Page 2 of My Heart Before You

Shoving back from the table, he tore off his blood-soaked gown and gloves, throwing them on the floor. “Goddamn it!”

As he slammed his hand onto the OR door, he barely registered Kitty’s voice. “Dr. Abernan?”

“I’ll call it,” the anesthesiologist said as the door swung closed.

A minute later, Colin was smashing out of the side exit of the hospital into the crisp autumn air. Rancid dumpster stench followed him from the alley as he took long strides across the street. He swatted a red maple leaf, mid-fall, out of his face and flung open the stairwell door to his condo building. Taking the stairs two at a time, his legs strained with each angry push of his foot.

His cell phone rang just as he reached the fifth floor. “Abernan,” he barked as a hello.

“Hey man, I heard you had a rough time in the OR.” Even his best friend's voice didn’t ease the tension in his muscles.

“It was a shit case.” He fumbled for his keys, missing twice before finally jamming them into the lock.

“Kitty told me you threw things.”

“Lots of surgeons throw things in the OR,” he snarled.

“A lot of surgeons do, butyoudon’t,” Max replied, his tone calm and even.

“I’m not allowed a bad day?”

Colin strode into his condo and looked around, not knowing what to do with all the adrenaline rushing through his body. He wanted to run ten miles as fast as he could until this pressure in his arms loosened.

“You are.”

After pacing a few more tight circles, he flopped onto the only piece of furniture in his condo. The scent of his father’s deodorant wafted up from the soft, leather recliner, stinging his nose. His attempt at an inhale sat trapped in his chest.

“I lost him.”

“I know you lost him, but you’ve lost patients before, and you will lose many more. That’s the job. You know this. You’ve done this hundreds of times.” Max paused for a few breaths. “You mean your dad.”

Colin couldn’t even respond, he was fighting too hard against the tears pricking at the corners of his vision and the congestion at the bridge of his nose. Memories of his father, andhowhe died flooded his mind.

I could have saved him.

Defeat pulled his body forward until his head was cradled in his hand.

“I’m taking the rest of your call today, okay?” His friend’s voice was gentle.

Pride bristled in his chest. “You don’t need—”

“I’m not hearing it. Let me take the rest of the day. Are you working tomorrow?”

Air pushed from his lungs as he shoved his hand over his head and took off his scrub cap. “No, I was scheduled off already.”

“Do you need Monday?”

“No, I’m fine. I’ll apologize to Kitty and the staff. I’ll head back right now.” He attempted to rise, but his muscles fought against his brain’s commands.

“Kitty didn’t call me to tattle on you, Colin. She called because she was worried about you . . . and so am I,” he paused, “Do you want to talk about it?”

He shook his head, his hair gently hitting his temples before realizing Max couldn’t see him. “No, I just need time.”

“Take it. And let me know if you need more.”

A reluctant exhale left his lungs. “Okay.”

“Give me report. Did you talk to the family after you left the case?”

---