Page 113 of Soul of a Psycho

“Consider not the lessons in the classroom, but the lessons you taught each other—often when you thought no one was watching. ”

Her eyes sear into mine, something painful and pleading. But I struggle to look anywhere else.

“You shaped one another more than the hallowed halls of Hillcrest ever could.”

Fuck, she’s beautiful. Even now, with tears coating her lashes.

“Because I can wholeheartedly say that you all have played a critical role in shaping me,sharpeningme, into what stands before you today.”

A monster.

I’m gripping the button too tightly, and I have to readjust so as to not slip up and trigger it too soon. And itisall too soon. I want more time with her. I want to know what she looks like outside of this place. What wouldIlook like outside of this place? Could we be happy? Does she want babies? I want to put a baby inside her. She would look so pretty…

“And with that in mind, remember that you deserve everything that’s coming to you.”

Tears prick my eyes as I suddenly realize this speech is pointless. Why am I speaking to them? They don’t mean anything to me anymore. It’s her that means everything. What I really want to say is,I love you—directly to her—I love you.I’m sorry for scaring you, angel. I’m not going to press it.

“You know what?” I change course just as someone raises their voice in the back.

I squint and see a woman speaking shrilly into a cell phone, a worried frown on her lips as she gapes around. Slowly, a prickly sort of heat wraps its way around my neck.Bobby.She’s looking for Bobby.

But the earth is cold around his body and the heat on my neck is the wire I strangled him with. I’ve forgotten what’s really put me up here, and the sickness seeps back into my stomach, grounding me,remindingme; I don’t have a choice. And I don’t deserve Sky.

The woman—Bobby’s mother—sobs, and I want to sob with her.

“Sorry,” I clear my throat and force myself to look away, “Where was I?” I swallow roughly, remembering my place.“Right. What’s next will only be scary if you don’t see the path that led you here.”

I continue with my meaningless words, reciting them mindlessly and not really hearing them. They are no more than a long ago omen now, lacking menace and conviction. I just want to be done, and can’t be more relieved as my spiel comes to an end.

“And now, as we move on from this life and into the next, I only have one last thing to say.” I gear up to flex my thumb, bracing myself for the explosions. “You reap what you sow,” I deliver my final line, and find my angel’s eyes.

I’ll meet you at the graveyard.

And then I press the button.

Chapter Seventy-Eight

Sky

For a moment, I thought I had him. I had him at the altar in a suit. I had him in a porch swing with a cup of tea on a twilight evening. I had him for a long life and then some. But then it deteriorated like an old polaroid in flames, curling in on itself with ruin.

And I watch as my demon sinks under murky waters, my eyes flicking rapidly between his face and his fist that rests on the podium.Don’t press it. I love you. Don’t press it.But I can tell all too coldly which way the scales have tipped, and where the tendons in his hand are leading.

“You reap what you sow,” his voice rings out in finality.

And I squeeze my eyes shut just as he presses the button.

Time speeds up as I fleetingly hope it doesn’t hurt. I imagine my mother, somewhere behind me, and pray it’s quick for her. And Callie too. She’s already so heartbroken. Ruby is going to be pissed. Poor Lana. Poor me. I mourn their lives and mine and hate that my father isn’t here to go down with us.

I’m a little girl again, helping my mother put fun makeup on her neck, skin so purple. I’m a little girl again. I’m a little girl again. Again. Again. I want to ride the merry-go-round again. I don’t like boys. Pink is too girly. Bubbles are fun. Don’t I want to sit on Santa’s lap? I scraped my knee. I’m being such a biggirl. Rip off the band-aid Bad. Bad. I’m just a dog. Can we get a puppy? Can we get a cat? Your skirt is too short. Happy birthday to you. Wipe that shit off your face. You’re an embarrassment. Cheer tryouts are on Friday. Friday. Friday. So many Fridays. Do I want to go see a movie on Friday? Go with him. He’s cute. Go with him. Popcorn. Dark. Stay still and it won’t hurt. Stay still and…. It. Won’t. Hurt.

The reel in my mind is spinning out of control, but I stay still so it won’t hurt. I keep my eyes closed. A demon is conjured. Dark hair. Tender touch. Drench me, Angel. Drench me. Vivons avant de mourir. Before we die. We all die eventually. Are you afraid of me, Sky? You seem like a waffle cone girl. Tender. Soft. A lost cause is a lost cause. You forgive me, don’t you, Sky? You would die for me, wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t I? Yes. Yes. We’ll go together. Together. Together. Forever. Fore—

“When I call your name, please come and accept your diploma.”

The headmistress’s voice jolts me, pulls me from the depths, and I peek between my lashes. The world is tilted, spotted around the edges, and I suck in the air I realize I haven’t been breathing.

We’re all still here.

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