers. I stare at them mystified. She takes my hand and doesn’t let go.

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