Page 133 of Seduce Me in Shadow

Words can’t express how much, but saying that to Lucan will only make him feel guiltier. “It’s no problem.”

He scoffs. “I appreciate the kind lie. It’s good to see you. Are you happy in the States? You loved home so much when you were little.”

Lucan isn’t wrong. I remember the wonderful days before Westin’s death. A lifetime ago, really. I haven’t thought of those happy times in decades, romping with my father and younger brother in the fields, playing magical hero, my mother vowing that would be my future.

Now that’s all gone. Westin barely knew life before death stole him away. My parents’ health took a nosedive after that. They never recovered.

And I’m entirely to blame.

“The States are home now.”

“You’ll be going back, then?” Lucan scowls.

Not until I’m certain Lucan is all right. Not until I find some way to protect Sydney from danger. “Eventually.”

Lucan sighs. “I see you transitioned. Recently?”

I nod. “Last week. Terrible stuff.”

My brother takes another long swallow. “You have a strong signature. Powerful magic. Have you used it yet?”

“Not much.” I can’t meet Lucan’s eyes. My brother chose a life of magic, and I wonder if he’ll ever understand my decision. “I’d rather not. Magic brings nothing but destruction and heartache?—”

“And days filled with endless possibilities. Westin’s death wasn’t your fault. Or Mum’s.”

I look at him with burning eyes. “You’re wrong. Westin should never have died. I should have taken him elsewhere to play. I shouldn’t have used magic I barely knew. Then Mum’s spell?—”

“In both the human and magical world, accidents happen.”

“Magickilledhim. It took Anka from you, too, through no fault of your own.”

Peering down into the bottle, Lucan hesitates. “No, I’m to blame.”

“Don’t take on Mathias’s guilt. You couldn’t be with Anka all day, every day. You did your best to protect?—”

“My best wasn’t enough. Mathias took her and I did nothing to save her.”

“Damn magic threw you into mate mourning. If not for that?—”

“I still would have been out of my mind with worry. The truth is, I failed to consider that Mathias might target her when I joined the Doomsday Brethren. Now I’m reaping what I’ve sown.”

I want to reassure Lucan that he couldn’t have known, but the first rule of combat is to expect the unexpected.

“I haven’t a clue what will happen,” Lucan goes on. “I don’t want to give up on Anka, and the fact that she hasn’t accepted Shock’s Call gives me hope. But not only didn’t I protect her when I should have, I nearly killed her today. Why the bloody hell would she ever forgive me?”

Lucan still loves her, and I’m profoundly sad for him.

He scrubs at his face with a tired hand. “Who gave me energy while I was out of my mind?”

“We hired surrogates. Do you recall?”

“I vaguely remember women who smelled terrible. I remember the overwhelming fury. I saw nothing and heard very little. But smell guided me. Then I remember a woman who smelled much like Anka…at first. But the last time she came to me, I swore I scented Sabelle.” Lucan winces. “Tell me I didn’t use my best friend’s sister.”

“I’m sorry.” I can only apologize. Lying would do no good.

Lucan curses. “I owe her an apology for my rough behavior. And a great deal of gratitude. She’s an amazing woman.”

I can’t argue that. “Indeed.”

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