Page 32 of Between Our Hearts

The soft, grunting sound of the newborn fidgeting reached his ears regardless. Grief sucker punched him in the ribs, layering itself on top of all the uncertainty already plaguing him. Instantaneously, a sheen of liquid filmed over his eyes. He covered his shuddering inhale with a cough, even though only small children were around to witness its sound.

The situation didn’t necessitate him sprinting with his daughter on his hip to the park bathrooms fifty yards away, but he did so anyway. Anyone watching would assume he was trying to keep his little girl from having an accident, not that he was running away from something that was inescapable.

Lottie giggling as they raced to the cinderblock building slightly assuaged the darkening storm brewing beneath his breastbone. After she went potty, he let her dawdle in the bathroom. She squealed as she stood under the high-pressure hand dryer, its forced-air pounding at her. Clark bobbed his head under the other one, letting his locks be flattened against his forehead. Her shriek of joy at the sight of him brought a genuine smile to his lips.

When they walked hand in hand back to the ramada, Clark almost felt he could handle the rest of the class. Except when he got back to the strollers, the newborn was crying—hard.

Miles called to him again, this time from his position kneeling next to Victor at the squat jump station. Victor was wincing as he removed his shoe as if he’d rolled his ankle. “Hey. Can you pick the little guy up for me? His dad ran to his car to get a bottle.”

It wasn’t uncommon for the dads to help with each other’s kids. There was definitely a tribe mentality at Dad Bod Fitness, and Clark had helped out many times before.

“S—sure.” The shaky word left his mouth as Lottie rose on tiptoe, pulling at the side of the stroller and peering over the edge of the infant car seat.

“Baby sad.” Her tiny lips pulled down in a sympathetic pout.

He couldn’t muster a response. Clark’s fingers were clumsily unbuckling the red-faced and screaming newborn when Jayce screeched to a halt beside him.

“I’ve got him,” his friend managed through heaving breaths, picking up the baby and quickly walking him to his father.

Though Jayce had just intercepted an infant—the most helpless version of a human being—it was as if his friend had just carried away a live grenade.

Clark blinked and rotated, surveying his surroundings.

Everything was proceeding as normal. The other fathers were completing different exercises at various points under and beyond the ramada. The children surrounding him babbled and munched on snacks, the sounds of “The Wheels on the Bus” softly playing from Miles’s music player. The flowering scents of spring tickled his nose and the warm air wafted against his skin, but every inhale brought the sensation of nails tumbling down his throat.

Numbly, he buckled Lottie into her stroller, handed her a packet of goldfish crackers, and went back to class. Jayce eventually rejoined him, and Clark could tell that his friend was barely keeping the words he wanted to say behind his teeth.

Clark waited for physical exertion to alleviate the agonizing undercurrent of emotions streaking through his veins, but relief never came. Every second of class was a struggle. His muscles seemed to revolt at every command his brain threw at them. His head throbbed as if someone was repetitively striking it with a sledge hammer. When Miles blew the final whistle to signal the end of class, Clark collapsed back on his mat after his last sit-up.

Wispy clouds passed over the cheerful blue sky just beyond the ramada as a tiny pebble pressed into his back. Someone had put a wind chime high in the branches of a nearby southern live oak, and its metallic notes clanged irregularly as the breeze jostled it.

“Want to talk about it?” Jayce sat cross-legged on his mat.

About a week after Clark had confided to his friend about Sadie’s miscarriages, he’d met Jayce at a kids’ themed indoor play area/coffee shop after naptime. As their girls had enjoyed the gratuitous amounts of dress-up clothes, music toys, and fully stocked play kitchen, Clark had opened up about how challenging this year had been for him.

As a husband and father,hewas the one who was supposed to protect and care for everyone else. He’d strived to be a pillar of stability for Sadie, for his daughter, while guilt over his own sorrow stabbed at his stomach. Because in the end, he’d only been emotionally impacted by each miscarriage—not physically like Sadie had been.

Jayce had listened and then admitted to having felt the exact same way. Clark had sat on a too-small chair, balancing a cold cup of coffee on his knee, but it had been like he could finally breathe after being held underwater.

“It’s just hard today.” He pushed up on an elbow, meeting his friend’s eyes.

Jayce nodded. “I get it. Some days you can handle everything, and others just suck. Do you want me to take Lottie for a few hours so you can get a break?”

Clark sat and ran his hand through his sweaty hair. “Thanks, but my parents should be getting into town any minute. I need to head home.”

“Okay.” Jayce began rolling his mat. When they were both standing, his friend hesitated. “So, don’t be weird about this, but I’m going to hug you, okay?” Jayce’s eyes looked everywhere but at him.

His friend’s discomfort made an unexpected laugh burst from Clark’s mouth. He didn’t have any issue with embracing another man but understood that some did. When Jayce’s lips dove into a deep frown, Clark laughed even harder. Even though he tried to subdue his merriment, he couldn’t stop from heaving with it until his abs ached.

“You don’t have to be such an ass.” Jayce wrapped his arms around Clark, heartily thumping his back for good measure, before pulling away with a shake of his head.

Clark stopped his friend’s step towards the strollers with a hand to the shoulder. “Thank you.” He met Jayce’s gaze. “Seriously. That helped.”

His friend’s nose gave a quick upward nod. “Damn straight, it did. I’m an excellent hugger.”

Clark couldn’t help the wry twist tugging on his lips. “You sure are.”

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