Page 43 of The Headmistress

There was a mischievous note in the warm, low voice and it was Sam’s turn to smile at the troublesome child Magdalene had been., But she felt the smile was not entirely warranted, because that child had also been troubled and alone.

“So when I stepped foot on the island and saw the school? Dragons might as well have been another world. Confident, cultured, beautifully-attired girls, walking hand in hand from one dorm to another. And I was not a street urchin, despite largely raising myself. But it felt different, it felt like a palace where I could be myself. I fell in love from the very first whiff of that jasmine by the Amber Cliff. And that view? It felt like my biggest dream came true. The following six months were the happiest of my life. I loved everything about Dragons. I also hated a lot about it, hence the rebelling or the ‘troublemaking’, as Joanne liked to call it.”

Sam thought back on the conversations she’d had with both Orla and Joanne, how both of them were convinced Magdalene hated Dragons for having cast her aside. She didn’t blame them much for their anger and their suspicion of Magdalene. After all, it turned out she’d had every reason to hate Dragons and to come back with a vengeance, to pay everyone back for throwing out the gay kid.

The fact that Magdalene had dreamed about Dragons all her life, as a lonely girl from an unloving family, and had loved her time there—a time that clearly set her on an ambitious quest to forge her life in such a way that she’d have a chance to return one day—was likely never to be understood by Orla. Sam had hopes that at least Joanne would come around to see it that way. After all, very few people were probably allowed the privilege to get to know the real Magdalene Nox. This Magdalene Nox—the warm, generous, introspective one. The gentle one who counted freckles on her lover’s shoulders, and the protective and still angry one who thought that shunning gay kids was abominable.

Sam swallowed her tears. How many of her preconceived thoughts and opinions were due to the fact that the woman in her arms was a complete enigma? How many people passed on her, were afraid of her, misunderstood, and repudiated her because she was so closed-off? And how many missed out on being shown this completely captivating soul? Sam felt privileged and sad, and just heartbroken all of a sudden.

“Are you crying for the scrawny rebellious ginger kid whom nobody wanted, Sam? You have such a tender heart, darling.” Magdalene rose on her elbows and leaned in to kiss away the tears that Sam wasn’t even aware had fallen.

“No, I… ah, I’m just really grateful to know you. You know, really know you.”

As if wiped off with an eraser, Magdalene’s happiness was gone from her face, leaving naked misery in its wake.

“Ah, the everlasting conversation about Magdalene Nox and her closed-off heart and mind.” Her tone bitter, Magdalene made to get out of Sam’s arms and out of bed, but Sam’s voice stopped her.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“You know that’s what Timothy threw in my face when I caught him with his assistant, in our own bedroom?” Sam shook her head, appalled. “Oh yes, his reason for infidelity after years of marriage was that I was such a closed book, and that all I ever did was ruthlessly move towards my holy grail of a goal - return to Dragons. That he could never see the ‘real’ me. That I was hard to know and thus hard to love.”

Lost for words, shocked, upset, and revolted at Timothy’s behavior, which was borderline abusive—to gaslight his wife in order to shift the blame for his infidelity—Sam fought hard to keep her temper in check. Wow, a prince of a man.

Sam’s voice shook as she murmured, “I’m so sorry, Magdalene.”

“He wasn’t entirely wrong. I am not easy to know or like, for that matter. And if you’ve already figured out the former, wait ‘till you get to the latter.”

Sam thought Magdalene would try to bolt out of the bed. Her voice was high-strung, and she was quivering in the embrace, but instead, Magdalene settled closer, burrowing in again, as if suddenly afraid to be let go of. Swallowing her rage, understanding that that wasn’t something Magdalene needed to deal with in addition to her own anguish, Sam held her, running her fingers through the red locks, occasionally tugging to untangle the mess she herself had made by having her hands in Magdalene’s hair for hours on end, unable to get her fill.

“That’s nice.” The purr that came from Magdalene was meant to be seductive, and it did indeed send thoroughly interested tingles all over. But Sam wasn’t yet ready to delve back into sex.

“What’s not nice is being a gaslighter. He managed to reason away his own failings by placing the blame on your shoulders.”

“You sound so sure, so certain that he’s the one to blame.”

“Did you cheat? Was it you he walked in on in your bed with another woman?” She felt Magdalene shake her head against her sternum.

“Then everything else is filler. Everything else is superfluous.”

“My smart Sam.” Magdalene yawned sweetly, and her sleepy smile seemed to light up the room.

The ‘aha’ moments just kept coming. In this small, cozy bed-and-breakfast, with the nearby ocean lulling the little town to sleep, Sam kept finding more and more of herself to give away, until she knew she had nothing else to hold back. Magdalene, with her beautiful face and even more beautiful mind, with the depth of her words a glimpse into the depth of her soul, had taken it all from her. Sam could think about the consequences of falling so deeply in love later, when the words ‘my Sam’ did not leave her breathless and warm and fulfilled and completely fearless in the light of everything that was to come.

Because for the very first time in her life—perhaps without even realizing how much it meant to her—somebody had claimed her.

“Yours. If you want me to be. I guess, even if you don’t. Some things aren’t exactly under our control. You, sharing yourself, being an open book. Me, falling for you.”

Magdalene raised her head from Sam’s chest then, her eyes tumultuous. But whatever was coming next, Sam didn’t want the reality of their situation to intrude just yet. So she placed her fingers on those slightly swollen lips, effectively stopping whatever Magdalene was about to say.

“Me falling for you ultimately means nothing other than just that. Or, I guess it doesn’t have to mean anything more. You’re not responsible for my feelings. There’s no fault or guilt —or hell—responsibility in any of this. My feelings are mine alone.”

She was rambling and by the sudden stretching of lips under her fingertips, she knew Magdalene was smiling, finding it endearing. Why did Sam think that Magdalene considering her to be a babbling fool was a sweet thing?

“Sam, responsibility, guilt, or fault aside, your feelings for me are not unrequited. Not at all.”

“Huh?” Something lit up inside her, something warm and fragile and so precious, Sam wanted to curl into a ball and give her life defending it. Was Magdalene really saying that she had feelings for her too?

“But…” Ah, here it came then. And Sam could guess pretty well what was to follow, since Magdalene had been honest and straightforward with her from the very day she’d first set foot on the island.

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