Page 87 of Soul of a Psycho

She tucks her hands into the pockets of her cardigan. “Was it not nice?” Her smile falls. “The whipped cream could have been sweeter, but I thought it was good. I even strained the gravy. I know you don’t like the bits in it.”

“What?” I grind my teeth. “I’m not talking about the food.”

The kitchen goes painfully silent as we hold each other’s stare. She knows damn well I’m not talking about the food. The food was fucking amazing. It’s always been amazing. She can cook and bake like no other. The rolls from the dining hall pale in comparison. That’s why it’s a shame that she’s going to throw it all up.

“Never mind,” I mutter, turning back to the sink.

I’m in no shape to fight a losing war with her. After tonight, I can go back to pretending she doesn’t exist. This is the last time I ever have to do this, anyway. This is the last Christmas. For both of us.

“Cade…” my mother’s voice cracks behind me. “I miss you.”

I grip the sink, steeling myself to not turn around. I can’t. I’m a feather away from crumbling. If I look at her, I’ll cave.

“You and Sky should stay,” she says. “We can watch a movie… like we used to.”

My eyes are suddenly hot and blurry. Like we used to? When dad was still alive and cookies and chips would litter the coffee table? When Rykes wasn’t in our life and she didn’t need to rush off to the bathroom? Like we used tofive yearsago?

“I’m trying,” she whispers. “You’re going to graduate soon and… and I love you so much. I know I’ve made mistakes. I thought… I thought you just needed time. But you were right. I see it now. You’re my son and if I’d known I was going to lose you…”

I choke back a sob. Jesus Christ, I can’t do this.

“I’m not going to see him anymore,” she says as I turn around.

I can’t stop myself from doing it. I don’t have the energy to erect any walls. And any ruins that I had crumble to ash when I see the tears brimming in her eyes.

“I’m so sorry.” Her bottom lip quivers. “I miss you, Cade.”

I don’t flinch when she reaches out. I don’t rear back when she cups my cheek. I don’t even fight as she pulls me against her. She’s so frail. So gaunt against my body that the floodgates break and tears burn down my face. But if she’s no longer seeing Rykes, she can get healthy again. She won’t need to throw up anymore. She can fill out and the color will return to her skin. She could be my mother again, couldn’t she? It would take time, but we could—

We don’t have time.

Graduation is just around the corner. It’s too late.

Chapter Fifty-Six

Sky

The sun will make everything better. It will shine and bring everything back to life. Blooms will peek at the golden rays and open their sleepy petals to let the light in. Warmth will seep beneath skin and thaw veins. It will heal. It willsave him.

That’s what I thought.

But it’s been weeks now, and the snow has melted into puddles, and Cade is stillnotokay. I thought, stupidly, that making us spend Christmas Eve with his mother could bridge the gap between them, that maybe their relationship was the cause of his decline. She genuinely seems like a nice person. And not fake nice like my father, but truly kind. If not a bit…broken? But if anything, that night seemed to have brokenhim. He’s become a shell, only smiling when our gazes meet, a weak upturn of his lips that softens his eyes and pulls the pin on the grenade that my heart has become. He looks at me like there’s a timer in my soul. Atick tick tickof a bomb that he fears will explode.

I’ve even begun to feel like I’m waiting for something. I’m jumpy, holding my breath, bracing for impact. The only time it ebbs is when Cade wraps me in his arms, when we’re so melded that even if a bomb did go off, we’d die together. He holds melike he’s trying to shield me and consume me at the same time. I give him everything to try and nourish him. I let him cling to me in hopes he will realize that I’m not going anywhere. And I cling back, that irrational feeling of waiting for a hammer to fall making me scared of losing him.

But where are we going?

“You should go look,” Ruby says.

We’re sitting on the fountain with Lana, Callie, and Bobby. There’s just enough sun left to make it worth it, and Britney has taken over the common room, anyway.

“I’m not sure I even remember where it is,” I tell her.

I’ve only been to Cade’s shack once, and I wasn’t exactly in the best state. And I probably shouldn’t have even brought it up. It just slipped out as I was contemplating where he was, and now everyone knows. I didn’t say he slept there, just that he sometimes hangs out there. Still, I feel bad about revealing his secret spot.

“How far out could it be?” Ruby flicks at the loose ice that floats in the fountain. “Just go get him. Your moping is making me almost as sick as those two.” She tosses a sliver of ice at Callie’s back.

“Hey!” Callie spins around, finally unlocking her lips from Bobby’s.

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