Page 42 of Beck and Call

She shook her head a little bit.

"You don't want me to come back?"

She rubbed the base of my ring finger on my left hand before squeezing it one more time. I wasn't sure, but I felt like she was telling me to move on.

I tried to smile for her, but it felt awkward and forced. "Goodbye for now, Callie."

She smiled a little when I left, and I got the feeling she would be happier if I never came back.

Chapter Fifteen

Evie

Istood at the railing of the club watching bodies writhe and twist to the thrumming of the music. The building had its own pulse, and I could feel it beat under my palms. Part of me longed to join them, to lose myself under the flashing lights and join the anonymity of a crowd.

I wondered, briefly, if this was how my mother felt when she was my age. She was only twenty-four when she passed away, and the last year of her life was a frenzied tangle of mistakes. I'd watch her flit from one thing to another, always searching for something to make her feel good. Men, booze, drugs, she tried all of it. There were brief moments she'd turn to me to lift her up. Nothing sustained her, and she'd roam again in search of the next high.

So many things during that time made me feel low. It was ironic, the higher she got the lower I sank, because I was never enough. I couldn't even enjoy when she'd turn to me, because I always let her down. Then, I'd be angry at her for being weak. Honestly, I was still angry at her, except now I understood a little. Of all the things that have terrified me in my life, developing an understanding of my mother was the scariest.

There was a racing heat traveling in my veins that demanded I seek relief. It made me restless and unmoored. I hadn't had a drop of alcohol, and yet my head swam. A cold sweat broke out on my forehead, and the need to run away was overwhelming. My chest tightened, and it became hard to breathe. Air, I needed air because the people in here had sucked it all out of the building.

Sabrina and Jana were both dancing with men who'd come to talk to them. I'd blown off every effort a man had made to talk to me all night, and eventually they stopped. My friends didn't actually need me around. Once they knew how much of a downer I was, they'd probably prefer it if I were gone.

No one stays, not with me. At least my grandmother didn't choose to leave me. God, I missed her. She was my rock, my one safe place. Without her nothing made sense anymore.

Without much thought I found myself descending the stairs. I didn't grab my purse, or the wrap thing Jana told me looked better with the dress she convinced me to wear. There was only one thought pounding in my head. Air.

I shouldered my way through sweaty bodies and past the bouncer at the door. Unsure of where I was and no idea where I wanted to go, I picked a direction and began to walk. After I turned the corner the smell of the sea lured me to keep walking farther. The giant Ferris wheel loomed dark and foreboding in the distance. It had closed down hours earlier and seemed less inviting without the lights brightening it's imposing metal frame. It stood alone in the dark, and suddenly I couldn't think of anywhere else I'd rather be.

The heels I wore pinched my toes, and goose bumps covered my exposed flesh. When I walked under a streetlamp I could see the web-like pattern of red veins crisscross my skin. It was strange, because I should have been uncomfortable.

Logically, I knew I was cold. The evidence was all over my skin, but rather than feel the sting of the wind whipping across my arms, I welcomed it. The cold seemed to douse the fire that had been raging in my blood.

Since my grandma died I’d been fighting for every opportunity to improve my life. After moving to Seattle I’d been struggling just to keep a roof over my head. All of the struggling I had to do to survive had taken its toll on me. I hadn't realized how much until I'd tasted hope for a different life. Hope was cruel, because the absence of it was worse than never having had it.

I shuffled forward, telling myself a few more steps was all I needed. A few more steps and I could stop. A few more and I could rest.

It was asinine. A few more steps wouldn't get me anywhere. A few more steps did nothing but bring me into closer view of the lonely Ferris wheel. I found a bench where I could stare out at the sound, dimly lit by a crescent moon.

"That's enough," I told myself. I wasn't sure what would happen next, but for one moment I'd let everything rest.

* * *

Beckett

Leaving a visit with Callie always left me drained. Even when our visits were short I often hid away the rest of the evening. Guilt was a heavy burden, but it was one I deserved. Colter thought I needed to sort my shit out, but would that help get Callie back the years she's spent locked inside of herself?

My phone began to ring, but I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, and I silenced it. I needed to talk to Evie, but she deserved my full attention and I couldn't give it to her yet. He was right about one thing; I needed to tell her the truth. She deserved to know why I couldn't give her what she wanted most. Evie wanted a marriage full of love, but that was the one thing I couldn't give her.

Loving someone brought pain. I'd surrendered to the frenzy only once in my life, and it brought nothing but ruin. If I gave into the feelings I knew I could easily have for her, I'd ruin us both. I didn't know how to give space or leave room for my partner to grow. I consumed, and a strong part of me wanted to devour Evie so there wasn't a fraction of her life separate from me.

If I'd been strong enough to give Callie space when she needed it maybe she wouldn't have swallowed a fist full of pills. I wasn't though. I was needy, and when she pulled away from me time after time it killed me a little until I pushed her away.

Evie was so young, she didn't deserve me swooping in and demanding all of her attention. She had already been through so much, and she should experience freedom without my overbearing demands stealing her time.

I should let her walk away from me, and I was certain that's what she was considering tonight while she was out with her friends. She'd see what it could be like to be young and free. I should let her go, but I doubted I'd be able to. Like I told her when we first met, I was a selfish bastard. I couldn't let her in, but I'd be damned if I could let her go either.

The shrill ring of my phone began again. Not for the first time I made a mental note to change my ring tone. Why had I chosen something so obnoxious? Glancing down at the screen I saw it was Jana calling me. I imagined they'd reached the drunk stage of the evening where the best friend slurred insults at me. Once again, I sent it to voice mail.

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