Page 76 of For Eva

Wait, what?

My heart lurched along with the train, which came to a stop. I stared out the window, my cheeks growing warm and my breath picking up as my body swayed in different directions each time a person pushed past me.

What did he say?

As the new crowd of commuters settled into their spots and the train pulled away once again, I pushed the rewind button, then play.

“Sitting on the rooftop

A long late night talk

Wondering if I’m falling for her

Wondering if I should walk

’Cause she’s not mine to love”

I rewound the cassette three more times to make sure I’d heard the lyrics correctly.

Was there another girl he sat on a rooftop with? Surely, there was. All those girls on the tour…there were so many of them. And he didn’t mention any specifics…no Chinese food, no talking about our families. It has to be someone else. It has to be.

I clicked the stop button and spent the rest of the ride home listening through my headphones to the muffled ramble of the train on its tracks. My eyes and nose prickled with that familiar sting. The one that happened when you felt like you might cry but weren’t quite sure. Because Iwasn’tquite sure. I wasn’t sureif the song was about me. I wasn’t sure if Iwantedit to be about me.

One thing I did know was that I would never ask. Because that part of my life was over. And I couldn’t go back. I could never, ever go back.

THIRTY-EIGHT

October - November 1990

October 15, 1990

Eva,

Holy shit. Holy, HOLY shit. Keith just called and told me when the Billboard Charts are released tomorrow, my first single is gonna break the top ten. I’ve been trying to get in touch with you, but guess you’re swamped with work, so I had to sit down and write you because I can’t fucking believe it. I never thought I could do this on my own. Hell, I didn’t even think I could stay sober. But it’s happening. How is this fucking real?

We’re putting together a tour to start next year, and I’m sure Chicago will be a stop. As soon as I get the dates, I’ll let you know. Tickets, backstage passes for you, your friends…whatever you want. Or I don’t know…maybe I can come visit before then? Beg you in person to move back to LA and work for Keith? You know he’d take you back in a fucking heartbeat. He asks about you all the time. You can live in his guest house since I've finally settled into my new apartment. Or if you don’t feel like water gun fights with a four year old, I’ve got an extra room.

Anyway, speaking of Keith, he wants to take me and the guys in the band out to dinner to celebrate, so gotta run. Let’s talk soon—I miss hearing your voice.

Love,

Eric

PS—What do you think of the album?

PPS—Are you getting my messages on your machine? Starting to get paranoid—ha ha. :)

October 24, 1990

Eric,

Yes, I’ve gotten your messages, and I’m so sorry I haven’t called you back! We have this huge project going on at work. But I wanted to sit down and write while I have a minute to breathe. I AM SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU!!! I know I suck as a friend lately, but I’m totally losing track of time. I got promoted, which is great, except it means there’s more shit to do, so maybe I should come back to work for Keith (ha ha). Sometimes I wish I could, honestly, but there’s just too much…well, you know what I mean. Please tell him I said hello, though!

I will try to call next weekend. I know I’m gonna have lots of late nights at the office this coming week.

Eva

PS—Did I mention the album is AMAZING? :)

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