Page 94 of Soul of a Psycho

The queasy feeling returns as an old man follows out of the post office, a suspicious scowl hanging from his jowls. He says something, and I swear I can feel the angry slam of Cade’s trunk as he shuts it, though no one else looks up. The man points in the direction of Hillcrest, but Cade doesn’t turn to look at him, instead stomping around to the driver’s side and climbing in. Another slam causes me to jump, this time alerting everyone.

“What is it?” Callie cranes her neck to look out the window.

But Cade has already sped away, and I don’t know what to say. That I saw him with packages? Packages containing hazardous materials? That he’s angry? So, so angry, and that I’m scared he might be up to something. That he’s going to blow something up? I would sound like Callie. Or worse, I would sound like Ruby.

Chapter Sixty-One

Cade

Sky’s eyes are big and begging as she looks up at me, and I indulge in her lips one more time. She tastes like salvation, like holy water, and I sink my teeth into her bottom pout as if she could anchor me. Fuck knows I want to stay, that I want to bask in her grace a little longer. But I can’t.

There’s only so much daylight left, and I need to test the latest batch of additives. I’m not about to go through the trouble of mixing and chambering, for them to be a dud. The last thing I need is for only half of the bombs to detonate and leave me alive to see the carnage.

“Don’t go,” Sky whispers as I straighten.

My chest tightens, but I take a step back anyway, everything in me screaming that I still have to do this.

I leave her at the steps of Lamb Hall and make my way towards the shack. It kills me, absolutely guts me, to ignore her pleas, but it’s getting harder and harder to look her in the eye. She won’t stop asking questions that I can’t answer. Like, why don’t I move back into the dorms for the rest of the year? What do I do in the woods by myself? Or, what is the black on my fingers? And the big one, what happens to us after we graduate?

But I don’t know. I never thought that far, not when the plan has always been to die. I did the bare minimum of collegeapplications to keep suspicions at bay. A lot of them came back with an acceptance due to my GPA, but I’m sure admissions would change their mind if they knewwhyI worked so hard to get to top of my class.

The official announcement for Valedictorian hasn’t been posted, but my mother made a point to tell me, too excited to keep it a secret. If she only knew what me standing on that stage meant.

But college isn’t the fantasy I think about when I toy with the idea of burying the bombs. It’s Sky. It’s Japan. She hasn’t said why she wants to go to Japan, but I know it has to do with getting away from her father. I could tell her she doesn’t need to worry about him anymore, but if I don’t kill us, I wouldn’t mind going. It’s the farthest I could get away from Hillcrest in hopes that I can put it behind me.

When I reach the shack, I do my obligatory check on the bombs, pulling away the tarp to make sure they haven’t vanished, and then I gather what I need to do some testing. I go a mile farther into the woods, just in case, and half heartedly start on creating mini explosions.

They used to excite me because it meant I was getting closer to the end, but now I’m just going through the motions, sticking to the routine because I don’t know what else to do. I’ve been clutching this eventuality for so long that it’s not easy to let it go, even with the opportunity of spending a life with Sky.

I kneel in the soil and light the half inch fuse. The real bombs have electrical detonation, but I’m not going to waste the parts for testing. I step back and watch the flame lick up the mercury fulminate, but my mind is elsewhere.

I don’t speak Japanese, but I’m sure I could pick it up. If I stopped building now, I would have enough time before graduation to probably get a good grasp on it. I have money saved up too. We could leave before the ceremony. I hope sheisn’t planning on having the cap and gown moment. I don’t want to see three years of planning not come to fruition.

By time the sun sets, my eyes have lost focus and I’m barely scuffing the scorch marks away with my boots. Each one detonated just fine, but I’m kind of pissed about it. I’m exhausted. I don’t want to spend the rest of the night using up this recent batch. I just… I don’t think I want to do this anymore. Even if I forced myself to close my eyes to get my head straight, sleep won’t come. Rest is impossible when the noose around my neck is tightening.

I ruminate on all the ways I could get caught as I trek back to the shack. Sal from the post office is starting to get antsy. He threatened to call the headmistress because he doesn’t like the idea of housing hazardous materials. I’ve built up a good rapport with my mother, between making Valedictorian and being with Sky, but I don’t know if it’s enough to prevent her from digging deeper if he does contact her.

Then there is Rick, the security guard, inching ever closer to my territory and smoking cigarettes under the canopy of foliage when he should be patrolling, making sure that skull fuck doesn’t go anywhere near Lamb Hall. His presence is becoming more of a nuisance than an assistance. What if he thinks the dilapidated shack would be a good place to smoke?

But the most suffocating of worries is Sky. I thought maybe I could keep it from her until it was too late, but she’s smart, and I’m getting sloppy. I should have never taken her back to the shack that night. She could surprise me at any moment, and she’s starting to ask too many questions. If she finds out before I can do it… I don’t think I could bear the hatred in her eyes.

The urge to gather everything and bury it has me walking a little faster. If I just get rid of it all, maybe I could sleep. Maybe I could really have a life with Sky. Maybe I don’t have to spend an eternity in the purgatory pit of Hillcrest. Maybe solace andclarity are just on the other side of the gates. I could be free. I could breathe. I couldlive. I think I want to. I think I finally want to.

And I will.

I’m gunning it now, determined to spend the night with a shovel. It will be one last sleepless night and then respite,truerespite. My chest feels lighter with every step. Air is flooding parts of my lungs that haven’t tasted oxygen in months. My eyes fill with blurring tears, but they’re tears of relief. Something’s clicked. A switch has flipped. I’m unraveling before the forest, shedding anger and fear, sloughing off layers and years of heavy burden.

I’m panting when I reach the shack, ready to be reborn, when an anvil comes down on my chest.

The door is open.

Chapter Sixty-Two

Cade

My heart hammers under the weight of a boulder as I creep towards the shack. The sun is gone now, but the night’s chill is doing nothing for the sweat on the back of my neck, and the chirping of the crickets is overwhelmingly loud as dread desecrates everything that could have been.

I didn’t cover the bombs.

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