Page 122 of For Eva

I cleared my throat in an attempt to speak, but ended up sputtering words even I couldn’t make sense of as tears cascaded over my lids once again. She reached for me, and I collapsed into her, my head resting on her shoulder as she stroked the back of my hair.

“I fucked up, Denise,” I finally managed. “I fucked up so bad.”

“No, babe, you didn’t fuck up.”

“I did. It was so stupid not to tell him how I felt when I had the chance.” I lifted my head, and Denise’s hands slid to my cheeks. “I waited too long, and nowthis.”

She wiped at my tears with her thumbs. “Maybe this isn’t what we think. Maybe it’s not serious. Like, if he sees you and you tell him how you feel, that girl won’t matter anymore.Ifshe even mattersnow.”

“He was holding her hand, Denise. And the way he was hugging her…You don’t hug people like that who don’t matter to you. You don’t drive to Venice fucking Beach to eat fish tacos with people who don’t matter to you.”

My phone pinged from my purse. “Shit. What if that’s him?”

She nodded toward my bag, and I sighed and pulled my cell from it.

Eric:Did you make it to Denise’s?

“He wants to know if I made it here. Oh God, Denise. What do I say? What do Ido? I can’t go to dinner with him. I just can’t.”

Sobs racked my body once again, and I buried my face in my hands.

“It’s okay, babe,” she assured me. “We’ll figure it out. Maybe you can tell him you’re not feeling well. See if he can go tomorrow night after you’ve had time to—”

“I can’t, Denise.”

“Hey, Eva, look at me.” Denise squeezed my knee. “You don’t have to see him. We can figure something out. But I think you should. And I think you should still tell him how you feel.”

“Andhumiliatemyself?”

“It’s not humiliating. It’sbrave. You cut him out of your life nineteen years ago because you were afraid. I don’t want you to do that again and live with regret for the next nineteen.”

Her words settled into my brain, where a picture of my future formed. I was alone, or maybe not, but always wonderingwhat-if. The pain that gripped my heart thinking about it was almost worse than the pain of seeing him with the girl in the magazine. And even if he did tell me it was too late for us, did I want to lose him as a friend? A friend who encouraged me and believed in me. A friend who saw amazing things in me when I couldn’t see them myself.

A friend whom I’d lost once before and been lucky enough to find again.

No. He was too important to me. Much too important.

But I couldn’t tell him at dinner. Not in public.

“What are you thinking, babe?” Denise asked.

“You’re right…I have to go see him,” I answered, slowly nodding my head. “I have to see him now. Before I lose my nerve.”

“Really?”

I ran my hands along my cheeks and sucked in a deep breath. “Really.”

“Do you have his address?”

I nodded.

Denise’s eyes glittered with hope as they met mine. “I’ll get you my car keys.”

No what-ifs, Eva. No what-ifs.

The words played on a loop in my head as I turned off the PCH and headed toward Point Dume. Eric’s house was barely a mile off the highway, and I slowed as several gated entrances came into view, waiting for the GPS to tell me I’d reached my destination.

I pulled the car into his driveway lined with tall toyon shrubs, then flipped down the visor, lamenting my red puffy eyes. I’d quickly splashed water on my face at Denise’s but didn’t reapply my makeup. The longer I waited to get in the car, the more time I’d have to talk myself out of seeing him.

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