Page 80 of The One That Got Away

Of all the things I expected Stella to say, it definitely wasn’tthat.

Of course, I knew plenty of women enjoyed having no-strings sex just like men did. I just didn’t know Stella was one of them. I guessed people changed. I hadn’t seen her for twelve years and we hadn’t really spoken about her relationship history.

Now I felt like a fucking idiot. Here I was worrying abouthow to let her down gently, when she had no interest in getting into a committed relationship with me in the first place.

‘So to answer your original question,’ Stella said, ‘yes, we can go back to being friends if that’s what you really want?’

‘Y-yeah,’ I stuttered. ‘Friends is good.’

Trying to keep things platonic with Stella was gonna be torture. There was nothing friendly about the fantasies that’d been racing through my mind about all the different ways I’d like to fuck her. But I had to push those desires out of my head. It’d only end in tears.

‘Great! Is there any more French toast?’ she said casually like we’d just been discussing the weather.

‘Um, yeah. I’ll get some.’

As I walked to the kitchen, a strange feeling of emptiness washed over me and I didn’t know why.

Stella had agreed we could go back to being friends. I’d been honest with her and said I couldn’t commit and she’d told me it didn’t matter because what we had was just sex anyway.

We’d cleared the air. Clarified things. We’d reached an agreement without any arguments.

I’d had sex with no strings.

I’d got what I’d wanted.

So why did I feel so disappointed?

34

STELLA

I climbed out of our private pool, reached for the towel, sat on the sun lounger and started drying my skin.

There was no sign of Max in the living room. Once he’d wolfed down his breakfast, he’d said he had to do something and left.

I knew Max wasn’t expecting me to say I wasn’t bothered about him not being able to commit to something long term. I’d caught him completely off guard. And I wasn’t surprised.

A week ago, if someone told me I would’ve been so casual about sleeping with a guy (especially Max), I wouldn’t have believed them. But now that I had, I felt kind of strong. Powerful. Like a woman who knew what she wanted and went for it.

More often than not, it was men who called the shots. And yeah, I kind of waited for Max to make the first move, but I was also clear about the fact that I wanted him.

What I’d said to Max was true. I was horny. My vibrator wasn’t charged and I knew he’d be good in bed. I had an opportunity to solve my sexual frustration so I grabbed it with both hands.

The thing I said about not every woman wanting to settle down and make babies was also true.

Full disclosure: yes, I did want that at some point, but when we were on that massage bed, I wasn’t thinking about living happily ever after. I was caught up in the heat of the moment and wasn’t thinking any further ahead than getting some good old satisfaction.

Right now, playing happy families with Max wasn’t what I wanted. We both had bigger priorities. Max said he needed to focus on his company and I had aspirations too. I wanted a career I loved and I needed to find my own place. Once I had that,thenI could consider finding someone.

I knew Mum was hoping I’d come here and find the love of my life. And I admit, once I’d got my head around coming here, part of me also wished for that too, but seeing as it wasn’t on the cards, there was no point dwelling on it. Mum also wanted me to enjoy myself and live my life, which was exactly what I was doing. And it felt good.

The last thing I needed was to repeat my past mistakes by making Max the centre of my universe, wasting my days dreaming of us falling in love and having a relationship, only to end up devastated all over again.

When I got back to London, I didn’t want to be sitting by the phone wondering if he’d call or trying to decode what his text messages meant. That was why I’d agreed to us being friends.

It was better that way. Safer.

Was it going to be difficult to keep my hands off Max? Definitely. If I had my way, I’d ask him if he wanted to pick up where we left off in the early hours of this morning. But that wasn’t a good idea.

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