Page 52 of Pretty Monsters

Raven ducks into the bathroom, and I hear the shower kick on. Shane was right, everything is fucked.

"You ask me how I could move on? You pushed me away, over and over. Did you think I was going to wait around and take whatever scraps you sent my way and be grateful?"

Her lip quivers, and I can't drum up sympathy for her. We did this to ourselves.

"You don't love her," she whispers.

"Yeah, well loving you fucking hurts," he snaps. "And I'm going to take a chance at having something more than you are willing to give me."

His eyes catch mine and hold. There's a challenge in his gaze. "Ra–Alice is worth it. She's worth everything, and I'm not letting her go."

"I'm sorry. I messed up, but are you really willing to throw away everything?" she sobs.

"There's nothing to throw away. You set out to hurt me, just like he did to her. All you managed to do was open our eyes. Sometimes you've got to let go of something if all it does is hurt."

Panic seizes my body. I did this. His words might as well have been hers. I thought I wanted to push, but like Tessa, I stupidly thought I could pull her back.

"What now?" she asks him.

Raven steps out of the bathroom, wearing only a towel. Her chin lifts stubbornly. "Now we deal with what is. I'm sorry you're hurting Tessa. For reasons I don't understand I like you, or I did. But, neither of you get to control how we feel. You and Jackson wanted to show us we meant nothing to you. Well, consider the message received. But, just because neither of you can care about us doesn't mean we are undeserving of love. What happens between Ford and I has nothing to do with you, and it isn't your business either."

Ford reaches for her, and when she takes his hand, he pulls her to his side. He smiles down at her and tucks a strand of her wet hair behind her ear. "Go on a walk with me?"

She nods, and he goes to the room she was supposed to stay in and grabs her bag. He moves her into his room, and she lets him.

* * *

The mood has changedamong everyone. We still barbecue, but conversation isn't as light and easy as last night. Ted tries to liven everyone's spirits, but his efforts lack his usual enthusiasm. Shane focuses on Jen.

Amber and Jen seem to be ignoring Tessa. They are more attentive to Raven, and working hard to make sure she feels welcome.

I want to hate Ford. It should be easy, the way he's casually touching Raven. He might not love her, yet, but he will. She's easy to love.

The thought occurs to me that it would be easy to stop whatever is growing between them. All I'd need to do is tell Lucien we need to leave. He wouldn't give her a choice. She'd be pissed, but eventually she would forgive me. Except, I've hurt her enough. I can't take away more from her.

Eventually, the bonfire dies out. Everyone takes it as a cue to head to bed. I'm in hell watching her take his hand and follow him to his room.

Not once has she spoken directly to me today. Seeing her with him hurts worse this time. I wasn't expecting it. Of course, I knew I wanted her, but I wasn't willing to admit until this moment that those feelings went beyond physical.

Funny how losing something makes you appreciate it more.

Shane hangs back while the rest of them go inside. As soon as we're alone he speaks to me. "He loves Tessa. He's always loved Tessa. As much as I want to see him take this chance, the one you pissed away, it won't last. They don't love each other, and eventually they'll see that."

I nod, afraid to latch on to the hope he's dangling in front of me. I don't do feelings. You can't be a soldier in Damien's army and have emotions. But, I'm not one of his soldiers anymore. I need to stop living like one. Too bad I realized it now.

"Are you hearing me?" he asks.

"They won't last," I croak.

He nods. "What are you going to do if you get a second chance?"

"Take it," I whisper.

"Better start trying to earn it. Ford's not stupid, and Raven is pretty amazing. If anyone could make him fall, it'd be her. I have a feeling your hooks are deeper in that girl than she'd like them to be."

Hope is painful, but living without it? That's like dying slowly. I'd spent twenty-one years as a ghost. I don't deserve Raven, but maybe I could?

18

---