Page 73 of French Kiss

28

The Plan

July13

Saint-Germain

We ditchedour table in Montmartre and took an Uber back to the Left Bank. I needed to see the letter again, so we stopped by my hotel and walked to the gravel-covered square across the road from the Saint-Germain church. I stood there with the letter in my hand, like a lost schoolgirl, glancing down all the streets I’d walked on with Josh, like I’d misplaced my lunchbox instead of my best friend. Cars were passing on the cobblestone road that divided the church from the Café Deux Magots, whose sidewalk tables were still full with a late-lunch crowd.

“I can’t believe I didn’t notice the writing. This is totally Josh’s writing,” I said.

“Heat of the moment. It’s understandable,” Shelby said.

“I still don’t get it. Why didn’t he just say? Why not explain why he wrote it and then you two have another go in the shower?” Amrita said. I was beginning to regret sharing as many details as I had.

“Because he knows he let me down. And he thinks I can’t forgive him for that. Honestly, I’m not sure I can,” I said. Amrita looked confused and Shelby filled her in on my parents’ relationship, which I’d mentioned a few times in the past. I tried Josh’s phone again to no avail.

I didn’t want to say what I needed to say in an email or a text. There was too much, and I wanted to hear his voice. But the calls were going straight to voicemail, like he’d either put his phone on airplane mode or he was in a place without cell service. Or maybe he just saw my name pop up and immediately sent the calls to the dungeon.

“I feel horrible,” I told Shelby. “I called him a liar.”

“Well, to be fair, he did lie.”

“But I think he did it to protect my feelings.”

“You won’t know unless you talk to him,” she said.

“Right. So why isn’t he answering his phone?” I looked around again, like he’d somehow magically appear on the Boulevard Saint-Germain. Instead I saw a man with white wispy hair walking a tiny dog on a pink leash and two French teenagers in superhero T-shirts texting and walking and talking to each other concurrently. I wasn’t going to find Josh by standing in the courtyard and looking around.

“There could be a million reasons,” Amrita said. “Maybe he’s in a spot with wonky cell service. Maybe he’s gone off the grid to make sure no women find him and curse him bloody senseless.”

“Wouldn’t blame him for doing that,” I said.

“Why not just leave him a message? Tell him you want to talk. Then it’s in his hands,” Shelby said. But I couldn’t figure out what to say to him in a message and how to take back all the horrible things I’d spewed at him earlier. It needed to be face-to-face or at least voice to voice.

But what was there to talk about, really? I owed Josh an apology for overreacting, and he’d say he was sorry for lying, and then we’d go back to being friends.

I had to face the fact that we’d probably blown our chance at being anything more than friends from residency who wouldn’t see each other much once we started our respective futures in distant cities. We’d had our fun.

Our two nights together had just been an opportunistic fling—right place, right time.

There was no reason to think it was anything more. I had to move on and commit to enjoying a few more days with my friends and some solo travel to clear my mind and put me on a steady path toward a healthy relationship for once. The last thing I needed was to chase Josh down somewhere in Europe. Our moment together was over. I needed to accept that.

We were still standing in the church courtyard and I started to feel a little guilty that I’d dragged my friends all over the city and still hadn’t bought them lunch. I checked to see if there was an empty table at any of the cafes nearby but saw nothing. Behind us, a man with a violin set up a seat on the sidewalk and started to play a song.

“Anyhow, I’ll track him down eventually and apologize,” I said.

“Okay, and then what?” Shelby said.

“Then, nothing. It’s time to move on.”

Shelby and Amrita looked at each other and shrugged. “If you think that’s right, hon,” Shelby said.

“I do. It was a heartbreak-rebound hookup with Josh. We had a phenomenal forty-eight hours together but now it’s over. It doesn’t mean anything.” I looked at Shelby and Amrita, expecting an immediate chorus of agreement because I was being smart and mature about the situation, seeing it for what it was.

Instead, Amrita shrugged.

“What?” I asked.

---