Page 67 of Pretty Broken Things

His jaw hardens. “Because I don’t want a relationship, and she’s not a casual girl. Plus, she deserves more than I can give her. It’s better this way.”

“So, I should have meaningless sex with you to make Ford see I deserve more than meaningless sex? That’s some advanced level boy math there,” I retort.

“If you’re dumb enough to take him back after he’s used you as a cum dumpster. That’s entirely your choice. I think you should have some self respect and leave him in the past. I’m offering you a chance for revenge first.”

I purse my lips. I’m about to tell him no, but I happen to look back in the house and see Ford and Alice in the kitchen. He touches her face as she looks up at him adoringly, and suddenly the thought of revenge is the only thing on my mind. It’s better than a death by a thousand cuts.

Being with Jackson is different. He knows what he’s doing, I’ll give him that, but it’s just not the same. Here I’ve been labeling what’s been happening between Ford and I for the last year as meaningless sex, but I was just lying to myself. Everything with him is full of meaning.

Jackson tenses up, and I don’t have to look to know we’ve got an audience. It’s what we were planning, but now that he’s watching I’m losing my nerve. Then I remember every time he’s gotten up and walked away from me the moment he came. Every time I’ve seen him talking to another girl the next day, hell sometimes later the same day. I force myself to remember he’s made me the villain in our story, and has everyone thinking I’m a slut.

Out of the corner of my eye I see them kissing. It’s so much worse than what’s happening between Jackson and I, because for him kissing means a connection. He hasn’t kissed me since the night at the club. I hope this is the end. I want to kill whatever is lingering between us before it kills me.

* * *

When I getup in the morning I pray that yesterday was a bad dream. I’m not proud of myself for giving into Jackson’s revenge plot. It certainly doesn’t make me feel better in the light of day. Stupidly I have hope that somehow everything can return to normal, even if normal is slowly killing me.

Then it gets worse. Alice comes out of Ford’s room wearing one of his t-shirts, and I see red. “What the actual fuck is going on here?” I screech.

I’m totally humiliated by how I’m acting, but like Benji has been warning me everything inside of me just comes spilling out.

“Go away, Tessa,” Ford snaps at me.

I hear other people talking, but it’s just a buzz in my head. The only words I hear areGo away, Tessarepeating over and over in my head. He’s absolutely right that there’s a push and pull dynamic between us, but he’s the one doing the pushing and pulling. Except, this time he means it.

“How could you?” I ask him. Not how he could sleep with her. I have no illusions that he’s been faithful to me. We’re technically not together, but I want to know how he could share a bed with her, when he can’t wait to run away from me each time we’re together. That’s the part that feels like the biggest betrayal.

“How could I?” He laughs, and I know he’s about to put on a show for our nosey friends. Correction, his nosey friends. I should stop deluding myself that any of these people give a shit about me.

“You ask me how I could move on? You pushed me away, over and over. Did you think I was going to wait around and take whatever scraps you sent my way and be grateful?”

His words hit their target. Everyone in here, except for Shane, believes this bullshit version he feeds them. Only I know he’s belittling me. He’s the one that pushes me away. And I am the one who waits around taking whatever scraps of affection he gives me. This is what he really thinks about me.

It hurts, and I do the one thing I promised myself I’d never do in front of him, I start to cry.

“You don’t love her,” I whisper.

“Yeah, well loving you fucking hurts. And I’m going to take a chance at having something more than you are willing to give. Ra—Alice is worth it. She’s worth everything, and I’m not letting her go.”

He’s looking past me, and I know those last words are meant for Jackson, but I also know he’s telling the truth about loving me.

Tears come harder, and if I’m going to humiliate myself, I’m going to lay it all on the floor. “I’m sorry. I messed up, but are you really willing to throw away everything?”

I don’t care if everyone in this room thinks I’m apologizing for being the coldhearted bitch he paints me as. He knows I’m apologizing for two years ago. He’ll never forgive me for breaking up with him, even if my intentions were good.

“There’s nothing to throw away. You set out to hurt me, just like he did her. All you managed to do was open our eyes.” All of that is for them, then he looks at me. Really looks at me for the first time in days, and I know that the next words are his advice to me. “Sometimes you’ve got to let go of something if all it does is hurt.”

I hear myself say, “What now?” But I’m not asking him. I’m asking myself what I should do now.

Alice steps up and starts saying something. I’m beyond hearing her at this point. I’m floating away to where all this is over, and every breath doesn’t hurt so much. All I have to do is survive the trip home, and then I can walk away for the last time.

He takes her hand and they head back to his room. I can’t breathe in here, so I step outside.

Footsteps thump on the boards of the deck. The wood creaks as they grow closer to me, but I don’t turn around. I already know it’s not Ford.

“He does love you,” Shane says.

I wrap my arms around myself. “You’ve been telling me that for the last two years. He just told me we’re over.”

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