Page 36 of Love You Too

But now, I can see the urges creeping in. I want to spend more time with Trix. I’ve wanted that from the minute she left my house. I feel all the old fears creeping in, the way my feelings for her in college spurred some impulsive decisions, missingpractices to spend time with her, and almost losing my offer because I was distracted by thoughts of her when I was on the ice. My talent pulled me through, but what if it’s not enough now when the team needs my attention?

I close my eyes for a moment to block out the bright, insistent sun that makes me feel like I’m in a spotlight. One thought rises to the surface amid the chaos—I came here hoping to reconnect with Trix.

If I’m going to get her to see me as anything more than an unreliable heartbreaker, I need to clear the air. The timing’s all wrong—I’d hoped to get to know her better and prove to her that I’m a different guy now—but I don’t have the luxury of choosing my timing.

“Trix…I want to explain why I did what I did back then.”

“We don’t need to…” She puts up a hand as if to stop me, but it drops into her lap. “Yeah, okay. I guess I’d like to know, especially if it’s stuff besides you just not wanting to be with me. Maybe it will help me get over this edgy feeling I have when I’m around you.”

As if to prove it, she shifts a few inches farther away from me. I hate that she feels that way, but I need to own the actions that led us here.

Nodding, I stand up and start pacing. Every nervous habit comes out at once—shoving my hand through my hair, tapping my thigh, stroking my non-existent beard.

“It was never about not wanting to be with you. If anything, it was the opposite. I wanted you too much, and that was going to be a problem when I went pro. I was…very distracted by you and willing to let that derail me. I was heading down a road where I thought I’d sabotage my shot at a pro career, and I didn’t even fucking care. I needed a clean break, or I was never going to manage. I’m sorry I didn’t explain it back then, but I didn’t have the right words, and it was easier just to bail. Doesn’t make it right, but that’s what it was.”

She frowns. “I would’ve understood. I could’ve helped you stay on track. You didn’t even give me a chance.”

“I know you would have. But that was part of the problem, too.” I choose my words carefully because I don’t want to hurt her even more, but she needs to understand what I saw. “You were willing to give up way too much of yourself for me.”

Blinking hard, she shakes her head. “I loved you. That’s what people do.”

I nod. “That’s just it. You were willing to give up everything for me and my future. What about your future?”

Her mouth drops open, and I see the readiness to blurt a response, but then she swallows hard. “I thought you were my future.” Her voice is quiet, vulnerable. Her features soften, and I see the twenty-year-old woman who was far less sure of herself than the one sitting next to me now.

“And look at you now.”

“Trix, I’m so sorry I hurt you, but I couldn’t let you give up your life for mine, especially when I knew it would take one hundred percent of my focus, and I didn’t know what I’d have left for you in return.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me that? I always thought it was me, that I wasn’t enough.”

“Because I was bad with emotions and worse with words. So I just looked forward. I convinced myself I was doing right by you in letting you go, so you could find your potential and crush it.” Her jaw slackens again, and I can’t tell if she’s fully understanding me, so I clarify. “And you did. I’m…in awe, frankly.”

I watch her face for signs she accepts my explanation. Trix stares at me, blinking softly. Finally, she nods.

“I never saw it that way, but I guess…maybe I was willing to sacrifice too much.” Her words are halting, and she grimaces.

“Hey.” I put a hand on her knee, grateful that she doesn’t flinch or pull away. “I loved you for all of it. And for what it’s worth, a part of me always hoped to find my way back to you.”

CHAPTER 13

Beatrix

Ten YearsEarlier

I’ve runout of things to throw, which is a good thing. Throwing Ren’s sweatshirt on the floor and knocking his backpack and baseball cap off my bed made me feel better in the moment, but as I look at his belongings on my floor, I feel foolish.

Maybe I want to feel foolish about throwing his stuff because it distracts me from what I really feel—like a naïve girl who actually considered dropping out of college to follow a guy to Canada and cheer for him at center ice. Five minutes ago, I was that girl. My face, heated with embarrassment, continues to betray me even as I backpedal.

“You…don’t want me to go with you?” I try to keep my voice steady, but it breaks on the last word as the tears come inearnest.

“I—of course I would want you with me, but I think you’ll be miserable. I’ll be training around the clock and traveling…it’s not the makings of a good relationship. You deserve better.”

“I don’t want better. I want what we have.” I don’t want to beg him to change his mind, but I can’t believe he’s ending things this way. Right now. Without warning.

“Trix…” Ren takes a careful step toward me from where he’d stood leaning against my desk while I took my feeling of betrayal out on his clothes and bag. His face, beautiful with those chiseled cheekbones and soft lips that have done amazing things to my entire body, sags in a mixture of pity and regret. Not regret that he just broke my heart, but regret that I’m not handling it well.

“Don’t.” I hold up a hand, trying to keep him from coming closer because if he comes closer…I won’t be able to stop before folding myself into him, letting him be the cushion for the pain, even if it’s pain he’s causing.

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