Page 55 of Past Tents

“Nah, I’m good. Taking mental notes.”

“Works for me.” I lingered longer than I needed now that she’d answered my question. Her gaze drifted back to the view, and I turned to go.

“Thank you for this,” she said quietly. I had to take a few steps closer to hear her well, and I wanted to hear this.

“This?” I pointed at the view. “I’d love to take credit, but I didn’t create any of it.”

She nodded, still staring out over the steep drop and the waterfall beneath us. “Not what I meant. I appreciate you giving me a new appreciation for the wilderness and getting me over some of my fears.”

Her chest expanded as she inhaled a cleansing breath, the kind you use to fortify your nerves. I waited, letting her gather her thoughts, which she did by pacing in a circle and finally settling her gaze back on the view over the valley. “Contributing to my self-sufficient life.”

A rustle behind us made both of us flinch. We turned as a ground squirrel ran in front of us with a small acorn or tree nut in its mouth, and we watched it until it scurried under a bush and disappeared from sight.

“I’m glad you feel more confident, but didn’t we talk about this? Don’t give up on the fantasy of the knight if that’s what you want, Ally.”

A quiet hum of voices came from the direction of the students. They were finishing up their journaling and ready for an activity. But I really wanted to hear her answer.

“Yeah. I do want it...I just don’t know if it’s out there for me. That’s why I’m grateful to be able to take care of myself if I’m ever left behind in the woods.”

She extended her hands to our surroundings as though these were the very sort of woods where she might be left alone.

“Who would leave you behind in the woods?”

“I don’t know. People.”

“Not the sort of people you should be hiking with, if that’s what they’re about.”

Her lips quirked to the side in amusement but the seriousness in her eyes told a different story. “I mean, sure, I’d like to have someone in my life whowantsto do the dishes and fix the leaky sink without me asking. But I don’tneedanyone to do those things for me. I don’t need to worry about being left behind, in the woods, naked and afraid, possibly injured. I’ll be skilled enough to fend for myself.”

She was serious. In making her feel more confident, was I also pushing her away? If I was honest with myself, I didn’t want her to be so empowered that she didn’t need me. I just didn’t know how to tell her.

“I would never leave you behind in the woods.”

“That’s nice of you, Clay, but?—”

“No, you’re not understanding. That future you’re imagining where you’re alone and left to your own skills and devices to solve every problem, I’m just saying, you’re not alone. You have tons of friends, family—people are here for you.I’mhere for you.”

What I wanted to say was that I would always be there for her. I’d be that knight she fantasized about riding up on a stallion and catering to her every whim. And I’d relish the job. But what if it wasn’t mine to have?

What if I opened myself up to the possibility of being with Ally and it didn’t work out? Would my mental health spiral out of control? Could I handle it? Could I take that risk?

Until I knew the answer, I couldn’t say the words.

But it felt liberating to be thinking them.

CHAPTER

TWENTY-ONE

CLAY

We couldn’t have asked for better weather on our second day. The high clouds slid back and forth in front of the sun, so no one was baking in the heat, and the white puffy shapes made for beautiful reflections in the lake.

I watched Ally poke the ground on the far side of a log before stepping over it, explaining the logic to three students who were hiking with her. Quick study. It made me proud as a teacher, sure, but my smile when I watched her all day long was for other reasons. Reasons I hoped to repeat tonight, which couldn’t come fast enough for my damn taste.

“Do we really have to do the trust exercise?” Cassius grumbled after lunch when we assembled the students around the campfire area, where enough felled trees and large rocks gave everyone a place to sit.

If it were left to me, I’d cut out all of the activities the school district listed for me. Bonding was hardly a concern this late in the school year, and most of the exercises were designed for new students to get to know each other. Made sense if the retreat fell at the beginning of a school year, but in the spring, most of it felt like nonsense.

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