Page 74 of French Kiss

“He sounds like a solid guy. Granted, I don’t know him, but he came all the way here to keep you from getting stood up. I don’t think a person does that just to be nice.”

She was right, of course. Josh was a good guy, and his biggest crime had been writing a letter that he thought might make me feel better. And I’d flipped my lid.

“This is what happens when I don’t follow a plan,” I said. “I was all set to meet you two and then spend some time solo traveling. I should have stuck to that.” Clearly, I wasn’t making great decisions with regard to men. I’d see Josh eventually and apologize for losing it. We’d patch things up. “Maybe I should just head to a beach in the South of France and chill for the rest of my time here.”

“Oh, bugger that. No. For once in your life, do the right thing,” Amrita said, almost sounding angry.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Look, we don’t know each other that well, but maybe that’s a good thing. You can hate me for saying this. But every time you talk about anything, it seems like you always need a plan. You’re always looking for the safe route. But this isn’t your perfectly curated residency program where everything is laid out so you can succeed. This is life. There is no safe route. If you want to be with this guy, tell him. Even if there’s a risk he might not want to be with you.”

“She’s right. You don’t take enough chances,” Shelby said.

“Great, pile on, why don’t you.” I was regretting having invited them to Paris.

“It’s true,” Shelby said. “You picked medicine because you knew if you followed all the right steps, you’d end up being a doctor. You dated Teddy for two years because he was safe. But you broke up with him for a reason. Because you know life isn’t like that.”

“Or at least it shouldn’t be,” Amrita said. “It should be spontaneous. If running my own business has taught me anything, it’s that no day ever goes the way you expect. And you can either crumble because of that, or you can face it straight on.”

“There’s a reason I don’t run a business,” I said. “Some people aren’t cut out for those kinds of ups and downs.”

“Don’t you think you’re gonna have that in private practice? Patients are gonna cancel or find other doctors or want to see someone younger or older. You’re gonna be running a business, with people working for you. With attitude and expectations and moods. You’re gonna have to roll with all of it,” Shelby said.

Crazy as it might sound, none of that had occurred to me. Over the past eight years of college and med school and three years of residency, it had been so easy to follow a lockstep program: take these premed classes, make sure to take organic chemistry before molecular biology, study for the MCAT…

I’d done all of that.

I’d followed the plan, and it had gotten me to a place where I had a job offer. That was the end goal. At least, I’d always thought so.

I watched as a French mother with two young kids approached what looked like a green painted fountain with water pouring out of two spouts into a trough. They each handed her a refillable water bottle, and she topped them off from the water flowing out of the fountain. I wondered if it was safe to drink, but I figured she’d know better than me.

“Yeah, I guess. I mean, you’re right. I’m totally ill-prepared for everything.”

“No, honey. You’ll be great. That’s what we’re trying to tell you,” Shelby said.

Amrita pulled me in for a hug. “You poor type-A little lovey. It’s hard to let go, isn’t it?”

I nodded, suddenly not wanting to let go of her. A new batch of tears welled in my eyes, but I didn’t feel sad. I felt completely overwhelmed.

“How chuffed am I that I’m the most well-adjusted in the group?” Amrita asked, gleeful.

Despite my tears, I had to laugh. She was right. Maybe it was not knowing where her life would lead from one year to the next, but Amrita had developed a sense of confidence and peace with the idea of change. She was mentally prepared for anything.

I couldn’t believe that in all my years of studying with teachers and mentors, no one had thought to tell me I’d have to get better at rolling with the unexpected. Maybe it was because they were all doctors too.

Or maybe I was supposed to figure that one out for myself.

“I’m just as bad as you are,” Shelby said to me.

“Oh, I know you are,” said Amrita. “I’m just so glad to have other people around who make me feel like less of a failure for not knowing exactly where my life is headed.”

“Have I ever made you feel like a failure?” Shelby asked.

“Oh, sure. About a hundred times a week,” Amrita said, and Shelby looked hurt. But Amrita shook her head. “Not because of anything you’ve ever said or done. But you have your shit together all the time. It can be a little daunting to those of us who are still figuring it out.”

“I most definitely don’t have my shit together,” Shelby said.

“I’m just learning this now, and it makes me so happy,” Amrita said.

---