Page 71 of Soul of a Psycho

“It’s my fault,” I finally say.

He pulls his hand from me.

“No, it’s not.” His words are firm and too loud as he sets his jaw and snatches a bottle of shampoo.

“Turn around,” he commands.

With a huff, I do as I’m told, and feel him press against my ass. A tense silence encompasses us as he washes my hair, though I don’t know what about it being my fault set him off. I did start it when I tasted his knuckles.

Every so often, I feel him pluck at a strand, and then watch a crumpled leaf pool at the drain. It seems to be taking a long time to get my hair clean, and the room is starting to fill with a thick steam. After five more minutes, I notice no more leaves or twigs are ending up at the drain. Cade is just rinsing and twisting the length of my hair over and again. I’m about to say something, concerned that if I don’t, we might be here until the sun comes up, when he finally speaks.

“I was in a mental institution.”

The words choke up around us, nowhere to go with the steam, and I have nothing to say to replace them. I already knew this, but it feels wrong to admit and even more wrong to pretend like I don’t.

“For three months during sophomore year,” he continues at barely above a whisper. “After I… After I tried to kill myself.”

My heart aches with worry, hearing him say it out loud, even though it was two years ago and he’s currently safe behind me. But the admission, the undeniable certainty that dying was his intention, that he could havesucceeded, brings tears to my eyes anyway, and it all suddenly makes sense. What Bentley did with Henry andConner—the guy that Cade put in a coma—was sophomore year. The same year he was institutionalized. I realize Ruby left out a huge fucking piece of the puzzle. She has to know what happened. She’s been at Hillcrest since junior year, and Cade said there were pictures.

“Cade…” I don’t need him to suffer through explaining anymore to me. I get it now. If Ruby had told me the whole story, then I wouldn’t have pushed him in the woods. I wouldn’t have put him through rehashing that and threatening his sanity.

“No, Sky. I want you to understand that it’s not your fault.” He spins me around and grabs my arms. His dark eyes have turned a shade of black so bleak that I lose any rebuttal I was hoping to conjure.

“Iamcrazy. Certifiable.” He shakes me. “I barely keep myself from being committed, and I’m only strong enough to do that because I know I only have to make it to graduation. I live in a shack in the woods, for fuck’s sake. I can’t be around people without wanting to hurt them. I can’t even love you without tainting you with my sins.”

He starts to aggressively work some of the leftover blood from my chest, grabbing soap and squirting almost the whole bottle on me before I gain the ability to speak again.

“You didn’t taint me,” I snap and bat at his hands. “I wanted it.”

“No angel wants this.” He grieves at the red tinged floor, and tries to rinse me off. “It’s bad enough I’m going to take your soul, and now I’m soiling your wings.”

“I’m not an angel,” I say. “And you aren’t really the grim reaper.”

“But I am, Sky. I am. Come graduation I—”

“Stop it.” I cut him off before he starts on one of his spiraling tangents. “You aren’t. You’re just…” I struggle to find the words. “Just you. Just Cade.” I cup his cheek, trying to smooth away the tension that’s set into his features. “And I’m not an angel you have to worry about. I was already soiled anyway.”

Oh, no.I drop my head, realizing what I’ve said.

“What does that mean?” He grabs my chin, forcing me to look up.

His assessing gaze is steely, no longer manic, and of course,of course,that’s what would snap him out of it.

“Nothing. I just… I’m not—” I correct myself. “Iwasn’ta virgin… or anything like that.”

I frown at the truth. I wish Cade had been my first, but I wouldn’t even know Cade if Chase hadn’t forced himself on me.

“I didn’t think you were.” Cade narrows his eyes. “But why don’t you sound happy about that?”

I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself. I haven’t said a word about what happened since that night in the hospital when they swabbed me. It was the most humiliating thing, somehow even worse than what Chase did, but I did it because I knew—know—that it was the right thing to do. I recounted every single detail to the female detective, despite the way it repulsed me to say it out loud. I put myself through that so that no other girl would have to. But then my father showed up and shut down my allegations without even a trace of concern. In his words,he wouldn’t let me ruin a poor boy’s life and in turn the Lyons’ name.Whatever he said to the detective, I was discredited to thepoint where my case, that was barely even open, was closed. It was shut my mouth or it would be shut for me.

Unfortunately, the ‘best friend’ I confided in, the one whocame with meto the hospital, did not have anyone holding a hand over her mouth, and my story became hers to tell. A story that twisted me into a blatant liar that even my own friends believed. One about a dark movie theater and the spreading of legs—except they were not spread willingly.

“Because my first time was taken from me,” I confess.

“You were—” he grinds his jaw like he’s chewing on rocks. “Someone—” He can’t say the word.

The sudden anger pulsing off him is making more steam than the water and something cracks inside of me, abruptly and viciously. Tears fill my eyes. No one,not a single person, mirrored the rage I’ve had to bury, and yet with just a vague hint, Cade is an inferno. It’s how my father should have reacted. How my friends should have reacted. But instead, they ridiculed me, and I had to tuck away my truth.

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