Page 159 of Choose the Bears

“But co-sleeping can result in kids being suffocated.” I started to rise up off the couch, conscious I had an audience now. My mates appeared out of the woodwork, Thorn wearing what looked like a frilly apron as he held a feather duster.

“Many cultures have practised co-sleeping safely for years, but if it's not something you feel comfortable with, you shouldn’t,” Meryl replied, tucking Sven in on the other side. “But my sons, your mates, can be the ones to bring the children to you, then return them to their cribs.”

I snorted, barely able to suppress my reaction. What, like some kind of queen bee, her babies ferried to and fro, but before I could say anything, the sharp cries of the kids stopped me. They were what mattered, not anything else.

If you’d asked me would I be comfortable getting my tits out in front of my in-laws before childbirth, I would’ve told you absolutely not. That all changed after the hospital. Being more naked than I’d ever been before in front of a bunch of strangers, having doctors and nurses check my cervix, having people help me find a position that made me feel comfortable, made modesty a luxury I couldn’t afford. So right now everyone was going to have to work out what they were OK with seeing, because the children needed feeding. T-shirt pulled up with the bra cup pushed to the side, I drew the kids closer, and Meryl came with them.

“If you’re OK with it, I could give you some tips?”

No, I wanted to snap, even though the woman was perfectly lovely, but being a beginner after months of being a mother was not where I wanted to be. Frankly, I envied her calm, her assurance, as she shifted the kids into position, but as soon as she did, I felt it. Rather than holding myself rigid and not daring to move, but also keeping my breathing soft and even, lest I choke off my supply through stress, I just… sank back into the cushions with the kids coming with me. As if it was the mostnatural thing in the world, the babies were tucked into my body and able to feed as every muscle went lax.

“Water.” Thorn appeared with a drink bottle and put it on the table. “You need to stay hydrated. Food!”

“I have a couple of stews on the stove,” Meryl said, patting his arm with a smile, “but… I think you can just sit here for a second while the rest of us dish the food up. Enjoy this moment.”

People had been telling me this since the moment the children were born, but now was the first time I really felt like I could. I exhaled and something else seemed to come with it. A massive, snarly thread of emotion that was cutting me deep, binding me up, but it couldn’t exist when they were here because all of my assumptions were exploded.

I thought my mothers-in-law would judge me for not having it together more. I thought my mates would be worried, question who the hell they’d tied themselves to if I didn’t have it all together. I expected Holly to shoot me a sidelong look full of disgust, even though she’d never done a thing like that before. Everything was screwed up. No, I was screwed up, but every paranoid thought was disproved as they just watched and waited, sitting in the moment with me. Finally, the kids pulled free and Lars and Alaric swept in.

“How’s my baby boy?” Lars asked Sven.

Our son just blinked back owlishly, then made a sound of protest. “I know, mate. I know. Every moment I have to spend away from your mother kills me too, but we find a way. We always find a way.” A distinctive stink filled the air as the little baby grunted and Lars just chuckled. “Yeah, sometimes like that. C’mon, you little stinker. Time to get you cleaned up.”

A bottle of water was handed to me as a blanket was pulled over my legs. The sage-green plush one that had me snuggling down into the couch. I sucked down at least half a bottle under Thorn’s watchful eye before settling back down on thecouch. Ingrid switched the TV on again, but I didn’t really see it, and perhaps that was the point. The shrill voices were just counterpoints to this. Exhaustion of the sort that took my breath away rose up and claimed me. It was a monster that would no longer be denied, and honestly, I didn’t want to. I sucked in one slow breath, then another and then fell asleep.

Chapter 84

Thorn

“Perhaps we should turn the TV off,” I said, my hands forming fists at the bullshit playing on the TV. Conscious effort allowed me to release them again. “Nat and the babies need peace and quiet.”

“And where will they get that?” Ingrid was always so damn blunt, and she just stared at me with a sardonic smile. “Nowhere, that’s where.”

“Ingrid—” Mum cautioned.

“Look, life is noisy and messy and is that woman yelling at the other woman because she slept with her husband?” Ingrid asked, peering at the TV.

“So, so many husbands…” Holly mumbled, munching another handful of popcorn. “But Ingrid’s right. Mum used to play top 40 radio at full volume when we were kids. I thought Guns and Roses were kid show hosts.” She shrugged. “You can’t keep the world quiet, so you get the kids used to sleep despite it.”

But I wanted to. Some deep need in me was sure I could cordon off the street, redirect all of our mail to a mail box, shut the entire world out, if that’s what it took to keep Nat sleeping, sowhen she snorted and then shifted on the couch, I shot the lot of them an accusing look.

“Sit with her,” Ingrid said, handing me the TV remote. “Your presence will be more soothing than mine. Watch the damn cricket or something.”

“Ew, no.” Holly wrinkled her nose. “If you’re gonna do that, I’ll go and polish the doorknobs or something.”

I wasn’t sure how it happened, when it happened, but everyone else faded away, just leaving me and her. I sank down onto the couch and stared at the woman I loved.

I neededNat to know how well she was doing. Everything Mum had told me made clear how tough twin babies could be. My mate got up every day, every hour, making sure to meet our children’s every need. Restoring old slate roof tiles or stripping newel posts of their lacquer was nothing on this.

And I wouldn’t do any of that until we were out of the woods. Honestly if I didn’t pick up another tool for a couple of years, I wouldn’t miss it.

Not like I would Nat.

Post natal depression and anxiety. It felt like I knew the signs and symptoms of the conditions by heart. I’d read up about them before hand, wanting to make sure Nat never suffered in silence and yet here we were. My love slept like she’d passed out unconscious, barely moving, my eyes tracing the rise and fall of her chest, reassuring me she was still breathing.

When Natalie woke up, the children would need her again and again, because that’s what children do. They didn’t understand that their mother was on the edge, fraying to pieces. The kids were just tiny little beings trying to survive and Nat had to meet all of their needs.

So we needed to meet all of hers.

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