Page 15 of Choose the Bears

Because what would happen if I let go?

This, I realised, was the real reason that kept me from leaving for all that time. The pain of the unknown for far too long had been greater than the shitty state of familiarity I lived with, and so I’d stayed until I just couldn’t anymore. I clung to that idea just as much as I did poor Lucas. He seemed to be coping just fine as he reached down, collecting me up in his arms and carrying me to the couch before sitting us both down.

“It’s OK. Everything’s going to be OK.”

Right then he had me believing it would be, because rather than that terrible emptiness, it was filled with him. He was so bigI felt tiny, despite being reasonably tall. That animal satisfaction that came from having my hair stroked, being pressed against his chest, being held as my emotional storm raged and through the aftermath. But everything good came to an end, so I pulled back and stared into his eyes, ready to thank him.

He was so hot. The shaggy hair tried to obscure his face, but as he stared back, I saw it. Sharp cheekbones, broad jaw, there was no mistaking how attractive he was and that feeling was odd. I hadn’t had sex in months. The last time was the night I realised I had to leave. Mike wheedled, complained, bitched, and openly sulked about it, but it was one thing I could stand firm on because every time he touched me, my skin crawled with the need to knock his hand away.

But not Lucas.

He was unfamiliar, but that was alluring and had me drawing closer. I must’ve looked a right mess, with my hair all tangled and tears drying on my cheeks, but if that’s what he was thinking, I couldn’t see it. Instead he looked… fascinated. That seemed to be the only word for it, his focus unwavering as he studied me closer. I watched him take in my hair, my eyes, my face, just as I had him, then drop down to stare at my mouth and not move. The pupils expanded rapidly as my tongue flicked out and across my lips.

I wanted to kiss him.

Where the fuck did that impulse come from? Vaguely thoughts of trauma bonding and escapism rose, but I shoved them away. Rationality was just as undesirable as the weirdness of being in this place. Feeling desire for anything other than escape was a welcome thing, like parts of me were coming back online, and perhaps that’s why I darted closer. His eyes turned from pale brown to molten gold, a strange heat there that was a twin of my own, making me feel bolder. I moved slowly,deliberately, choosing to do this, to kiss a kind stranger, to feel again, but right as I got close he cleared his throat awkwardly.

“We can’t.”

Fuck. I went to jerk away, my cheeks flushing hot as I realised what I’d done. Lucas was just being kind and I… I’d misread the signs. He was just trying to rescue a damsel in distress and I?—

“No.” His voice was much firmer now, a little growling edge to it, and when I wouldn’t look at him, he tilted my face his way. “I want to. Fuck, how I want to.”

How long had it been since a man talked like that about me, as if it took everything in him to hold back? I shifted in his lap then, feeling the evidence of his words. My eyes dropped down and when I looked back, it was his turn to look embarrassed. “I really, really want to kiss you, Imogen, but…”

He was going to be sensible, smart, and the same shitty impulses that had me going out with Mike rose, ready to derail that. Lucas was hard. An experimental shift of my hips made that clear, and that had his hands slapping down to stop me. I could persuade him. I could move forward, silence his protests with a kiss, and then he’d pick me up again, lay me down on the bed Kyle had helped me make and…

I’d be right back where I was.

Like a bucket of cold water dropped over my head, I saw it. Recklessly jumping into something new, even for one night, with a guy I barely knew? That shit was what got me here in the first place. I pulled backwards then, my teeth worrying my bottom lip as I met his eyes.

“I’m sorry?—”

“Don’t be.” I didn’t know who Lucas was, but right now he shot me such a sweet smile, I wanted to. “Seriously, don’t apologise for any of it. I wanted…” A little laugh and I was smiling too, unable to stop myself. The muscles felt sore, unused to movement, but I was glad to be using them again.

“I wanted to do a whole bloody lot, but…” When he stared at me then, I felt safe, and how the hell was that possible? “It’s not smart. You’re hurting and vulnerable and any bloke that takes advantage of that right now doesn’t have your best interests at heart.”

He was saying words but I was struggling to decipher them, staring until they sunk in.

“Thank you.” That felt painfully awkward to say, but so was all of this. “Thank you for…” My hands rose and fell as I struggled to put everything into words. “I thought I’d be relieved, ecstatic to be out of that place, and I am.”

“But its also really weird and everything feels different, and that’s a lot to take when you’re feeling raw.”

Whichever god was on duty tonight, he or she was looking out for me, because they sent me the one guy who seemed equipped to deal with this shit.

“Yeah. That.”

“So I came upstairs to check in, wondering if that was an issue.” He peered up at me. “Did you want me to stay? Not in any sexual or romantic capacity, but… as a friend.”

“Do friends sleep in the same bed?” I asked in a small voice, unable to believe I was asking that.

I watched the rhythmic bob of his Adam’s apple.

“With their clothes on they do.”

The walls didn’t feel sobare, not when I could trace the fall of moonlight across them. The room was unable to feel empty with him in it, so when we laid down on the bed, I found myself relaxing into the bumpy mattress.

Into him.

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