Page 96 of The Spark Between Us

“Not the impression I got.” My words landed with an angry thud. I reached for a scrap of plastic floating on the water.

He laughed, actually laughed in my face. “Oh. Okay.”

“You’re laughing at my misery? Nice.” There wasn’t anything funny about what I’d said. I didn’t need to be ridiculed by my older brother, especially if I wasn’t in on the joke.

But the look on his face was pure concern. “I’m only laughing because you’re an idiot if you think the man isn’t in love with you. I could see it the second I walked in the door. And that guy doesn’t do love.”

“Exactly. He made that pretty clear. So I don’t know where you’re getting your ideas.”

Finn dipped a paddle in the water and swirled it around, making our kayak rock gently from side to side. “Did he tell you about his ex?”

“Yes. I asked about her. Sounds like a bitch.”

He laughed. “Yeah, that was the takeaway. Anyway, it messed with him. I mean, severely. He went into such a downward spiral of self-loathing when she left, convinced he wasn’t good enough for her. I spent a couple weeks living on his couch until he was fit to get back to work again, and he swore he’d never put himself in a position to be left behind again.”

A pang of awareness shot through me. “But I didn’t want to leave him. I wanted to stay. I told him I loved him and he pushed me away. I don’t see how it’s the same.” Heartbroken for Braden despite my own hurt, I pressed my fists to my cheeks.

“Sar, you have a life here. And a job that you’ve worked hard for. Don’t you think he wanted that for you?”

Realization dawned on me. “I know he did.”

“Exactly. He isn’t the kind of guy to be selfish by letting you give up your dream for him. Think about it. The guy’s a living hero. It probably felt like the right thing to let you go.”

In all the wallowing I’d done and questioning how I’d misunderstood what Braden seemed to feel, it never occurred to me that he was pushing me away because he thought it was best for me. It only made me love him more.

Neither one of us spoke for a while, and eventually, the gentle lap of water against the kayak seemed louder than my thoughts. “He has the biggest heart of anyone I know, but he protects it fiercely,” Finn said, finally. “When Ellie left, it proved all the worst things he thought about himself, and he loves you even more. Probably felt like you could hurt him even worse.”

“Knowing that doesn’t help anything if he’s determined to push me away.” Angrily, I chucked a floating stick as far as it would fly.

“I guess not, but I thought you should at least understand where it was coming from.” He sized me up from his perch in the boat. “You’re a wreck, by the way.”

“Thanks. I’m aware.”

“So what are you going to do about it?”

“There’s nothing to do. Eventually, I’m going to be distracted enough by work and hobbies and whatever else that I’ll stop thinking about Braden for every minute of every goddamned day, and I’ll start to feel like a normal human again. Until then...” I had no idea. “I guess I’ll just be a wreck. Is it hurting anyone? No. Have I missed a deadline or a day of work? No. So just let me wallow until I’m done wallowing.”

“I don’t accept that as a solution.” Finn shook his head and started poking me again with the paddle. It was starting to piss me off.

“Quit it. Seriously, Finn. Stop.” But he didn’t stop. His paddle was wet, and he was hitting me right in the stomach, which both tickled and hurt from the jabs. I tried to scoot away to escape the onslaught, but the kayak didn’t allow for much wiggling. “I’m serious. Cut it out.”

“No.” He only poked harder.

“Fine, you want to get into it? Someone’s gonna end up in the water, and it isn’t going to be me.”

“So you say.” He jabbed my armpit. I picked up my paddle and splashed him first, then went in for a jab under his ribs.

The second Finn stood up in the kayak, there was no turning back. “Finn, no, we’re gonna—” I didn’t have time to get any more words out before the kayak listed to one side, dumping both of us overboard. He howled. I cursed. We both ended up plunging into the water, but the buoyancy of our life vests popped us to the surface almost immediately.

“Fuck, that’s cold!” he yelled.

“Whose bright idea was it to come out here?” I yelled. I don’t care how many people occasionally swim out here—the waters of the San Francisco Bay are an ice plunge. There was a reason most escapees from Alcatraz never made it out alive.

“I think it was mine.” He laughed. “Kind of feels good once you get used to it.”

“It feels horrible. It hate you!” I screamed. But I didn’t. I could never hate him.

“You love me.”

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