Page 69 of Love You Too

“Oh.”

I shake my head. “It’s just that I think we need to talk.”

His head drops to his chest. I hate being the one to make his sparkle fade. “I know. I’ve been a shit. I’m sorry I’ve been absent. The team needed my focus, but I fucked up. I know that’s not?—”

“Stop. I get that hockey is important. And maybe it’s good that you’ve been out of touch because it’s given me some time to think.”

I drop onto one of the benches outside the restaurant and inhale the heady scent of rosemary growing all around the building. It’s always calmed me, and right now, I need that.

“I love your mind, Trix, but I’m worried about what it’s been thinking. This doesn’t sound good, honey.”

The nickname is like warm chocolate, and I want it to drown the ache in my heart, but I try to keep my focus. “Ren, I’m struggling with how to feel about you, and we haven’t even had the baby yet. When you ghost me like you have for the past few days, my mind goes straight to how you dumped me before. I know it’s probably not fair, but I can’t help it.”

“That’s not…” He shakes his head. “It’s completely fair. And I’m sorry. I would never do that to you—or the baby.”

“Exactly. Because you’re a good guy. Because you follow through on commitments. But that doesn’t make us a couple. It doesn’t make it easy to go days without hearing from you. I think that in the whirlwind of emotions and intense feelings I have when I’m with you, I haven’t been thinking clearly. And I need clarity.”

“You hate the gray area. I know. But this isn’t gray to me. I want to be in this with you.”

I shake my head. “You’re here for the baby, and that’s already alot to ask. I know you have guilt about leaving ten years ago, but I’ve basically hijacked your life. Barely hearing from you for the past two weeks was a wakeup call. I need to stop fantasizing about something that’s probably not realistic and give you your life back.” I’ve been wringing my hands, but I force them to still and drop them into my lap. I do my best to remain cool and calm on the surface, even if I’m crumbling underneath. Even if my heart feels like it’s breaking all over again.

“I’m not asking for that.” He kneels in front of me and takes my hand from my lap. “When have I asked for that?”

“Maybe not in words, but ghosting me to focus on the team kind of conveys the same thing, don’t you think? We’re a co-parenting team, and I’m counting on you for that. I’m grateful for it. But letting my heart hang in the wind is too hard for me, worrying that you’ll want me one day and leave the next. I’m still a distraction for you, just like I was ten years ago.”

He closes his eyes, and my heart aches for this man who wants to do the right thing. When his eyes open, they flash with intensity.

“Iwantto be distracted by you. I always have.”

It’s almost enough to make me cave. I want to be with him so badly that I nearly wrap my arms around his neck and promise never to let go. I want him so much that I almost cave and allow myself to believe his words. But I guess I don’t have enough confidence that he’ll want to stick around if I do.

“I know ten years is a long time, but having you disappear on me was a reminder that I can’t put myself through it again. It was too hard to get over you the first time, and now I have to think about someone besides myself.”

He shudders as my words slice him apart. Sharp, unyielding scissors. But he knows I’m right. There’s a baby involved. A child. A tiny person who deserves the best father Ren knows how to be, and I’m a distraction that will only make it harder.

It wasn’t until I saw how he commands the ice—and his team—that I fully understood it. Hockey is a part of him. It’s not just a sport he plays. It’s who he is. If I love him, the most selfless thing I can do is give him room to do what’s right for him.

“Just think about it, okay? It doesn’t make you a bad guy if you’re honest with yourself. It makes you human. It will also make you a better dad.”

Ren stands, understanding that he’s not going to convince me of anything today. I’m asking him to do a gut check. I’m asking for clarity. I’m hoping it will lead him back to me for the right reasons. But if not, ten years has taught me something—I know I’ll be okay.

CHAPTER 31

Ren

I pullmy baseball cap down and take a seat at the corner of the hotel bar, where I can sit with my back to anyone coming in. The place has a nice dark wood bar with a mirror on the back wall and six barstools with leather seats. A few low tables are scattered around the room, with club chairs upholstered in purple velvet. It immediately makes me think of Trix and what she’d say about the textile choice. I’m betting she’d say the style works, but the color doesn’t. Before I realize what I’m doing, I snap a photo with the intention of showing her.

No. She asked me to take time to think. Sending her pictures of velvet chairs is not going to prove that I want to be with her, not when she thinks she roped me into something.

It nearly killed me to walk away from Buttercup Hill the other day. I wanted to protest, but I know when I’m beaten, two goals down at the end of the third period. I’ll pretend to think, eventhough there’s nothing to consider. I don’t need space. I need to close the gap between us for good.

My barstool gives me only a partial view of the flatscreen TV, but I don’t need to see sports highlights when I just lived the real thing.

Tonight’s win had a different feeling from the ones we eked out earlier in the season. It wasn’t accidental. It wasn’t luck. We played like a team, and we earned the win.

Now, celebrating in downtown Nashville with the team, I’m holed up in the half-empty bar, which is too bright for my liking. But I’ll focus on the half-empty part. No one is in my face to talk to me about hockey. Or my life.

“I’ll have what he’s having.” Coach Barrington loses his voice a little bit during every game, and tonight’s rasp is per usual. It always comes back by morning.

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