Page 149 of Choose the Bears

“Well, whatever job you’ve got on, you need to have had enough sleep to be safe on the work site.” My voice started to waver. “I can’t have anything happen to you.” I stared past him to the bed. “To any of you. Go, sleep.”

I knew exactly how badly lack of sleep could affect tradespeople. Sleep deprivation was akin to being drunk after a certain point, your reaction time and focus shattered. They couldn’t safely wield power tools or do their job, and other firms would sweep in and start taking the company’s work from them. We needed to stay competitive, stay on people’s lips when they thought about restoration work.

But if sleep deprivation was that bad for you, what did that mean for me?

I’d spent so long wanting to have children, and now…? Now I wondered at the insanity of it. I couldn’t do this, I told myself, over and over as the babies fed, even though every day proved me otherwise. Couldn’t infer there was some sort of choice in the matter, whereas I had to cope. I had to collect up my children when they were done feeding, at the same time for once. I had to hold them close, smell that special scent that only my kids seemed to have. I had to feel their tiny little bodies pressed against mine and know with my entire heart that I would do anything, literally anything, to protect them. If that meant going without sleep for a bit, then that’s what I’d do.

Calm returned.

Burp the babies, change their nappies, get them snuggled back into the wraps they slept in, because it was the only thing that stopped their arms from waving around wildly, and then settle them back down.

Oh, and love them. With my whole heart, I gazed down at the two of them, nestled in against each other in the crib. In the womb, in the world, they were tied tightly by a bond I didn’t understand, but I’d make sure they could enjoy it. Safe, secure, warm, and with full bellies, their little eyelashes fluttered against their cheeks as their eyes closed. I hushed and hushed them–the sound apparently like the sound of my heart, the nurse had informed me–over and over until they finally dropped off to sleep.

Chapter 76

Koda

“Nat’s going to break soon.”

My twin, Thorn, looked up from where he was making the morning coffees, the muscle in his jaw tightening.

“I know, but she won’t fucking let us help.”

“She’s worried about the business,” I replied.

“About the business, about our sleep, about the babies, about everything but herself.” He raked his hand through his hair, then winced at the knots. Self-care had taken a backseat since the birth of the kids. “How many times did the babies wake up last night? Three, four?—?”

“Six.” Alaric walked in looking perfectly pressed. He’d already showered and got dressed, his wet hair neatly combed back from his face. “At least I think it was six. I admit I lost count after a while.”

“Is this what Mum went through with us? Because fuck…” Thorn shook his head. “She needs something way better than breakfast in bed for Mother’s Day. Like roses. No, a whole rosebush. A garden replanted with her favourite roses.”

“Or just help when she needs it.”

Lars walked in and yawned so hard his jaw cracked, then went over and grabbed a coffee.

“Thank you, Thorn,” my brother said in a mocking tone.

“Thanks, fuckface,” Lars replied before drinking deeply from the cup. “So, it's time now? We’re staging an intervention for Natalie?”

As if in response to that, we heard a wail from upstairs. That was quickly joined by our other son, the two of them engaged somehow in a screaming contest to get Nat’s attention, when all they needed to do was let out a little peep. One heavy footfall, then another had us all converging by the stairs, then racing up to find the one woman we loved staggering towards the crib.

It couldn’t keep going like this. Nat couldn’t keep going like this. I watched her hopelessly from the doorway, seeing the way she moved. She looked more like a zombie than a mother right now. I rushed forward, collecting up Sven, and Thorn grabbed Kai, both of us holding them closely, which had everyone remembering why we did this to ourselves.

They were perfect. From the moment the twins were born to now, they were just the most beautiful kids in the whole world. Sven’s blue eyes met mine, and for just a second, I imagined something was going on there. I smiled down at him, giving him one of my fingers to play with, but when he shoved it in his mouth and sucked, it was quickly discarded with a wail. I didn’t have what he needed. That fucking killed me because the only one who did was Nat, and she was completely tapped out.

She collapsed into the nursing chair, Alaric forced to rush forward and set the nursing pillow around her. We moved forward with the children as she tugged her shirt up. I’d fantasised, sexualised, and stared at her breasts for far too long, but right now they just looked swollen and angry. I jerked my eyes away as soon as the nipples began to leak. We helped herget the babies into the right position, and then the satisfied little grunts of them feeding filled the air.

Almost masking the sound of her crying.

Dry sobs, with no tears, I’m not even sure she knew she was doing it, but her whole body quivered as they racked her. She was forced to suck in long, shuddering breaths, and that’s what drew me closer. Nat didn’t like us interfering when she was feeding. The babies could be incredibly fickle for little people that needed to eat every couple of hours.

That was the moment when everything changed for me.

Natalie was my wife, my love, my fated mate. There was no one else I loved more than her, not even our children. I cared for them so deeply it terrified me, but she was the other half of my soul, and right now hers was slowly disintegrating. She wanted to have it all together, to be the one who did the lion’s share of the baby raising, but it was apparent this wasn’t possible. She was the strongest person I knew, and if she was breaking, then shit was getting real. I glanced at the others and we all moved.

Lars grabbed a pillow and put it gently behind her head and Natalie looked up at him in both alarm and gratitude. Thorn and I moved in to take the kids the minute they were finished feeding, whisking them away despite her sounds of protest. Onto the changing tables we both went to work, taking off their nappies and cleaning them up, then getting them back into their wraps.

We both started to perform that strange little dance, part jiggle, part shushing, part rocking, trying to imitate the way it felt when they were tucked up inside my fated mate, close to her heart. The sound of her blood through her veins, her rocking movements, we needed to replicate it to get them back to sleep. Sven fought it, wriggling and making an angry sound and that got Kai perking up, but they couldn’t resist the pull. The rhythmic motions had them settling, and that’s when Alaricswept in. He picked up Nat like a groom carrying his bride over the threshold, and in some ways that was, but it was away from the marital bed, not towards it. He kicked open the door and then carried her down the hall.

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