Page 58 of Ogres Don't Play

“No reason.”

“Liar. Tell me or I’ll tell Anna what you’re up to, and she’ll probably turn you into a raccoon.”

“Why a raccoon?”

“She hit one with her car recently, and feels guilty for its death. Tell me why.” She prodded me with her poky finger until I rolled my eyes.

“Rook is betrothed to a mountain troll for some kind of treaty.”

“So, if you defeat her, he’s free from the treaty?”

“No, the treaty would transfer to me.”

“Ah. So you’re trying to force the pretty ogre to marry you. Will he not give you instruments if you aren’t married?”

“He seems willing enough to give me anything I want without anything at all.”

She nodded, pursing her lips. “But he can’t give you himself as long as he’s tied to the troll. You can’t play halfway. Either he’s yours, or he’s not.”

I gestured at her. “Exactly!”

“Also, you have to be selective, or you’ll turn into one of those angel whores.”

I stared at her. “Angel whores?”

“You haven’t met a totally corrupt angel? You must have stuck pretty close to the HOSTs. They don’t allow corruption in their ranks. You know, everyone on earth is a mixture of light and dark, good and evil, so even the holiest creature can fall, and even the darkest infernal monster can rise. Trust me, I married one of the latter.”

“About that…How can you marry an infernal creature who doesn’t believe in marriage?”

“Your ogre doesn’t believe in marriage?”

I shrugged. “He thinks that we’re already mated, so marriage is just something he’s willing to play at to please my delusional angel.”

“Delusional angel? He didn’t say that to your face, did he?”

I grabbed a sushi roll and stuffed it in my mouth so I didn’t have to answer her.

“He did,” she crowed, shaking her head. “You’ll have to make him suffer for that. What would he hate most?”

“Me challenging the mountain troll. He doesn’t think I can beat her.”

“Can you?” she asked, then shoved two sushi rolls in her mouth.

That was a good question. “I don’t know. Can you tell me more about what I’d need to win?”

“Their hides are incredibly difficult to pierce, so if you had a holy relic that can burn through it, that would be ideal. The trouble is that even with a holy sword, you’d need to get a lot of hits in, without getting a scratch on you. You can’t withstand a blow from a creature like that, not a single one. Have you been training? How’s your footwork?”

I winced. “I haven’t trained for years, but I should still have muscle memory.”

“Yeah, no. That’s not going to work. Maybe if you had a year to train for it, and an armory of the angels, you might have a chance. I agree with your ogre. You can’t beat her.”

I scowled at her and picked up a sushi roll in my fingers. “You’re probably right, but the alternative is a troll/ogre war where thousands of ogres get eaten alive.”

“Literally. Or you can accept that you and ogre lover aren’t meant to be, and focus on your career.”

I nodded. That was the sensible route. “Or, I could just say that we’re mated, and that’s good enough.”

She shook her head no. “Not a chance. The second she hears that he’s happily settled down, she’ll come with her armies or whatever, and rip you apart.”

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