Page 37 of My Heart Before You

Once Emilie was back on the floor, she checked in with her charge nurse, Enid, to make sure the rest of her patients hadn’t needed anything while she was gone. She was just finishing typing all the details of the transfer for Sierra’s electronic chart when Enid stopped over her shoulder.

“I’ve put the OR feed on the TV in the breakroom if you want to watch part of it.” The stocky, middle-aged woman moved on to tell the rest of the nurses that she had the surgery broadcasted.

Emilie peeked into the breakroom to see the soundless monitor showing a close up of the center of Sierra's chest. They were just starting to scrub her skin when her nurse phone rang with a patient needing pain medication. She went from task to task, busier than expected before things finally calmed down. Slipping back into the breakroom, she found her charge leaning her body weight against the foot that was propped onto a chair.

Enid pointed to the screen. “He’s so fast.”

Two hands covered in surgical gloves and a scant amount of blood quickly worked on Sierra’s superior vena cava reanastomosis. His fingers connected with tiny precise sutures, the receiving ends of Sierra’s own vein to those of the donor heart.

“He really is.”

For a moment, all Emilie could think about was what it felt like to have those nimble fingers on her neck. The skin he’d touched pinpricked with the memory as it replayed slowly in her mind. Her own hand lifted and traced the path. There was no mistaking that his touch was deliberate.

Somehow, she couldn’t lie to herself anymore and pretend that she didn’t feel some type of fundamental shift when Colin was around her. She’d told herself that they were work buddies, but talking to him at the Christmas party, she realized her thoughts about him weren’t like the ones she had of Ash, or Barbara, or even Dr. Campbell.

If she was honest, even after such a slight encounter, she craved the sensation of his fingers on her skin again. The air in the small break room was suddenly very warm and stifling. Emilie pushed up the sleeves of the Henley underneath her red scrub top.

Enid’s eyes were glued to the screen. “What a gift for Sierra, right?”

A crushing weight settled between her shoulders. “I’m happy for Sierra, but as wonderful of a gift this is for her, I keep thinking that there’s another family who just lost their loved one on Christmas.”

Her charge turned from the screen to her, thinking before answering. “It is bittersweet. I understand how you feel, but in a way that person’s living on in her. They are giving her a second chance at life and a first chance at being a mother.”

Sierra had never been able to hold her own child without a plastic tube separating them. Downstairs this second, Colin was doing everything in his power to give that chance to her.

Pressure built between Emilie’s brows as the pungent scent of multiple potluck dishes littering the breakroom table pricked at her nose. The aroma turned her stomach, and she had to swallow against the sour taste in her mouth.

“Would it be okay if I took lunch?”

“Sure.” Enid stepped back from the table.

“I’m just going to hop downstairs to grab a fresh cup of coffee first.” She slipped from the breakroom.

Striding off the floor, she walked into the locker room instead of down the hall. Blood thumped in her ears as she heard the click of the door close behind her. Pushing a hand against her chest, she forced herself to take a deep breath. And then another. And another.

She’d never felt like this on shift before, and she had to gain control of herself and fast. Forcing her eyes closed, she fought against the image teasing at the periphery of her mind.A strained gasp choked from her mouth as her legs threatened to give out from underneath her. She backed against the wall, sliding down against it.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered to the room as she wrapped her arms around her legs.

Hanging her head between her knees, she wasn’t sure who she was sorry to. Sorry to the family who’d just lost her loved one on Christmas. Sorry to Sierra that she didn’t get a chance to nurse her baby and hold her without a plastic obstruction always in the way. Sorry to Braden that she’d just relished the touch of another man. Sorry to her sweet baby girl for trying to move on with her life.

Not for the first time, she wished she’d been in the car with Braden and Lucy.

A halting breath filled her lungs, and her arms quivered as she tried to let it out evenly. If she’d been with them, she wouldn’t have to try and live without them. Then this treacherous feeling as she tried to start over wouldn’t be crushing at her ribs.

“Love isn’t a one-time-deal. You can still love those you’ve lost while feeling affection for someone new. It’s not a betrayal of those you’ve lost to live your own life.”

Nia’s words from their last session crept into her mind—the ones encouraging Emilie to consider dating again.

The idea of dating had always felt like replacing her husband and child.

But now she couldn’t deny the fact that her bodywantedto be touched.

Bile stirred in her throat again.

No.

She didn’t have to do anything. She didn’t have to acknowledge the way it felt when Colin’s thumb traced down her skin. Ash would have tucked Emilie’s hair away just as quickly.

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