Page 27 of Love You Too

Oh my god!

My stomach clenches again, and I fling open the toilet lid and heave, but my stomach is empty. I sit back down, a layer of sweat on my brow. I feel overwhelmed with fear, panic, sorrow. A well of tears builds behind my eyes.

Julie watches me and I nod, putting my head in my hands and slumping over because it’s easier to breathe that way. She comes over and peeks at the stick over my shoulder.

“One time!” I yell. “With a condom. How is this even possible?” I whisper.

Julie says nothing, so I tilt my head at her and glare.

“Oh,” she says, snapping to attention. “I figured it was a rhetorical question. You see, when a man and a woman have fond feelings for each other, they rub their bodies together, and…”

“Oh my God! Are you really reciting the text of some children’s book about how people make babies?”

“You seemed unclear on the concept.”

“I’m clear. I’m very, very clear.”

Julie nods and chews on her lip. “Okay, then.”

I stand up from the toilet and toss the test into the trash. I’m tempted to take a second test because maybe this one is wrong,but I decide that for the good of my working relationship with Julie, I shouldn’t let her in on the depth of my crazy. Bracing my hands against the sink, I fight off an urge to throw up that has nothing to do with pregnancy-related nausea.

“I’m supposed to see him in a few days. What do I tell him?” Before she can answer, I shake my head. “No, I can’t think about that now. I think I need to push through. I need to go to the meeting and convince my siblings that there’s no reason to worry about the inn opening on time. And later, I’ll think about this. Just not right now.” I’m talking at double speed, but Julie nods along as though she’s following. “Yeah. I need to stay busy, stay distracted, because if I don’t, I’ll start thinking about Ren and a baby and my life, and I’ll just freak the hell ouuuuut.” My voice goes up an octave at the end.

Julie steps forward and hugs me. It doesn’t matter that she works for me and I’m often driven and prickly and we’ve never hugged before. She’s the best person in the world, and she knows what I need right now. I cling to her like a lifeline for more than a minute, until I feel my pulse slow and can breathe again.

Julie motions for me to follow her, so I do. We end up back in the kitchen, where she pours a glass of water and hands it to me. I take a small sip, then a larger one because suddenly, ingesting giant amounts of water is the order of the day. I’m parched like the Sahara Desert, and I have no idea why.

Julie goes into my pantry and comes out with a bag of Ruffles potato chips, ripping them open and sniffing the contents. “I used to crave these when I was pregnant. Good memories. Give ‘em a try. See if they appeal.”

I’m about to tell her that all food on the planet apparently smells like blue cheese, but then she brings the chip back toward my nose and I get a large, heady whiff of fried potato goodness. My hand digs through the bag and comes out with a shockingly large handful. I pop one, then two into my mouth and chew.

“Yessss. These hit the spot. How did you know?”

She shrugs. “Salt and fat are a pregnant lady aphrodisiac.”

“And how…how is all of this happening at once? Yesterday, I was fine. Today, I’m scarfing potato chips and puking up my coffee? It makes no sense.”

“The miracle of life does stuff to your body,” she sings.

“Yeah, okay,” I say, ripping the chips from her hand and stomping out of my kitchen. “Remember that thing I said about not talking about pregnancy or dealing with it at all today? That starts right now. Where are we on meetings with the landscapers?”

Julie consults her folder and hands me a paper. “Here’s their bid.”

I take it in, seeing numbers that will make Jax crap his pants because they’re twice our budget, and for the first time all day, I feel a wave of calm wash over me. “Okay. This bid sucks. This company has a lot of explaining to do, and I need to twist these numbers inside out and sideways by the end of the day and finish sixteen more tasks,” I say. “That, I can handle. Can you swing over to Meadow Hill while I’m at the meeting and take some photos of their landscaping? I want to do something similar but different enough that it doesn’t look like we’re copying it. And for less money.”

Piece of cake, I tell myself.It’s all going to be okay.

“It’sall going to be okay,” I chirp brightly as every face in the room turns toward me. “I’m getting new bids on the landscaping and pushing the contractor to find a new floor guy if this one can’t get the job done. And we’ll change the dishes at Butter and Rosemary, as planned, and work up some new menus. I’ve got it handled.” I’d say more, but I’m out of breath. I’m also doing everything in my power to stay focused on what I need to communicate in this meeting, so my mind doesn’t wanderanywhere else. I cannot think about pregnancy right now. Can. Not.

“Okay, if you really think you can handle all that,” Archer says, raising a skeptical eyebrow.

“Why wouldn’t I? I’m a great multitasker. Just put it on my list and I’ll get it done.” I try to dial down my voice, which sounds just shy of hysteria. More slowly and quietly, I explain, “I really feel comfortable with what’s on my plate.” Smoothing a plaid fabric runner on the table with both hands, I focus on my hands and avoid looking at anyone.

There’s an uncomfortable silence in the room, and when I glance up, I see Jax looking at a pad of numbers and PJ staring at me with creases in her forehead. I offer her a wan smile and urge myself not to throw up again.

“I’m still waiting on the claims department at the insurance company to come by, but if all goes according to plan, we should have money for the new floors and the other damage,” Jax says.

“Great,” I tell him, closing the notebook in front of me to indicate that I have nothing else to report.

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