Page 48 of The Dirty Saint

“No. You can say it to my face. What’s wrong with what I’m doing?”

Aurelia and Briggs exchange a quick glance.

It’s like I’m invisible.

“I think you’re struggling. Deeply. And you need help.”

“Iamgetting help,” I say. “And in terms of my struggling, how else should I be?Fine?Should I be walking around all happy and grateful because I didn’t die? Would that be better?”

“Ezra—”

“The only thing I’m grateful for is that my son at least has a parent who will be around to watch him grow up,” I say. I then shake my head. “You just don’t get it. You don’t get what it’s like having survived when you know so many others haven’t.”

Sure, did some bad people not make out? Yeah. But I’ll bet there were innocent people who lost their lives at the hands of the same men who wanted mine.

Look, I don’t want to act like the victim. But when you start judging the way I choose to heal,that’swhen I have issues.

“I just don’t want to watch you kill yourself,” Aurelia whispers.

“Then you need to let me figure stuff out on my own.”

Once my sister leaves, Briggs stays to help me clean up dinner.

“You know Lia’s just trying to help you, right,” she says as she dries the plates.

I press the switch on my dish disposal and slam it shut.

“Of course I know that. But still, I’m sick and tired of her trying to parent me. I’ve been fine on my own all this time.”

Briggs rests her back against the counter, a flash of remembrance littered in the blues of her eyes. “When I was rescued from my situation, the last thing I wanted was for people to tell me how I should live. I had spent so long allowing others to dictate my decisions, and I simply couldn’t do it anymore.

“But that’s inevitable, especially in situations where people don’t know what to say or how to act.

“Look, Ez, I am not here to defend Aurelia. Believe me, she needs to back the fuck off. But she means well; I know she does. And she just wants you back.

“But what she doesn’t realize is that you’re already gone.”

I stop in my tracks, bracing myself on the corner of the island.

“Ez—”

She’s right. Everything she just said is true.

“I should have killed them all,” I let out. “I should have hurt them just as badly as they hurt me.”

Maybe then I’d know what it would be like to heal.

“Come here.” Briggs pulls me into her, and I lay my head on her shoulder.

“We’re gonna get through this,” she whispers to me.

I nod my head in understanding.

“We’re gonna be alright.”

I let out a sigh.

God, I hope so.

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