Page 113 of The One That Got Away

I loved Max.

I didn’t know if I’d ever stopped loving him.

Love wasn’t like a tap you could just turn on and off. Real,deep love was like an endless river that flowed through peaks and valleys with no end.

I realised that my love for him had been dormant, but it’d never gone away completely. It was like my heart was always waiting for that moment that we’d see each other again.

And that was when I also realised that no matter what, as soon as Max was back from his travels, I’d go and see him. It was time to break down my walls. Let him in. I didn’t want to be tough Stella. I wanted to be vulnerable, honest Stella. The woman he helped in the pool when her top flew off. The version of me that accepted his help when I was terrified of walking on that scary pathway.

At least if I told him how I felt instead of trying to pretend I didn’t care, then I’d know that I did everything I could. I wouldn’t have any regrets. Hopefully his feelings would’ve changed and he’d be willing to give us a go, but if not, I’d have proper closure and wouldn’t have to wonderwhat if. I could move on properly with my life.

Once I’d come to terms with the fact that there was nothing I could do for the next two months, I threw myself into my work.

Marjorie said she was happy to work every afternoon which meant that once I’d gone through the emails in the morning and passed the orders to Mum, I could spend all afternoon and evening on my own venture.

There was so much to do, but I’d made a start on a business plan, drawn up a list of potential clients to contact and messaged some old colleagues to see if they’d heard about any design opportunities.

I’d also created a logo for my company:Stellar Designs. Next week I’d work on the website.

And I planned to look into taking a trip abroad.

Going to Spain had reminded me that there was a whole world out there to explore.

As much as I wanted to be with Max, I couldn’t just wait around for two months. I’d wasted too much of my time sitting at home doing nothing. I didn’t want to just exist any more. Now I wanted to keep living and enjoying life. Just like I’d done at The Love Hotel.

I didn’t know yet whether or not I’d go on a solo trip or I’d invite Sammie, but I’d start by organising a weekend break.

I pulled out my desk drawer to get my passport. If I kept it out in full view, it’d motivate me every time I saw it.

That was odd. I continued rooting around the drawer but couldn’t see it.

After jumping up from my desk, I went to the kitchen where Mum was working.

‘Have you seen my passport?’

‘Your passport?’ she frowned. ‘Why?’

‘I thought it was in my desk drawer but I can’t find it.’

‘Maybe you left it in your suitcase. Do you have any plans for tomorrow?’

‘Don’t think so. I’ll probably just keep working on my company stuff. You?’

‘I was thinking of going for a walk near Kew Gardens. Want to join me?’

‘Okay.’ At least it’d get me out of the house.

Until then, I’d keep busy with my work.

Before I knew it, it was almost midnight. After I’d been to the bathroom, I climbed into bed.

I started tossing and turning. It’d been like this ever since I’d returned from Spain. I think the first night was an anomaly. I must’ve been so mentally exhausted I knocked out. But since then, I found it so hard to sleep.

I missed Max beside me.

I missed snuggling up in his arms.

I missed laying my head on his chest.

---