Page 80 of The Dirty Saint

“So, did he go to the doctor,” Noah asks.

I nod.

“He did.”

“Then why didn’t they make him better?”

Tears are now spilling frommyeyes, which I hate. I don’t want my son to see me fall apart like this.

“I don’t know,” I whisper, getting choked up. “I wish I had the answers for you, sweet pea, but unfortunately I don’t.”

Noah drops his head, sobs racking his body. I hold him close to me, kissing the top of his head as he cries.

“It isn’t fair, Mom.”

“I know,” I murmur.

“IhateGod,” he says angrily.

I put my hands on the side of Noah’s face, looking him in his saddened eyes. “Why do you hate God, buddy?”

“Because he gets to have Dad, and I don’t.”

“Can I let you in on a little secret,” I ask.

He nods.

“You know what an angel is? Yeah? Well, guess what? Dad is an angel now, and his job is to guide you. In fact, Dad was with you the other day when you made it past all of the monkey bars without falling or slipping.”

Noah sits up. “How?”

“Because,” I answer. “He’s your angel. And he goes wherever you go. So even though he isn’tphysicallyhere, he isn’t gone completely.”

That seems to make Noah happy. He lays down, resting his head on my pillow. I do the same.

“Does that mean that Dad is always with you too?”

I grin.

“Oh, of course. I’d yell at him if he wasn’t.”

Noah giggles, and I kiss the tip of his nose.

“You can always come to me when you’re sad, bud. I willalwaysbe here.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Noah kisses me back. “I love you.”

I smile. “I love you too.”

* * *

That night, I dreamt of her.

I should’ve known my body was capable of such betrayal.

Anyway, Lana Pipperty was the girl who was brought in to traumatize me.

I remember the first time Joey and I met her. Fear lined the lids of her eyes. She barely spoke. She refused to look at us.

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