Page 111 of Soul of a Psycho

She swipes some of my damp strands off my forehead, and it takes me a moment to realize the lie Ruby concocted for me. I make a note to thank her if we survive today.

“I’m just going to tie it back,” I say absentmindedly. “Where’s dad?”

Of course, I knew they would be here for graduation, but I wasn’t willing to find out the details when my father is typically the one to handle all their travels. If there were plans I needed to be aware of, he would have made sure I was informed. But I hadn’t heard anything. And I’ve also been distracted.

The knot in my stomach tightens.

I didn’t even think about my parents. Am I going to get them killed today?

“Oh. Did he not tell you that he couldn’t make it?”

“Couldn’t make it?” I balk.

Today is a perfect photo op. His only child graduating? He wouldn’t miss this.

My mother shrugs coyly, and I notice she’s not nearly as glassy eyed as usual. Her hair is perfectly polished, too. She usually looks put together—as is expected of a congressman’s wife—but if someone looked close enough, they would find the ends of her hair slightly frizzed from the frequent naps she takes, or the smudge of her lip liner that she can’t notice has smeared through the haze of her benzos. But today there is none of that. She’s even sporting her natural nails. No nibbled bits in sight.

“Mom, what’s going on?”

“He just said he was busy.” She shrugs again.

I tilt my head in disbelief.

“I really don’t know, honey.” She sighs, giving in. “He hasn’t been home much these last few months and… do we really want to question it?” She holds my stare.

We both know what she’s trying to say. Any time away from him is a blessing. And I suppose this is a godsend. I slowly nod, and she wraps an arm around me.

“Exactly. Let’s not look a gift horse in the mouth, shall we? It’s a big day, my beautiful graduate. Get dressed so we can enjoy it.”

I barely have time to put my hair in a bun—at my mother’s urging—and slip into the cap and gown before Ruby and the girls tear me away from her and start corralling me down the stairs.

Stepping outside, the energized chatter hits me, popping the bubble I hid in while I rushed to get ready. The one where this issupposed to be a day to be excited about, one where there aren’t bombs strapped to the undersides of our seats.

Thick graphite clouds have moved in, setting an oppressive dome over the festivities. The humidity immediately collects in the hollow of my throat, and I feel trapped in my black gown, smothered and clammy. I have to squint against the reflective gray, my eyes burning and bloodshot. I didn’t sleep, and all at once it catches up with me. I’m in a blurry daze as Ruby loops her arm through mine and drags me to the backside of Lamb Hall.

“Can you believe this is it?” she whispers conspiratorially. “I’m never coming back here. Not even for any bullshit high school reunion. You couldn’t pay…”

I tune her out and scan the nauseating jumble of faces. Everyone is so bright and alive, oblivious and at ease. Parents mill about with their air of superiority while the senior class sashays in matching black gowns.Burial garb, I think grimly, and my mouth goes dry.

Where is Cade!?

My heart ricochets painfully. The stage is set with a lacquered wood podium, and a few teachers stand beside it, heads bent over a microphone like they are hooking it up. The headmistress is off to the side, arranging a bouquet of rolled parchments. The diplomas.The death certificates.I shake my head and start scanning again. He has to be here somewhere. My gaze freezes on a perplexed set of parents. The woman has frizzy brown hair and cushy cheeks. There’s something familiar about her face, though I know I’ve never met her. And the man’s slight hunch on his shoulders…

The blood drains from my face. Are they Bobby’s parents?

They crane their heads around, looking for their son, and panic blooms in my chest.

“Jeez,” Ruby suddenly wrenches her hand from mine. “What do you got, stage fright or something?”

I tear my eyes away from the soon to be grieving parents, not realizing I had clutched Ruby’s hand and that my knuckles are locked in a vise.

“Ye—Yeah.” I stutter, stretching out my fingers.

“Well, I’m one row behind you, Barbie.” She begins to leave me in an aisle. “But you got Callie with you.” She smirks. “You two should do great up there. Just picture everyone naked,” she says sarcastically.

Or dead,I want to whimper as she turns her back.

“Just take deep breaths,” Callie squeaks beside me and pulls me down gently. “I’ve been doing it all morning, and it’s working.”

---