Page 1 of Bonded Beyond Regret

CHAPTER 1

SAMUEL

I pinch the bridge of my nose once the person on the other side of the line, who called me and not the other way around, identifies himself as Alpha Whitaker of the Silver Howler Pack. Don’t get me wrong, we have an alliance with Silver Howler, but I haven’t had a lot of interaction with Alpha Whitaker. It’s not usually a good thing when another Alpha reaches out to me.

It’s been almost a year since I went from Beta of Waning Moon to the Alpha. And my rise in ranking was a clusterfuck of epic proportions. I can’t say that I’m not happy to be in the position, because a part of me is, but I hadn’t been trained to be Alpha and running this pack at the top of the hierarchy was never part of my life plan.

An ache in my chest makes itself known and I find myselfrubbing there. It won’t alleviate the feeling, not even close, that is ever present. I’ve learned to live with it.

Considering I can’t go back and change anything and the death of my mate—her death at my hands—had to happen for so many reasons, I haven’t had any other choice but to find away to keep moving forward. As much as I ended up loathing Kathy at the end, she was my mate and there isn’t a day when I can escape her loss. I might not regret killing her and accept that it had to happen, but I’m constantly battling the loss I’ve experienced, the pain of having no future, and the feral edge of my wolf.

“Our mate was not a good she-wolf, we are better off without her,”my wolf grumbles. Then he immediately growls,“But miss mate.”

I can only try and comfort him because I understand what he means. He misses having a mate—the connection, the rightness, and the tingles—but he doesn’t miss Kathy. I don’t either.

She was cruel, cunning, and conniving. She wasn’t content being those things all on her own. She wanted to pull everyone into her sphere and infect them with her evil.

I shiver and force myself to focus when Alpha Whitaker clears his throat. I don’t even try to keep the curiosity out of my voice when I ask, “What can I do for you Alpha Whitaker?”

“If you don’t mind, can we drop the formalities?” His request has me sitting up a little straighter.

“That’s fine with me,” I admit.

Honestly, it’s a relief. Even though I’ve been Alpha for a year, and my wolf has taken to the role with ease, there is a part of me that is still getting used to the whole thing. When it comes to Alphas who were born for the role, I feel like I’m less of an Alphathan them. It’s made it more difficult for me to find my footing with them.

Going to the last Alpha meeting was…awkward. And not only for me. Dalton, my Beta, had never been to a meeting and didn’t have any training before he accepted the role. He’s done an amazing job and having someone at my side who has also been walking blind through the changes in the pack has been nice.

I have a feeling part of the reason Whitaker is willing to forgo the formalities is because he wants something from me. I appreciate that he’s not coming to me with demands. He could. Our alliance would allow it; the respect he’s giving me by not coming at me that way has my respect for the male growing.

“Good,” he breathes out. I can hear him shifting in his chair on the other end of the line. “I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but I met my mate at the last mating ball at Blood Rising.”

“I did. I’m sorry I missed seeing you there. I sent my Beta and some pack members, but wasn’t able to attend myself,” I admit, trying to keep my tone neutral.

The fact is that I haven’t been to a mating ball in years. I can’t bring myself to go, not after losing Kathy. Since I won’t get another mate, given that the Moon Goddess only blesses us with one mate, I didn’t see the point. I know one day I’ll be able to go and revel in my pack members finding the other half of their soul, but I’m not there yet.

It would be too painful at this point. My wolf lets out a huff of agreement and lays down in my mind. There are times when he tries to shield his sadness from me, but I still feel the echoes of it. Accepting that our mate needed to be held accountable for her actions before poisoning even more people, and living with the loss of our mate are two different things.

“No, I understand. It was,” he pauses like he’s trying to find the right words, “an interesting evening. But we’re now claimed, and Tilly will have her Luna ceremony soon. I’ll be extending an invitation to you, but that’s not why I called today.” I sit up straighter, feeling like the other foot is about to drop. “Before Tilly brought it to my attention, I had heard about the changes you’ve made at Waning Moon, and your dedication to creating a pack where all are welcome and to be a sanctuary to wolves in need of a fresh start, for whatever reason.”

“Yes,” the depth of that one word matches my dedication to what has become my cause.

I didn’t see, for far too long, the abuse the pack forced my sister to endure. The fact that I contributed to her pain, even though I didn’t want to and hated it, makes me sick. Knowing that she’s happy now, especially after giving birth to her first pup, Adam, helps. Still, it’s not enough.

I’m not sure if our relationship will ever fully recover, but I have hope.

And that hope is what has made me committed to ensuring Waning Moon is a haven for those who need it. For those who feel like outcasts in their birth pack. For those who have been rejected and need to heal. For those who have lost their mates and need to feel anything other than the loss. For those who have been abused and need to feel safe.

They can all come to Waning Moon. We will accept them. We will protect them.

“It hasn’t been easy,” I admit to Whitaker. “The first few months after I became the Alpha here, I had to weed through the members of the pack who loved the abuse my sister endured and never needed the former Alpha to command them to becruel. Those wolves have no place in this pack. Then we had to heal together and find a way to accept that we inflicted pain on someone who we should have protected and cared for.”

That part was especially hard as Serenity’s big brother. Our parents, the former Beta couple, also had a lot of guilt and self-hatred to try to get over. It’s a work in progress, even now. But as our relationships improve with Serenity, hopefully some of the guilt will soften.

Right now it’s barbed wire digging into my soul. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself entirely, but I’ll keep finding ways to live with our shared past and the horror we endured under the former Alpha’s leadership.

I clear my throat, not wanting to get lost in those thoughts. “That’s why we’ve opened up the pack to those who need a place to belong. All are welcome as long as they commit to the pack and do not harm their fellow pack members. Most of the wolves we’ve taken in have lost their mate or were rejected. There haven’t been many abused wolves seeking shelter,” I explain.

“It’s clear that you care about these wolves finding a place. I can hear it in your voice,” there’s pride laced in Whitaker’s tone. Considering how much I’ve questioned my place, it’s more than welcome. “We have a pack member named Nyx. Three years ago, her mate Andrew was killed in a rogue attack. She’s been struggling ever since. They found each other when they were both 18 and Nyx is now 29. Aisley is eight since Nyx got pregnant with her almost immediately. I’ve been keeping an eye on her, and I thought she was doing better, but recently Tilly came to me and let me know that her family is concerned. I think she might be hiding the majority of her pain.”

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