Page 38 of The Dirty Saint

“Yeah, baby,” I let out. “That’s where Dad went.”

Noah looks up at me, his eyes filled with tears.

“But I don’t want Dad to live in the sky with God.”

“I know, baby,” I whisper. “I don’t either.”

I look at my son, knowing that he’s so hurt.

I wish it wasn’t like this. I wish he didn’t have to feel all this pain.

And I wish more thananythingin this world that I can take it all away.

But I can’t.

“Well, sweetie, you and I know the truth. But, um,” I pause for a moment. “I think it’s best if you don’t tell your classmateshowDad died. I think it’s best to keep that as our little secret.”

Christian passed 4 years ago, and I just wasn’t ready then to tell Noah any specifics. In time, I will go into more detail.

I sit down at the table, dropping my head into my hands.

How could I have been so blind? How could I have missed the signs?

“Did you haveanyidea that he was feeling this way?” Beatrice asks.

I shake my head. “No. I mean, I knew that he was struggling a bit, but I—” I let a tear fall from my eyes. “I guess I just didn’t realize it was this bad.”

I have a lot of guilt when it comes to my husband’s death. I was his wife, and I should’ve known how he was feeling, but Ididn’t. I guess I was just so caught up in my own agony that I never even got a chance to witness his.

But for now, all my son needs to know is that Dad hurt himself because Dad was in pain.

As Noah places his head on my chest, I think back to the time I found out I was pregnant. It didn’t matter how young and scared I was; there was never a question as to whether or not this child would be mine.

Growing up, my home life was not ideal. Don’t get me wrong, I am incredibly close with my siblings, but I never really had aperson.Someone I could give my unconditional love to. When two lines popped up on that stick, I knew that God was sending me everything I had always wanted.

All I want to do is keep Noah safe. The world is a cruel place, and I’ve seen that firsthand and the thought of my son experiencing such brutality is sickening. I wouldn’t hesitate to drop bodies if it meant that he would be okay.

“Mom?”

“Yes, bud?”

“I love you.”

I look at Noah, who has a smile painted on his face.

“I love you too,” I whisper.

During

JOEY

I find myself in Rico’s bar, a sexy hot spot managed by a good friend of mine. Now, I’m not much of a drinker, but I need to escape my life, even if it is just for a minuscule sum of time. Get Killian out of my head. Get my father out of my head. Get Michael out of my head.

Get Ezra out of my head.

“Hey, Joe,” Rico says from behind the bar, “What can I get for you?”

“Scotch on the rocks,” I grumble. “Thanks.”

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