Page 66 of Life

Who the hell is Shelly Ann, and why is she so important she was brought up in the last words a brother had to say to his twin? From the sound of the letter, she was a woman they were both after. One that Eli ended up with. But where is she now? Was she part of the rift the night that Eli won’t talk about?

The irony is not lost on me. Here I am, sleeping with the twin brother. Though Eli didn’t win me per se, he definitely broke me down bit by bit and won me over. That’s when the stuff Tommy said about me rolls around like a ping-pong machine of destruction in my mind.

I want you to take care of her.

Tommy’s last request, the words he’d left behind for the one man he could trust, was to keep me safe. I close my eyes and let the tears fall. There’s no use in trying to avoid or hide them. It would be a disgrace to Tommy.

His last words, and the emphasis with which he made his requests known, bring me to my knees by the side of the bed.

Love her like I do, and I’ll be able to rest in peace.

There is no man on the planet I would trust with the woman of my dreams but you.

Maybe she can love you the way she couldn’t love me.

I’m giving you my blessing.

I break down and sob into the fluffy white comforter of the guest room, hoping it muffles the sound. Tears pour down my cheeks in rivers of sadness and grief.

“Why you, Tommy? Why did it have to be you to go after Danny?” I cry out, and my body heaves and lurches with each painful memory, wishing I could take it all back.

“I cared about you. And I did love you in my own way. You have to know that.” I focus on the ceiling, hoping Tommy is watching, listening to my plight.

“You were everything I should have wanted in a man. Everything I needed at the time. Thank you for being that for me. Making me feel cared for.” I sniff and pick at the blanket. “I’m sorry I never told you I loved you. Maybe our relationship wasn’t the rainbows and flowers type, but we mutually enjoyed one another. Made each other happy. Right?”

I drop my shoulders and head to the mattress. “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you all of me. I’m sorry we didn’t have a love that spans lifetimes. I wish I could go back and feel that way now. Feel everything you felt for me. I would try. For you, I would try.

“God, what am I saying? I’m lying even in my prayers. That just makes me a hypocrite.” I groan and wipe my nose on a crumpled-up tissue I’ve been holding in my hand like a talisman.

I take a few breaths, trying to figure out how to say what I need to say to him. “The truth is, I wouldn’t have wanted you to stay with me forever. I would have wanted you to find a woman who lost her breath every time you looked at her. A woman who wanted the two point five kids and the white picket fence you dreamed of. I was never going to be that girl.

“Thank you, Tommy, for saving me all those years ago. I’m not sure I ever fully thanked you for that. If it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t be here. And if it hadn’t been for you, neither would my soul sister, Gigi. Bree tells me to honor your sacrifice and I will find a way to do that. I swear it.”

“You’re doing it now, Spicy,” Eli’s voice booms from the doorway.

I glance up with what I know is a heavily tear-streaked face. He’s doing the usual Eli doorjamb lean, wearing a pair of jeans and a T-shirt that stretches tightly over his broad chest. His hair is a mess of layers poking this way and that, as though he’s been running his hands through it a million times. His eyes are downcast, sad, showing the same grief likely reflected in my own.

“How do you figure that?”

“By living your life. You read the letter. He wanted the best for you, always.”

More tears build behind the dam getting ready to trickle over. “I never told him I loved him,” I admit on a rushed whisper.

Eli tilts his head and focuses his mossy gaze on me. “Why?”

“Because I didn’t love him the same way he loved me. And I would never lie to him. I cared for him. Loved him definitely, but not the knife-to-the-heart, wind-siphoned-from-the-lungs, would-do-anything-for-him kind that a couple needs in order to last. The love I believe lasts forever.”

“Do you think he felt that way about you?”

I lick my lips, stand up, and then sit on the bed. “I think he believed he did. But it wasn’t real. Not like it is with y—” I turn my head quickly and push my hair out of my eyes, wiping at the tears. “Um, I mean…”

“No lies,” he states firmly. “Finish what you were going to say.” Eli strides into the room, stands in front of me and gets on his knees so I’m forced to look directly into his eyes. “Finish.”

“I can’t. It’s not right. It’s too soon.” My voice splinters with every breath.

He shakes his head viciously. “Maria, by God, woman, take a fucking chance. For once in your life, take a chance on someone.” He pounds his fist into his chest. “Take a chance on me.”

I swallow and try to speak, but my panic, dread, and despair are leading me toward the cowardly route.

---