Page 67 of Just Act Natural

I want all the glimpses.

“I hope you get it.”

“Me, too.” She narrows her eyes on me, her x-ray vision peering into my head. “Do you like your job?”

It’s a genuine question, and it deserves a genuine answer.

“Working for Irwin Outdoors is all I’ve ever known.” Aside from when I was away at college, I’ve had a job there in someform or another for twenty years. I’ve never considered working anywhere else. Even if a different opportunity sought me out, I don’t think much could compel me to take it. It’s too ingrained in who I am. “But I like working with people, and talking up the gear in our stores. I don’t mind the routine of monthly reports and sales numbers. And I like being in charge.”

Her eyebrows tick up, and I swear her eyes turn a darker brown in the dappled sunlight shining through the trees. “I didn’t see that coming.”

“Being in control has a certain appeal.” I refuse to let that train of thought take hold, or I’ll derail this entire conversation. “I admit there’s a…sameness to the job lately, but I’m not unhappy in my work.”

For a split second, she looks almost disappointed, but that quickly flickers into a bright smile. “Good. If you were, I would have a thing or two to say to your parents.”

“I don’t doubt it.”

Behind us, other rafters start filing into the offices for the safety presentation. Our ten minutes are just about up.

“Are you ready to do this?” I ask her.

“Not in the slightest.”

I wish I could take pictures of Lila just like this—screaming her head off as we go over every stretch of tumbling water like she’s on the best rollercoaster ride of her life. Grinning at me in the spaces in between, when the river’s almost peaceful. Completely at ease.

I wasn’t sure she would be. Chances were high her screams would be sincere. But she’s enjoying herself even more than I’d hoped, and it’s a beautiful thing to see.

I’m not nearly as relaxed. Our conversation rolls through my mind in the quiet moments, gnawing at something tender I haven’t looked at in years. I would expect Dean to be the one to have an existential crisis on a whitewater rafting trip, but it turns out that’s me.

I’m not unhappy. The more I repeat it, the more off it sounds, like a guitar string slowly going out of tune until it’s unrecognizable. I enjoy my job. I like working with my family. I know all of my responsibilities inside and out.

And yet…

I took a month-long sabbatical and can’t adequately explain why I needed it. I spend most of my time at Rhett’s apartment because my own house is haunted by the ghost of my mistakes. Dean and Eliza’s joy makes me so deeply envious, sometimes I can’t handle being around them. I’m somehow in a fake relationship with the one woman in years who makes me want to try for a real one again.

I’m not unhappy…but I don’t know exactly what I am. I’m not sure if I’m living the life I want or the life I think I’m supposed to have.

The last time I thought I knew, I was dead wrong.

I used to go into the mountains for clarity. Right now, maybe I need a little chaos.

“Check out the osprey!” Our guide in the rear of the raft points to the bird in flight thirty feet or so past Lila’s shoulder. It slowly flaps its wings, seemingly content to join our party.

She clutches her oar to her chest and leans to the center of the boat. “No, thank you.”

The guide laughs. “They’ve got a big wingspan, but they’re small birds. Only about three pounds.”

“And they’ll claw your eyes out.”

The little girl riding in the front of the boat with her mom whips her head around to face Lila. “What?”

Her small face contorts with fear, and I suspect Lila’s nightmares are about to spread to a new home.

Lila sits up straighter and grins wide. “I said, you have to keep an eye out. Because…they’re so cool to see.”

The girl grins back and looks at the bird as it climbs higher. “Yeah, they are.”

Lila meets my eyes and cringes adorably. I can only nod at her as affection rushes over me like I’m standing in the middle of this raging river. Maybe the life I want is right here, after all.

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