Page 87 of The One That Got Away

‘Yeah? Will you answer a question for me then?’ She leant forward and looked deep into my eyes.

‘Anything,’ I said quickly. Damn those eyes. I shouldn’t have left myself too open. But I couldn’t help it. I felt so comfortable around Stella and whenever her gaze was locked on me, I was putty in her hands. Right now, if she asked me to rob the Bank of Spain, I’d agree.

As Stella opened her mouth, I braced myself.

‘Why have you cut yourself off completely from football?’

Damn.

Stella’s question hit me like a punch in the gut. I sucked in a breath and my brain scrambled. I didn’t know what I thought she’d ask, but I wasn’t expectingthat.

My immediate thought was to shut down. To tell her I didn’t want to talk about it, like I always did whenever anyone tried to raise it. But Stella had some kind of magical power that made me feel like it was okay to open up and be honest.

After inhaling again, I tried to speak.

‘I…’ My voice shook. ‘I don’t… Watching people do what I used to. What I wanted to keep doing but couldn’t, it’s painful. I had it all. My whole career in front of me and then… It’s hard to watch someone living your dream knowing you’ll never make it happen.’

‘I get that,’ Stella rested her hand on mine, ‘but it seems like you’ve blocked outallmentions of football for years and I’m just wondering how well that’s worked for you?’ She paused. ‘Do you feel better, denying yourself?’

Good question.

‘Honestly? Not really. Still hurts.’

‘That’s what I thought.’ Stella paused again. ‘When we first went to the villa and we were talking about the TV, you said you don’t watch games any more. Have you really not seen or been to one since your injury?’

‘Nope.’ I shook my head.

‘Football is everywhere, so that must be exhausting. How do you avoid it on TV or online and in the newspapers?’

‘I don’t watch TV and I’m always working so I don’t have time to read newspapers.’

‘Colton used to love football too, didn’t he? Didn’t you ever want to go to a match with him?’

‘He asks me all the time,’ I sighed, ‘but I always say no.’

‘Have you ever tried?’

‘Once. Years ago. About a year after my injury. But when I arrived at the stadium, I started shaking. I couldn’t move. Colton had to take me back to his place. I was too embarrassed to go home.’

His mum said it was probably some kind of panic attack, but I wasn’t sure. All I knew was that it was better if I stayed away from football. Too many bad memories of that fateful day an ill-timed tackle resulted in my right leg being shattered in two places.

I hoped once it healed and if I kept up with the physio that I’d be able to play again, but nope. Even after seeing countless doctors and specialists, it was clear. My career was over.

‘That sounds awful. Did you ever see anyone? Obviously I know you had physiotherapy and stuff, but I mean like a therapist. To help mentally?’

‘Nah. I was still living with my parents at my gran’s and you know what my mum and dad were like. If I mentioned wanting to see a shrink, they would’ve laughed me out of the house.’

‘And now?’

‘Don’t know,’ I shrugged.

‘Might be worth thinking about seeing a therapist and trying to get your love for football back again. Of course it won’t be easy and it won’t be the same, but eventually I reckon you could find some joy from it again – in a different way. I mean, we’re in Spain and weren’t Real Madrid one of your favourite football teams?’

‘Yeah,’ I smiled. ‘I’d always hoped I’d play for them one day.’

‘Well, just because your old dreams didn’t happen, doesn’t mean you can’t make new ones.’

Of course Stella was right, but I’d never really thought about doing anything else.

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