Page 21 of French Kiss

“Yeah, I can imagine.”

“But I’m not exaggerating when I say it changed my life. There’s something about it. Those voices.”

“I know,” I said. Then we sat silently, and I gripped my cell phone, like I could get closer to him by pressing the phone against my ear.

We talked about microgreens, black holes, homemade granola, the impossible grace of ballet dancers, and I started to believe that Maddox was more than the shallow exterior he projected. Not many people would sit and talk with me about the plight of California farmers in drought conditions for as long as I wanted. He didn’t show this side to most people.

But he showed it to me.

* * *

A couple weeks later,Jordan and I did break up, not because of anything Maddox had to say about him or his suitability but because I couldn’t give Jordan any more than I was already giving. It took effort to make a relationship succeed during residency, and I saw how hard Heidi and Karim worked to accommodate each other. I didn’t have that kind of motivation, so it didn’t surprise me when Jordan finally threw in the towel.

“I like you and all,” he’d said one morning after spending the night, “but you’re either pre call, on call, or post call, and two out of the three of those, you’re catatonic.”

“I know it sucks, but I need to sleep sometime.”

“I get it. I just want a girlfriend I can see more than every third night.”

And that was the end. I didn’t really feel sad about it. Jordan had made me happy during the times I could see him, but I hadn’t wanted to see him more than every third night, and maybe that said something. In hindsight, I could see why any normal guy might have desired more.

I didn’t want to want more. At least not from him.

So we’d parted ways, no hard feelings. I kept my gym membership, but I started working out in the early mornings, when I knew he wouldn’t be there. He’d given me the gift of not totally neglecting my fitness during the dog days of my residency program, so I would always owe him that.

The day Jordan and I broke up, Maddox grew distant.

I’d almost expected him to step in and fill the void, since he’d implied that I deserved someone better than Jordan—someone like him. Instead, Maddox grew vague when I asked what his plans were, as if freaked out that I’d made good on his advice and was suddenly available. If he saw me coming down a hallway at the hospital, he’d either strike up a conversation with whomever was nearby, or he’d feign an urgent errand and dart off in another direction.

I was about to call him on it when he came in for rounds one morning, all smiles, humor, and friendliness, as though I’d only imagined that he’d been ignoring me.

Later, I found out he was dating someone new. Lucy or Lindsay or Lisette. I couldn’t keep them straight anymore. I figured that if she hung around long enough, I’d meet her and learn her name. In the meantime, Maddox had started subtly flirting with me again, protected from ever having to do anything about it.

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