Page 44 of Soul of a Psycho

For fuck’s sake.

This is why I typically refuse to come here. Every question is a test with no right answer. And a failure puts me back in Briarcreek. But I fucked up. I had already agreed to see Rutherford in order to get Sky’s absence excused—the headmistress thinking she was so clever with her trade—but it’s my outburst that really put me on this couch. I should have known better.

But I wasn’t leaving that room without Sky. Whoever chased her through the woods needed to see me with her, see that she’smine. If that prick Rykes had just let it go, Dorothy would have eventually gotten around to sending a note that I had in fact been transferred back into his class. Along with six other notes to six other teachers, solidifying that I had been placed in every one of Sky’s classes.

The headmistress wasn’t happy about being woken up before dawn, or too pleased with my request for a complete schedule change, but when I curled into her bed and rested my head on her chest like the sweet and docile boy I used to be, she gave in.

I also think it has something to do with me repeatedly bringing up requests related to Sky. The headmistress isn’t stupid. She couldn’t run Hillcrest if she was, and I know she’s aware that I don’t typically make requests, let alone for another student. I could see the gears turning in her mind, wondering what it meant.

“No,” I answer.

It’s the wrong answer, of course, and he proceeds to reiterate his first question.

“Then why did you do it?”

I suppress my groan.Yes,would have been the wrong answer too, prompting something like,So violence is acceptable?I can’t win.

“I feel awful about it.” I try to detour and get this thing over with.

“I would imagine you do, Cade.” He steeples his hands over his lap.

I resist the urge to roll my eyes. I don’t feel bad in the slightest. The only thing I regret is not beating the shit out of the narcissistic fuck. But my restraint kicked in at the last second. If I get hauled off to Briarcreek, I’ll miss graduation, and even if I get out in time, I won’t have enough time to finish all theattachments for the chairs. I only have twelve, seeing as how I can only order in small quantities to not trigger a red flag.

“You know, I spoke with your mother.” Rutherford capitalizes on my silence.

“I would imagine you have, Doctor.” It’s a cheap quip, but god, do I want to put this man in his place. I wonder if I could get him to attend graduation somehow.

It’s not like he actually wants to help me, he just wants to dissect me. Literally. He has a neurology PhD on the wall behind him, and I don’t doubt he uses it. Little does he know I’m going to blow my brains up before he ever gets the chance to open up my skull.

IfI can keep my mouth shut.

He purses his lips, the wrinkles around them crepe-like and displeased with my attitude. I try to play aloof, like I didn’t mean it spitefully, but he sees right through me.

I have to give it to the decrepit fuck, he’s sharp. If I wasn’t so worried about leaving Sky back at Hillcrest, I would be sweating in my hoodie, paranoid that he somehow knows about my plans. His probing eyes poke and prod for my darkest secret.

“She seems to think you might benefit from another in house treatment,” he says.

My breath stops, my vision blackening around the edges, and I have to grip the knife in my pocket for dear life. She didnotfucking tell him that. I’m going to fuckingkillher. My heart starts hammering, and my skin goes slick.

“But I’m—” I lean forward, ready to run if I have to. “I’m eighteen. She can’t commit me.”

She can’t, right? That’s the rules. I can only be committed if I’m a threat to myself or others. I’m my own legal guardian now. I know this.I know this. But I can’t quell the panic ripping into my chest, the images of sterile white rooms, lights so brightthat the back of my eyes ache, assaulting me from the banished corners of my mind.

There’s nothing worse than not being able to turn out the light. I can still feel the red sear beyond my eyelids. It was barely a reprieve from the blinding fluorescents that never even flickered. Desperation claws at me to cover my face, as if I’m back in that room all over again, unable to move or stretch my legs. It was three months, but I’m convinced Briarcreek isn’t on this plane. It dwells where time doesn’t exist, and every day in that place was one eternity here.

“You don’t think it would be beneficial?” Rutherford cocks his head, a frown on his face.

But I see the gleam in his eyes. He knows damn well I would rather rip out my teeth with a pair of pliers before I ever set foot back in that institution of torture. That place does not have benefits, only consequences. How my mom doesn’t see that makes me edge the tip of my blade from its sheath in my pocket. I pierce my thumb on its point, letting the pain ground me.

I’m not numb, not drugged. I can feel my receptors respond, and I remind myself I won’t be alive long enough to succumb to a life of institutions. Because I know if I’m let to live a life, I will only degrade further. My mind is a bad place that feeds on my sanity. It’s inevitable that one day there will be none left.

“I think I want to graduate with my class.” I choose my words carefully. I don’t need any alarm bells sounding. “And a stay at Briarcreek would prevent that.”

“Hm.” The disappointment in his tone cools my fear.

I sink back into the couch and eye the clock. I just have to survive twenty more minutes. Twenty minutes of biting my tongue and pretending like I’m not crazy enough to be locked up. I can do that.

“I noticed some stress at the mention of your mother.” Rutherford scribbles something on his notepad. “How about we talk about that?”

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